nothing.

I feel nothing.  I’m not even drunk.  Yet.  I’m working on remedying that fact.

I’m watching ‘But I’m a Cheerleader” and I love the movie but it makes me sad.  I miss my girlfriend.  Ex-girlfriend.  Whatever.  She’s dead now, what difference does it make?

I am so lonely.  I’ve been lonely since I moved here, but at least before she died I knew I could always call her.  Talk to her.  Have phone sex with her. Heh.  I thought phone sex would be so awkward, but it wasn’t at all.  It was fucking awesome.

5 shots.

I can’t seem to actually care about anything.  Like I said, I feel nothing.  I failed my calculus test yesterday, and I knew I’d fail, but even so normally I’d be upset.  I don’t care.  I’m not even sure I can even get myself to write the few papers I have left or study for finals.

I’m not sure what I should do.  Can do?  I can’t talk to anyone.  Already got the cops sent to my house once.  I just don’t see the point anymore.  I don’t have interests.  No desires.  Unless desire for drugs (and maybe sex?) counts.

I hate this.  I want my baby back.  I feel like I might have been able to “be okay” before she died.  But now…  I feel like a five-year-old throwing a temper tantrum but no matter how hard I cry, I will never get what I want.