I’m a coward.
I fear living in constant fear. I fear falling in love and never getting over it. I fear disease and never having quality of life. I fear losing my mind and never being able to articulate again. I fear living because I fear dying.
I can’t say I feel bad for those who are sure that they want to go. I admire anyone who has the courage enough to make a concrete decision. I praise those who reach the end or decide to drop out of the race, because at least they can say, for sure, that it’s what they wanted. It’s our choice to leave or not, and while sure, life is a gift, who’s to say it’s just easier not living altogether? To each their own. No one can speak for anyone else, I know that personally. I’ve got too many issues to count, probably too much for anyone to understand, and then again maybe I’m just like everyone else?
So what to do when you’re a coward? What to do when neither the past, present, or future console you and you’re looking for something else, for something more? You’re too afraid to die, but you can’t keep living the same way? Under the constant pressure, under the same routine, in the same place? What can you do when your desperation is squeezing the living shit out of you? Like a fish out of the water? When anxiety takes control of you, and you forget who you are, and where you are, and all you can feel is fear? You fear popping like a balloon. Fear of living like this forever, or fear of dying tomorrow?
Does anyone else feel it too? Overwhelmed by fear?
I’m sick and tired of being scared. 17 years of chronic bullshit and I’m still a fucking baby, despite all the excuses I may give about it.
Fuck it.
43 comments
I still believe that we’re living in a very mysterious and interesting universe (or perhaps even multiverse!), there’s so many ‘hidden truths’ that the government, the Elites, and all those ‘powerful people above’ hide them and don’t want us to know.
And thus, they’re keeping us here living our mundane, sick, repeated daily-life routines, to be enslaved and controlled by the tool called MONEY.
Sadly, we’re still trapped in our physical “earthly” body/existence..
I sometimes wish I could experience all those “other-wordly” interesting things like: OBEs, NDEs, astral travel/projection, spiritual experiences, UFO encounters, lucid dreaming, etc..
But unfortunately I still can’t..
But yeah, it always sucks when you KNOW more about this life and “reality”, yet u’re still trapped within it..daily! It’s really torturing, isn’t it? Like you similarly, I also often asked “there’s something MORE to this life than all of these meaningless, petty, boring things!”
Well…I will keep seeking the Truths, the ‘hidden’ truths,
and hopefully, can and will find a ‘way out’ of all this retarded ignorant society and “real life”.
I feel the same way. I’m afraid of living and but I’m also afraid of dying.
I’m afraid of spiders. I’m afraid of the dark. I’m afraid of driving. I’m afraid of getting too close to people because I don’t want to be hurt by them. I’m afraid of getting diseases. I fear a lot of things.
Hi GoodGirl, hope you’re a little better this evening. Talking of afraid, there’s a beautiful little song by Irish band ‘A House’ titled, I Am Afraid; I think you’d find resonance there; it’s quite a comforting song too.
@Jess
Cowardice is the hardest thing of all to overcome. I am also a coward, have known it since I was a child. The funk never goes away, and it gets worse as you get older.
Martha Wainwright – Niger River.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Cn8chQBgO0
This song just explains everything. Everything about wanting so much out of life and love and still having nothing. Or at least the fear of losing it.
@causeway – currently listening to the song now. it’s almost a parody of my life. it’s unfortunate to say i’m actually afraid of so much bullshit. i guess that when you live with yourself you never pay attention to the severity of your phobias, until maybe a song points it out.
Hi causeway, I am doing better today. How’re you doing? I listened to that song, and oh my it’s as if I could have written it. I like it, it’s catchy.
@Jess & causeway, I couldn’t help laughing while listening to the song. It’s so true, it’s funny and scary at the same time.
@goodgirl. I’m sort of okay. I went for a long ten mile walk this morning. It was very cold and bracing, but it cheered me slightly. I don’t know why. It’s at times like this I miss my dog, poor little mite died a few years back. But getting out and about can help sometimes, alone is better, walk, think, breathe.
@jess. The song is a useful inventory of fear. But when I first heard it, many years ago, I was depressed to find I wasn’t ‘unique’ or ‘special’ as I had wished at that very naive age.
@niki – I’ve experienced OBE’s since moving into where I currently live 10 years ago, maybe a little after, like 3 years after. They’re not the most pleasant thing. I’m convinced that where I live has a lot of negative psychic energy, it’s an old house, and so I’m sure someone died here, or maybe even a few, naturally. OBE’s in a negative place is enough to haunt you for weeks. Especially when you feel like you’re awake, yet your neck is strained and you can’t really move, and your entire body is paralyzed and you’re drifting in and out of consciousness and you’re overcome by fear. It’s pretty… horrible. I was once attracted to it, thought that it held significance (and hence made me feel “significant”), but I’ve come to the point where I rather not know.
Astrology is probably the closest thing to understanding the cosmos (I’m talking about real astrology not the horoscope bullcrap). I don’t know if you’ve ever done your natal chart but it really teaches you about yourself. Again, to each his own. Some people don’t believe in it. Astrology and Numerology have played a huge part in my life and maybe it’s why it applies to me, or at least I seek truth in it. My life path (sum of your birth date) and destiny (sum of your name) number is 9 yet my soul urge number (sum of vowels in your name) is 4. I’m in constant conflict with myself. I really do just want a simple life.
You should read up on Alchemy and Occultism as well. That will naturally lead you to a variety of other topics (including occult societies like the freemasons and skulls and bones and even UFO and Ancient Aliens theories). Interesting stuff as long as you read it subjectively and don’t get too in it lol. If you have Netflix you can also watch Ancient Aliens on instant queue.
@causeway, I’ve heard that walking or working out can release endorphins that make you happy. I went for a walk today too. But only about a mile, not ten. I don’t think I could do ten, hah. Sorry about your dog. I don’t know if you’re a cat person, but I lost my cat October 30th (he got hit by a car) and it broke my heart. Losing a pet is terrible. They love you unconditionally.
@causeway – I guess it’s reassuring (to not misuse the word peaceful) to know that maybe it isn’t so special, that maybe our fears are just as much as an inventory as what’s stated in the song, and maybe it happens to the best of us. What can be done can be undone right? If only the mind was as simple as the law of gravity, even though in many ways it is.
I wish I wasn’t such a subconscious sadist/masochist. I would hate to think that I feed off of the fears as an excuse to, well, just anything. But it couldn’t be the case if it causes me so much pain. It’s horrible.
@TheGoodGirl – It’s a parody I tell you! It’s like the song was written to ridicule us anxiety phobic maniacs xD. They should write one exclusive to hypochondriacs.
But to an extent I find the song comforting in some way. It might be the melody . Maybe it’s the feeling of inclusion, who knows?
@TheGoodGirl – sorry for the loss of your cat btw. I lost my chihuahua pup two years ago (only had her for a week), she died of a seizure. I own two dogs now (a pomeranian and yorkese) and i wouldn’t know what to do of the wreck i would become if they died (had the yorkese for six years and the pomeranian for a little over one).
@Jess, I know right! I’m a bit of a hypochondriac, not full on, thankfully. I do give myself what I refer to as, the mental chills. It’s so sad, but it’s like I can’t help it.
I think it’s the melody, it sort of hugs you. And at the same time it laughs at you on the inside. 😛
Thanks. I’m sorry about your pup too. And so young. He didn’t even get a chance. 🙁
I had my cat for almost 7 years. He was always an outside cat, and I was shocked to hear him actually being run over. The jerk didn’t even stop his car. I guess the statistic is true for outside cats 6-7 yrs.
@TheGoodGirl – Hit and runs are, sad to say, really common where I live (for animals). I see cats and dogs dead all the time because truth be told people just don’t give a fuck. That kills me, because pets are so defenseless, so harmless, they rarely even make it on their own even when they’re born as strays (especially dogs). it’s like someone punches the living shit out of you, for no reason, keeps going, and leaves you lying there, with a huge concussion. It’s a touchy subject, I can’t even sit through the pet commercial with the Sarah McLachlan song on the background, yet I could actually sit through the Help A Child one even though it gives me goosebumps (it’s horrible I know… I just can’t see animals suffer).
I’m convinced Nevada (the pup) was born with some sort of defect. She was never too hyper, which I know now is rare in a puppy. I feel horrible that I didn’t take her to the vet sooner. But it just sort of happened randomly and completely unexpectedly and took us all by surprise. What hurt me was that I practically watched her die. I could barely look at my other dog for a month after it happened, I don’t even know why.
Sorry to hear about the loss of your pets, guys, I guess that’s something else we all share. goodgirl, that’s pretty awful that the driver just carried on. That’s the kind of thing that has me indulge my revenge fantasy side.
I felt really guilty when my dog died, that I’d been cowardly and sent her on ahead of me alone. When I think of dying now I console myself with the notion that I’ll simply be catching up with her.
About my fears:
I’m scared of my closet door being open at night, I can;t sleep after I read abotu urban legends (I swear I saw the mirror glaring at me!), I’m terrified of stepping on coral, I;m scared of fish, I’m scared of stepping on anything but sand in an ocean, I’m scared of bumping into people, I’m scared of other people and trusting them, I’m scared of seeing a B for a grade, I’m scared of my english teacher (she is really mean), I’m scared of old men with hair growing out of their airs (TWEEZERS BADLY NEEDED, no offense to anyone with hair in their ears). I cursed for the first time in 2 years today, and i dont want to do it again. Give me a few more minutes to think of anything else
@Jess, People don’t give a fuck. It makes me sick. I was so pissed at whoever did it, and I wished that I had seen the car, so that I could go slash their tires or break their windshield. Which is a terrible thing to do, and I wouldn’t normally go on violent car bashing rampages, but they killed my cat and I wanted revenge. Like what causeway said. I can’t sit through either commercial. And the Sarah McLachlan song, while amazing, makes me want to cry. So I change the channel or mute the tv.
It seems we’re all left feeling guilty after a pet dies. But you only had her for a week and there’s no way you could have known.
@causeway, I told Jess about my revenge fantasy, so I can relate to that feeling. How did your dog die was it natural or something else?
@feelingblue, I couldn’t help but laugh at the old men with hair in their ears thing. Your eyesight tends to go when you get older, maybe that’s why they don’t tweeze – they can’t see it. While in the ocean one time I stepped on something mushy it creeped me out I thought it was dead fish. It was only mud though, from marsh being so close by. Still, I got out of there fast.
@goodgirl. I guess it was my dog’s time to go. She was 17 and I’d had her since I was a teenager. She was a little mongrel which the nuns in the convent had given to us as a stray. She developed spinal arthritis and could barely move. I used to carry her home from her walks as she couldn’t go any further. But she was bright and intelligent and alert right to the end. What made it worse was that on the day I had the vet appointment she seemed better than she had for months. Or maybe I was just hoping she seemed better because I didn’t want to take her. But take her I did and he put her down. 🙁
@causeway, Aww, poor thing. Sounds like she had a long life though. Still, that’s sad. I’ve had a couple pets in my life that had to be put down. Thankfully I was never present because I couldn’t handle watching them pass on.
Thanks for listening, goodgirl. I haven’t spoken to anyone about any of these things – they’ve just been bottled up inside me. I miss having a pet – if I could find a way of saving my life, I’d like to get another, perhaps another stray that needs a home. We outsiders should stick together – animals and humans.
No problem. I should say thanks to you to. And everyone else I’ve talked to on here. Before I got on this site I kept it all bottled up too. All of my thoughts I kept to myself and it can drive you insane.
Maybe you should get another pet. Could loving a pet give you a reason to live? Something to look forward to. Something to care for.
I agree outsiders should stick together.
@TheGoodGirl – It just sucks how right now whoever ran over your pet is probably having a bear right now, not knowing or caring about what he did, or who he may have hurt in the process. It’s like people don’t take the time to process these things, they don’t care as long as the consequence isn’t evident, and if it doesn’t hit home, then why bother? It sucks humanity has gotten to this point, and I would hate to say all people, but a good chunk of them, most of them, are indolent when it comes to their neighbor, so to speak. In fact, most people don’t even know who it is they live next to, let alone have invited themselves over after 10 years of living in the same complex.
I know it wasn’t my fault Nevada died, but I blamed myself and I even took it upon Sally (the yorkese). I didn’t want to see another dog after the incident had happened, I guess because it was too raw, too real. It’s not like I found out about it, I literally watched her stumble and jitter to death. I don’t even like talking about it. -_-
@feelingblue – I’m also terrified about sleeping with the closet door open (or my bathroom door, basically anything with an opening). I guess that’s my inner child waiting for the boogeyman to come lashing out or something xD.
@causeway – I agree with GoodGirl. Maybe you should try out another pet, not for the sake of a replacement, but for the mutual companionship. There’s so many animals out there without a home or owner, lonely and uncared for, that are just waiting on the opportunity for someone to come by and pick them up. It’s never too late to love again.
As for the outsiders sticking together, I also agree. And that reminded me of the song The Outsiders by R.E.M. lol, pretty random.
I know, that bastard. Since it happened the day before Halloween, I’ve even thought that maybe the shithead did it on purpose. My cat was black, afterall. Not to mention I’ve witnessed someone hit a cat around the area where I live and then they re-ran it over for kicks. Sickos. I guess I’ll never know. But if I found out, revenge would be so sweet. I almost want to give up on the human race, but there are some kind souls out there. As I’ve seen on here. I actually don’t really know my neighbors either. The one I’ve met when she first moved in, she was very nice. The people on the other side of me, I haven’t met but I wave when I walk or drive by.
Ugh, that sounds horrible. I would feel the same way if I was in your position. Sally is a cute name, btw. I had another cat that died last year of cancer and kitty HIV (who knew). We took him to the vet (several vets actually) a few times. They could never diagnose him properly. Only when we found a good vet, they discovered him to have multiple tumors in his stomach and lungs. And the HIV thing. He was pretty ill at that point, wouldn’t eat, could barely stand. So he was put to sleep. We all blamed ourselves, especially since he sat in the vets office all alone for two days before my dad went to watch him be put down.
That’s disgusting– re-runing a cat over? Are you serious? That’s some serious sociopathic shit right there -___- I would have chased whoever that was even if only running. And the worst part is that the sickos who actually do get a kick out of crap like that are the least likely people. I unfortunately have an uncle who has no regard for animal life whatsoever. He’s the type of guy who gets a kick chilling by ranches where they kill pigs and goats for “fresh consumption”. I personally don’t eat pork at all, nor goat, but either way, it’s fucking disgusting, especially because a minute ago they were alive, in their limited sow stalls, that look more like inhabitable prison cells, and then executed through the command of a pointed finger. Sick. I’m still trying to quit eating all types of meat altogether, but I still eat seafood and rarely chicken.
I barely know my neighbors either. Since I moved to this house a good decade ago I don’t really know my neighbors except for the guy who lives in front of us, who owned or maybe still does own some pigeons, and the people next to us, a crazy scamming bus lady who home schooled her son to help her out with various “family business type projects” (which are all scams sadly to say) and rents out the rest of the house to random strangers. I think the newest people she’s renting to have been living there for about 6 months. Before I moved here, where I used to live, our neighbors used to be like family. i was still very young, but I remember going over different homes to eat and play with the kids or drink chocolate milk with the lady who was a dog-sitter. Those were the times (:
I’m actually surprised to hear about the kitty HIV. Shocked really. i didn’t know it was even possible for a cat to transmit HIV. And it must’ve been so debilitating for the poor kitty to have been carrying around all those tumors -__-. Just hearing about it makes it a little unbearable to really put myself in your shoes. You were strong to still have gotten over that. I don’t blame you for feeling like it was your fault, you’re just a good person, good people tend to take the blame even for destiny’s course. Who knew the poor cat was suffering from so many things at once? It’s one of those things that don’t really have an explanation. As long as you loved him while he was alive is all that matters. That way there’s no regrets.
Yes, I’m serious. And it is disgusting. Complete psychopath. I don’t know why, but people really like to run over cats around where I live. I live way out in the boon-friggin-docks and I don’t know if it breeds animal killers or what. But it’s sick. That’s gross that your uncle watches. I wish I could become a vegetarian, but I don’t like most vegetables and I’m not much of a seafood eater and I could never chow down on tofu. So I’m stuck eating meat even though I hate thinking about how it got to my plate.
Lol @ the scamming bus lady. I wish I had good neighbor memories. Before the nice lady moved next door we had a total fucking asshole for a neighbor. He – prepare yourself for this – abused puppy after puppy. He had so many of them over the years we lost count. Once they became adult dogs he would let them starve out in his yard. My mom is an animal lover and she would feed them and call the ASPCA. A lot of times the ASPCA wouldn’t do anything. Or “couldn’t find evidence of animal cruelty”. What a crock of shit. We took him to court once too. He was a total scumbag. Eventually he moved. And he left behind roaches. That made their way to our house. We never got truly infested and thanks to a lot of bug poison we eradicated them.
You’re lucky to have good neighbor memories, even if it was long ago. Sorry about the crappy ones now though. Assuming they’re crappy.
We had no clue either. Until that diagnoses. Up until a few weeks before he died, he seemed fine. Like a normal cat. The vet said cats can be born with HIV or they can get it from another cat through saliva or something else – can’t remember now.
Yeah, he was always kind of hungry, and after he died I thought it must have made him feel better to eat, maybe it took the pain out of the tumors. If there was pain, I don’t even know. He seemed alright. It was hard to accept. He got plenty of love in his life, at least I can take comfort in that.
@TheGoodGirl – Ah the Boondocks. Well I guess it’s the same in an Urban town. I guess animal killers are a Universal breed. It’s the cousin of child abusers, rapists, human traffickers, liars, cheaters, murderers, and sadists after all. It’s just a stem from the seed that is hate, something that haunts us all at least one point in our life, but to be so consumed with it that it becomes so natural, so second nature, it’s pretty scary. Some people just have no regard for life, period point blank, and while sure, it frustrates the living shit out of me and many others, what could we do really? Stay away from them is one thing, even preach against it, but we could never change the world. no one can change unless they’re willing to.
Yeah my neighbors are a little out there lol. And you assumed right, they’re pretty crappy. It just kinda sucks being surrounded by people who are literally too enraptured in their own world to give a fuck about anyone surrounding them. I mean we’re all self-centered to some point, but when it gets to the point where you don’t even say Hi, let alone even know who it is you’re living next to (except of course the shit that spreads around), you begin to question if people even like people anymore and if relations even matter. Like people who use other people. It seems that in this day and age most people who even frequent around other people are using them for one thing or another, be it money, status, possibility, jobs, whatever it may be, it’s hardly genuine. I don’t wanna sound like a hypocrite, because I know that I’ve done it too, but even I got sick of it. Superficiality loses its glam after you realize that it failed to give life the meaning that everyone in this world is searching for.
As for organizations like the ASPCA, it is bs -_-. I guess for my sake I’d like to think that animal cruelty cases are taken as serious as it’s advocated, but really, it happens so often in some places that it becomes part of the scenery! And then the charges made against most people who are caught red handed are practically like misdemeanors, like taking a fucking red light. What fine can excuse or repair the damage and neglect and sometimes even death brought upon to an animal? You’d think people would know better, being that we’re “civilized” and all, but there’s still some people born with a funk gene that has them reliving the stone age. It’s encouraging that you actually took the asshole to court though, many people would’ve just desisted or gave up after a while. It’s at least comforting, i guess to an animal lover, that people still genuinely care (: we can’t give up on the ENTIRE human race lol
I read up briefly on kitty HIV (FIV- feline immunodeficiency virus, who knew?), and the curious thing is that it’s mainly transmitted through bites not actually mating! And of course a litter could be infected through an infected mother. It’s so sad how it progresses though. Especially the added burden of the tumors, god, well I guess the FIV makes it easier for the tumors to even form in the first place since it slows down the function of the immune system all together. But at least you know, wherever souls go, he’s definitely not suffering. And if souls do have a memory, then he’d only have fond ones of you guys.
Sorry couldn’t answer earlier, got caught up in some things (more than I’d like) that I’ve been postponing for a while and now have to catch up on. Yeah the stress, c’est la vie~ -__-
It’s okay that you couldn’t answer right away. Did you end up getting done what you needed to?
Yep. You’d think that a quiet, little out-of-the-way neighborhood wouldn’t have things like that happen in it. That’s the reason my parents moved out of a bigger, I wouldn’t say city necessarily, town maybe, okay more-populous-urban-life-decay-town (couldn’t resist the urge to reference Third Eye Blind) to move to a rural area. Too bad the realtor didn’t inform them that the townsfolk were all a buncha trash burning hicks. Ah, the boondocks, I love you so. I wonder why so many people are born with the “funk” gene. Why are so many people born without the ability to feel empathy for humans or animals? It’s amazing. Amazingly sad.
I just can’t believe the scamming bus lady has the nerve to bring her son into her scams. Great mom, she is. Jesus, what has the world come to? At first I was like yeah, yeah, people are users! But, like you, I have used people too. For rather small things. I can’t say I’m exempt from that though. Funny thing is, I’ve only used the people who have used me. They used me worse though, if that makes sense. People are just jerks though. For the sake of being a jerk sometimes. Because they thrive on causing people to suffer. Not ALL people, but a hell of a lot.
Yeah, I have to agree. They do euthanize millions of animals each year. Which I can understand, there’s so many of them. But still. I used to think it was just my local animal shelter that sucks, but I’m sure it’s everywhere. They seem to not give a fuck unless it’s so severe like Animal hoarders. So that way a news media outlet can come cover the story and make it seem like the rescuers are big heroes. So messed up. That’s another thing, the people who abuse animals say, “It’s just a stupid animal”. They think because we’re “civilized” that animals don’t feel anything. How many times did animal control or whoever see what my neighbor was doing to his dogs? And you’d think there’d be some harsher punishment. He should NEVER have been allowed to get another pet. And if he did and were caught, he would be sentenced to jail. But, nooo. That kind of thing doesn’t exist. At least it didn’t for him.
Thanks, we tried our best. My mom even wrote the friggin govenor. She did nothing. She referred us to someone else. Who referred us to someone else. And so on. No one did anything. The animals suffered because no one did anything. They’re just as bad as my neighbor, in my opinion.
After the vet put my cat to sleep they gave us a paper describing what FIV is. I lost the paper, it’s probably somewhere in my house, but I can’t find it. It’s on the internet, as you’ve discovered. I had no idea either. It’s so odd. Feline HIV. I’m kind of glad I know now, for future reference. Not glad my cat had to die from it though. I’ve wondered what he could be thinking, if souls do live on, I hope he knew I loved him. I’m sure he did.
Partially. I’m mainly working on getting references for the spa job I want to apply to, I’ve already re-re-re-edited my resume to perfection (or closest thing to it), which I’ve been thinking of doing since October (when I graduated beauty school, yeah took a long break) but even that’s been difficult being that two of the people I want as references are not available. I’ve been texting and sending emails out like crazy and I think by now they’re probably ignoring me (after postponing me). I really want this job, especially because it’s a spa atmosphere, it would beat a Macy’s beauty consultant counter job any day (besides I’m still not 18, I’ve applied to Macy’s before and they don’t accept anyone underaged, same with Nordstrom, Sephora and JCP. Yeah sad, I’m kind of used to the rejection). People think I’m crazy that I’m applying at a resort-type spa without experience, but I just don’t wanna settle for less. I’ve got the training and I know what to do, if anything, experience should be created, and less experienced employees are easier to mold anyhow.
Anywho, I’ve been living in this urban town all my life (and God do i DESPISE it). Hopefully if I get this job it could take me places, most hotels are chains (this one for sure) and they usually have one in different locations around the world, transfers and packets would surely be available to any employee who’s interested and if there’s shortage on the other end. I’ve only moved once and that was from house to house in the same town but on different ends. I’m really just hungry to see something new and fresh. Lol at the hicks living in your area. Well, over here it’s more of the Spanish type Santeria crazy shit going on. Either way, they’re two extremes, two very ignorant extremes. And don’t get me wrong, I don’t got a problem with the “other side”, but I don’t think that Chicken’s blood is gonna change the course of destiny. The funk gene doesn’t discriminate between race or beliefs or sex. It is exactly what it is, a total funk.
The bus lady neighbor’s son is actually pretty brainwashed. He’s a super smart kid (he’s a bit older than me) and he’s pretty ambitious. I guess his mom uses that to her advantage, being the crappy low-life she is (honestly, she’s always renting out her home. Even with her son there. That’s just irresponsible, and it’s not just to anyone, there’s been pretty shady characters living in her house too, especially dealers, the cops are always caught up there). He almost acts like an old man, which is sad. We used to talk through aim (he’d rarely visit, just to ask my grandpa for some tools), and he was pretty rigid but overall he was just a kid and seemed pretty depressed to me. His mom home schooled him since 9th grade (claiming that our high school was a piece of shit and infected with HIV) and while sure, it’s not the best school ever, I mean I dropped out in 10th grade, but it beats having to work for your crazy, manipulative mom. The last scam that I know they were involved in they tried involving us in too. It was basically a ponzi scheme, supposedly you put in cash, then tried to get other people to put in cash, to make double of what you put, yadayada. Turns out it went wrong and they didn’t get enough people to pay off all the people they had scammed. They’re pretty low-key now but surely cooking up something, she’s just go nothing better to do and he’s a puppet.
I can completely relate when you said that the people you’ve used have used you worse. Say no more, it makes complete sense to me. It’s almost like I got the shorter end of the stick, an uneven give and take. It’s been like that most of my life though, people usually count on me for everything, and I let myself fall into that habit. It’s almost like I practically cry out “Hey! Use me!” and who wouldn’t take advantage of that? I guess I thought I was just being a good friend. But a door mat’s not even considered a companion.
Well the government usually never gets involved. And fuck the petitions, they’ve got a million and one lounging around in probably some unoccupied room where no one will bother to read them. Laws are great and all but they’re so rarely enforced in some cases. There’s always some sort of bias as to what should matter and what should be immediately dealt with. Animals are never on the priority list. It’s kind of like health care. You either got it or you don’t, and if you don’t, you won’t be immediately dealt with. You’re just not considered important enough. As for the guy never owning another pet, It’s kind of like child rapists, they shouldn’t be allowed to see the light of day and yet most of them get the pardon and almost privilege to not inhabit so and so miles from a park or school. It makes you wonder what are laws, and why people care so much, and what even really works. I’m not even looking forward to voting for the first time next year, I don’t think it would really matter. They’d both probably end up doing the same thing since this country owe’s more debt than the money it can manufacture from it’s ass and then getting blamed for it. One man can’t be blamed for the years worth of financial damage and wrong decision making from both the people and it’s political leaders. It is what it is -__-
Ahh I’m making this so long -__- I’m probably boring you to death. Crap i could write.
Don’t feel bad at all. That’s more than I can say I’ve done since graduating High school. I don’t even have a resume. I’ve just been filling out applications and have not been hired yet. I kind of admire your ambition. I don’t want to settle for a crappy job either, but I’m afraid I’ll have to just to make some cash. I’ve even reconsidered going to college just so I can have something to do with my life. Even though I don’t know what that may be. I hope you can get your references, sounds like it would be a good place to work.
Yeah, I get that, wanting to go places. I don’t want to be stuck in this town forever.
Lol, Santeria, another song reference? Jerkiness isn’t exclusive to one race or gender. It’s everywhere and it’s here to stay!
Oh my god, she tried a Ponzi scheme?! Jeez. Is there anything illegal this woman hasn’t done? And trying to involve you and your family? Lowest of the low. Her poor kid. Subjecting him to all of that. Some people don’t deserve to have kids. Hopefully he turns out okay and doesn’t do the same thing his mom has. There’s a good chance though he’ll end up in a house some day doing the same thing.
I can’t believe how much we have in common. I was a bit of a doormat myself. Who am I kidding? A huge effing doormat. And people can and will most certainly take advantage of your good nature. The funniest thing though, is that I always try to help people. I’m always there for them. The best friend I used to have told me I was judgemental. That basically my being there and offering up good words of advice was being judgemental. If anyone was judging me, it was her. She constantly called me weird or strange. Always pointing out my flaws. Ditching me. Then expecting me to be at her every beck and call. And I took it for years. Because I had virtually no one else. I didn’t even realize how she was using me to make herself feel good. I do now. And if I could go back in time I would have ended our friendship earlier.
I couldn’t have said that last paragraph better myself. I didn’t get to vote in ’08 because I was only 17. Now, that I will be 21 before next election I don’t even think I want to vote. They all suck. They aren’t really for the people. I like Obama but I don’t at the same time. I want to give him credit but he disappointed me. Not that I think there was anything he could have really done in 4 years to fix the shit Bush did. Only now we’re in debt 14 trillion and counting and unemployment is sky high. That will really affect him at the polls next yr. And the Republican hopefuls? Don’t even get me started. I wonder is that the BEST they could come up with? We’re in the shitter and I’m pretty sure there’s next to no hope for the next 4-8 years. As for child rapists, I firmly believe they should be shot to death. Maybe tortured first. By other prisoners who are more than willing, so regular people won’t have it on their conscience and taxpayers won’t have to pay for them. Win-win.
That’s okay. I’m not bored. I could write a lot too, but I was trying to keep it short. Lol
I can’t speak for the others, Ms. Jess…but you don’t bore me.
You shouldn’t worry about that…
After all, if you bored us, we wouldn’t answer back, and clearly, you have at least TheGoodGirl very captive and caring… 🙂
There’s too many causes for anxiety already–don’t add another and worry so much about what others think, or if you’re talking too much–
Speak the speech, I pray thee! (I need to start quoting other works I like, that’s like the 5th Hamlet reference today…but damn, do I love that play, and that character.
Oh:
And Ms. Jess:
“Hamlet” is Shakespeare’s longest play.
It takes 4 or more hours to perform, uncut.
Hamlet has more lines than any other character in Shakespeare by a LOT.
Hamlet ahs so many lines he almost has more than an entire Shakespeare PLAY, “The Comedy of Errors”
I’m NEVER bored when Hamlet, King of Long Monologues, speaks.
So don’t worry about length–just say whatever and how much ever you want to.
I kind of looked forward to graduating you know? The whole prom shit, the excitement, I don’t know, maybe just the experience. Well shit happens. I didn’t even think I’d go to beauty school. I didn’t even realize I would be interested in it. I’m interest in astrology and anthropology and contemporary dance and theater and just nerdy weird shit yet I ended up in a freaking cosmetology school studying esthetics and massage therapy. I even considered dropping out from the school in the first 15 weeks because I couldn’t handle the pressure (11 hours a day 3 times a week, test every tuesday) the course went rather fast, and I learned a lot (it’s an actual operating spa so we got to do some interning the second half of the course, only paid in tips), but still, if you would’ve asked me three years ago, I would’ve said that right now I’d be a senior.
It’s okay if you still don’t know what to do. I still don’t know what to do, and I have a degree. I want to go back to school, but I have to pay off this loan, at least starting in 4 months so that’s one of the reasons I’m so insisting about getting a good job. Either way, if I do go to college, I’ll have to still work full time. Again, no play. Maybe it’s why i took off these two months to myself. Yet, sometimes I wish I didn’t, I would’ve had some cash by now. It’s kind of sad to say I almost wear my Toms everyday or if not my boots. most of my sandals my dogs have shred to pieces and I haven’t been able (financially) to go shopping in months. Hopefully I could just land a good job, and then relocate somewhere else, maybe Spain, or Montreal in Quebec. I’d have to better my French but who cares. Anything but here!
And nope, I’m talking about actual Santeria Brujeria witchcraft cocktail shit lol. The real Cuban Santeria. Not the baser stuff (I do love Sublime though <3). Either way, the people here are ignorant, rude, self-serving and a little insane. Look at the crazy bus lady. That's just one neighbor I described. I barely know the rest personally but like I said, things do get around, mostly negative things. People barely open their mouth but to discredit someone anyway. The other people who live next to us supposedly the lady was rumored to have tried to commit suicide with her daughter because her husband had a lover in Cuba and was gonna leave her to go live over there (he had money, he probably could've done it too comfortably). Just eery shit like that, just makes you wonder who is it that I'm really co-existing with? And in such close parameters.
Your best friend sounds pretty confused. Again how is being there for someone judgmental? I thought it'd be helpful, to say the least. People could be so fucking stupid. They'd say the craziest shit just to victimize themselves. I've been used by friends as well, sometimes just to get picked up at my place because they had somewhere else to be. My ex boyfriend would ditch me all the time to be with his friends, and his friends hated me, they thought I was weird and "stuck up". It sucks to be judged by those closest to you, it really hits home. I have that problem at home all the time, they (grandparents) try to mold me into their perfect child since I guess their kids couldn't live up to their expectations. They're also extremely religious and judgmental, it was hard for me to experiment with anything, and i mean anything, because it was ungodly. It's especially difficult now because I really haven't "come out" (relatively new thing for me) to my grandparents (who are basically my parents) or my dad, just my mom. She doesn't really give a shit, yet she doesn't really give a shit about anything. Haven't told my dad because he's disabled, and he's under a lot of stress (lost his vision 3 years ago and has diabetes type 1) I don't know how he'd take it. I don't really complain much about my family, at least they haven't been physically abusive.
As for Obama, I could smell his crock of shit a mile away. The only change I need is the one in my pocket thanks (god I think I'm using a republican slogan -_-). But really, I don't like him, or Democrats, any of them. They're the worse of two evils, it's kinda crazy that I'm actually liberal yet i hate democrats. The same ***** Pelosi who's always advocating "GREEN GREEN GREEN" takes a private jet to expensive resorts when she's out vacationing and her carbon foot print must be greater than the statistic that the chinese population can go around the world twice. I could care less for the republican hopefuls, I don't even know who's running. I gotta admit I do like politics, but mainly foreign politics, world politics. I don't care for US Politics, while it's interesting to watch ourselves plummeting down the drain we've built ourselves, it's still kinda sad since we still live here. To think we're the ones who were supposed to trick poorer countries into debt and loyalty. Here we are the United Servants of China.
Trying to keep it short too, but this is coming from someone who write "essays" as my friend put it instead of texts when I have news. -__-
Sorry I didn’t respond sooner, I didn’t go on yesterday because I had next to zero sleep Thursday and felt like shit on a stick.
About missing out on prom, TRUST ME, you didn’t. lol I was never the school dance lover, they were all the same to me. But I decided I was going to prom. So desperate (since none of my guy friends asked me to go) I offered to pay for my less-than-willing friend Hannah to go with me. I paid $60 for her prom ticket, and another 60 for mine. My mom even paid for her share of the limo ride. Don’t even know why we got a limo with just two people, I guess it was just because eveyone else did it. Not to mention the costs of getting a dress, my hair done, makeup, AND my nails. Waste of money, I should have done it myself. When we got there, the cameraman couldn’t work his stupid camera so I had to get out of the limo twice. I wore a shorter dress, not a gown like everyone else, so I wonder who I must have flashed. Hah. Inside, after taking pictures with friends they passed out pitchers of soda. In an astounding two flavors, flat Pepsi or flat Sprite. We got to eat next. Most of the food looked unappetizing, until I saw stuffed shells. I was like, “ooh yeah, now you’re speaking my language”. The server lady put one on my plate. I looked down at my plate like, what the fuck am I supposed to do with ONE stuffed shell? “That’s it? One?” “Yep.” Couldn’t believe it. After eating they started playing music and no one was dancing. I guess eventually people joined in. Then someone made a lame speech and they announced prom king and queen. More “dancing”. I say that because it wasn’t even dancing, it was grinding. And I took part in this sad prom ritual. Felt kinda dirty and gross. My friend Hannah was lame about it. I know prom was crap, but I was at least trying to have some fun. I paid for her ticket afterall, it was hard to get a thanks out of her. Some girl was crying in the bathroom because her boyfriend broke up with her. Another girl stormed off to the bathroom crying because her EX-boyfriend was slow dancing with another girl. Hahaha. All in all, by the end of the night my feet hurt, my hair was totally flat, I was hungry, my nails got fucked up, it was a huge waste of money. Prom sucked. I’m sure every other prom sucks too.
I’m kind of into archaeology and astrology too. I remember being in my back yard as a kid trying to find fossils or arrowheads lol.
I hope you can get this spa job, you don’t want to end up in debt up to your eyeballs. Especially if you plan to go back to college. Did you ever get your references?
I can relate to the shoe thing. Don’t have money to get new ones. I’ve been wearing my converse for a while. And my only pair of winter boots are suede, so if it rains or snows, I’m shit out of luck. The rest are flip flops and summer flats.
I have french canadian heritage! Too bad I can’t speak a word of french. I took french for one year in school and I forget everything. I would like to relocate. Some place scenic. I’m a sucker for scenery. Don’t beat yourself up for taking two months off though, who knows, if you didn’t you might have gotten way too stressed.
Lol, ohhh, living next to some witches. That’s crazier than the bus lady. Almost.
Jeez, now I get why you want to leave so bad. I would go a little crazy myself living next to all those nutbags. Sounds like an extremely dark comedy where you’re living.
Yes, my best friend was bass ackwards. And she loved to victimize herself. She loved attention. She told me once that she was jealous of me because I could make friends more easily. I tried to make her feel better at the time, but now I’m like, hm I wonder why you have a hard time making friends. The irony in that situation is that now I have none and she has a ton. Albeit shallow, insignificant friendships.
God, someone used you to get picked up at your place? That’s really cold.
Weird and stuck up. Where have I heard that before? I know how that feels.
Sorry you got dealt a crappy home life. Makes me realize I have no right to complain about mine. My mom can be a ***** sometimes and my dad a little too cold, but over all they’re good to me. I have an aunt who’s very religious. Always preaching the gospel, but she never goes to church and she acts like a maniac one minute and really nice the next. This past summer, after we went to a funeral for a relative who died of cancer, she started preaching to me. I was like, here we go. She knows I’m not a believer. But she was gonna try to convert me anyway. It took everything in my power to not crack up laughing. I usually respect people’s beliefs, but the way she talked, it was as if she was there to witness the second coming of christ or something. It was like she personally spoke to God, which I find absurd. Not to mention when she tells a story she gets really into it grabbing your arms, hands, shoulders, she’ll get right up in your face, eyes bulged out. I’m laughing right now at the memory of it.
I had a grandmother (that I never got to meet) who had diabetes and lost her eyesight. Eventually she died from complications due to diabetes. My mom has it, and there’s a good chance I’ll get it too. Hopefully I don’t.
So when you came out to your mom was she like, yeah, so, I don’t care?
Haha, you sound like my dad about Obama. Even though he voted for him. Pelosi is a fucking *****. I don’t trust any politicians. Especially ones that get payoffs from rich guys to fund their campaigns. Which..is..like..every one of them.
United Servants of China, indeed. American dream no more, eventually we’ll have to learn Chinese.
That’s okay that you don’t know who the hopefuls are, because they all fucking suck, and it doesn’t even matter who gets the nom, I’m not voting for any of them. Although with a quick google search you can have a good laugh at how stupid they all are. I’ve never seen anything like it.
I just wrote an essay, so don’t even worry about it.
@GoodGirl – Don’t worry about it (: I was planning on coming here yesterday but felt totally discouraged due to current shit happening, felt like I couldn’t even write or bother to anyway. and unfortunately I still haven’t been able to get my references which is really bugging me. I guess everyone is out vacationing and it’s gone to the point where I’m down right embarrassed to even bug anybody anymore. One of my references actually did contact me yesterday (1 out of 3) and told me they’d be working on my reference sometime after Xmas because they were “busy busy busy before the Holidays” and there was no rush since i’d probably end up applying next year. The other 2 references (the ones I really need/want because they are professional and in the hospitality business) have STILL not replied. So yeah, that’s basically what’s going on with that -__-
Lol I only went to my 8th grade prom. It was at the Shula’s hotel. It was fun since it was us 4 girls and everyone was on the dance floor. i remember the glittery, poofy hot pink spaghetti strap dress that I wore, on top of the glittery silver sandal heels and the cheap looking curls, I looked like an idiot, but hey, it’s 8th grade and at least I stood out, right? Yeah, I still looked like a fucking idiot, and I have the picture to testify for it and everything (which I’m sure is somewhere hiding in my closet, hoping to never be found, ever again xP) I never considered it an actual “prom” though, more like a dance, even though we did go on a limo and everything. Maybe it’s because I never had an actual date either. I was still looking forward to the high school prom, even though like you school dances and shit like that never appealed to me, I guess just for the experience. I guess maybe graduation was what I was truly looking forward to. Stupid minor details like that, I’m just into the stupid minor details -_-. (and lmao about the “outstanding” flat pepsi and sprite, and the random prom break-ups, I guess even Middle School has it’s share of drama xD)
I’ve always been into archaeology since I was a kid (that’s definitely my ultra nerdy side speaking), I would tell my kindergarten teacher I wanted to be an archaeologist and she told me that she wanted me to be a teacher instead so we settled on an archaeologist teacher. I can’t believe I still remember that! As for Astrology, I guess it all started out with the horoscopes (since a young age), I just used to think it was “cool”, but as a passion I would say it developed a little later on (maybe 2 years ago). It’s funny because I’m always (I mean, always) asking people their signs randomly whenever I strike conversation with someone, like right in the middle I’ll ask them their sign (yeah, it’s a creepy bad habit). And for people I know I usually try finding out their natal charts for them, I’m surprised how many people end up getting into it. The stuff could be pretty addictive though, especially when you find eery accuracies.
That’s cool that you’re part French-Canadian! I’ve always wanted to go to Quebec, and maybe live there for a while. I speak some French, mostly because I learnt it briefly and the rest through correlation/logic (I speak Spanish, and while they’re both pretty different, they do have a lot of Latin similarities especially their reasoning/grammar). I’m part Cuban/Puerto Rican, and half of my family can’t speak English so you know how that goes. I’m also part Cantonese, Black, Irish and Taino Indian (apart from the Spanish). To put it simply I’m just a plain old mutt.
And yes! A dark comedy is exactly what it is! It’s like your average Tim Burton movie, but ghetto, bootlegged, Saints instead of Ghosts, and a Sedano’s around the corner. Yup, that’s home. Home sweet home -_-.
Oh god the good old psychic vampires. I’ve had a lot of friends like that of my own. People who literally feed off of your energy and time in an attempt to make themselves feel good about well, themselves, since they’ve pretty much got nothing else going on for them. I mean, you can be there for someone once, maybe twice, three, four, hundred times, and then it just gets tiring. It’s the hard part about letting people in. For some reason, I must be attracted to people like that, at least subconsciously, or they’re attracted to me, either way, it’s a give and take, since I’m always the imbecile who’s in the center of the manipulation. I guess maybe I look like a shoulder, or a tissue, or something your can wipe your snot with? And yeah, actually the person who used me to get picked up at my place did it more than once too. Her mom wouldn’t let her go out with her boyfriend so she’d use me as an excuse to sleep over and sneak out at night (so that my grandparents wouldn’t find out) so she could go fuck him and then come back two three hours before dawn. Classy or what?
Lmao at the crazy aunts! I think everyone has one! Mines is my great aunt (my grandmother’s aunt actually, she’s relatively young, in her 70’s). She’s lunatic, one minute she’s great, open-minded, easy to talk to, and the next she’s rigid, stubborn, a complete and utter ***** and a nuance to everybody. She’s got a really strong personality, she either likes you or she doesn’t (and if she does, you’ll still see her bitchy side, just not in all its glory). She’s very spiritual (not religious though, more like the positive thinking, psychic, card reading type, it’s strange to describe), and she’s constantly scolding me on being so “pessimistic” and “negative” and says that I’m attracting negative situations my way. It’s pretty hilarious because she’s the type of person who has “supposedly” heard and done of everything, and truly believes she’s the expert, go-to person for anything. Sometimes just to mess with her I’ll mention fake TV show appearances where they were talking about an “interesting” spiritual topic or just made up news about a “new” (old) scientific finding (since those seem to be her areas of expertise) and ask her if she’s heard about it and she will agree full-force and even claim that she was “just talking about it” the other day with some lady at the clinic she works in and give her two cents about the topic and everything lmfao. It’s bizarre, even my mom joins in to make fun of her sometimes, especially at the way she says “BECAREEFOOLLL” every time she’s trying to make a point, her accent’s hilarious in an adorable crazy old lady kind of way. But really she’s not that bad, she’s just a little harsh and delusional.
A lot of people in my family have Diabetes (but type 2) including my crazy old aunt. My paternal grandfather has Diabetes type 2, his deceased mom had Diabetes type 2, my maternal grandmother’s mom had Diabetes type 2, only my dad suffers from Diabetes type 1. Other than that, my family in general (mainly on my mom’s side) suffers from high blood pressure and anxiety.
As for when I came out to my mom, she basically shrugged it off. I was pretty surprised and almost expected her to smack me or do something, react. But she kind of put it to the side. It’s really like that with everything though, she’s just really consumed in her life most of the time, it’s always been that way. She’s more like an older sister than a mom, I was barely raised with her though, and she likes to think of herself as a “cool mom” since she’s not judgmental according to her (even though she loves criticizing outside people). She’s still really immature and pretty indecisive about her own life, so I guess it makes sense she didn’t really care (good nor bad). At least it’s not something I have to bottle up and hide from EVERYbody.
Lmao ALLLL politicians get payoffs from rich guys to fund their campaigns. Same reason why they pass bills in the first place, to benefit the people funding them. And I did a quick google search, just out of a tinge of curiosity and mostly boredom, and I’m guessing these are the new hopefuls?:
http://img.allvoices.com/thumbs/event/609/480/85944799–republican.jpg
^^ Yup, sexy crowd.
So much for having Chinese decent. I don’t even know the which is the Lo Mein or Chow Mein. I never do delivery, just buffet.
@Sherlock Hamlet – Oh my, I’m sure by now this makes me The Queen of Long Monologues xD
I think i may write as much as I talk. My conduct was never too good in grade school because I couldn’t shut up. i wanted to teach the entire class and I loved telling the other kids to shut up. I remember my grandparents told me that they once took me to a car dealer when I was like 3 years old to buy my mom’s first new dealer car (a red Toyota, never forgotten the car) and that I stroke up conversation with a girl around my age. The worse part was that it was all in gibberish. I guess that speaks for itself lmao.
And I guess your right though, if I were to worry about that too it would probably be #1001 under the things I’m worried about. So help me God.
Ugggghh. I had this HUGE fucking comment typed out then I clicked on something and came back here and it was gone! cdnvjbdvjhgggdgfsf Jesus H Christ so fucking pissed. When I calm down I’ll come back here and try to remember everything I typed. Fuck. I hate that shit.
@GoodGirl – LMAO! Same thing’s happened to me before (multiple times actually). No biggie, no rush (:
Lol. Okay. I couldn’t believe it. I was done. Done I tell you! I’m still pretty pissed about it. I must be PMSing hard. Sorry, TMI. hah
I know it’s pretty frustrating. Especially when you write huge ass paragraphs (cough*me). C’est la vie~ ugh feel you on the pms thing. Thank God I’m not PMS-ing now, I actually get PMDD, so bad it even takes a toll on me physically, so you know how that shit goes -__-.
Yes, so very frustrating. I type a lot too. And I had all of this shit typed out and I’m gonna try to remember it all but I know I’ll only half succeed. What exactly is PMDD? I’ve web-md’d it in the past because I get really bad PMS but I forget what it is now.
Okayyyyy, starting over, from scratch. Maybe I won’t type an enormous essay this time and it won’t get erased.
I don’t know much about resumes, like I said before, but don’t you just need their contact info for a reference? Like how can you be so busy not to just give you the info? Assuming that the spa *could* possibly contact them, I don’t see what the big deal is. I don’t think that they would even call over the holidays. Would they? Seems like you’re just getting put off. That whole thing sucks, you’re so close yet so far away.
Your 8th grade prom reminds me of mine. Well ours was called the “afterglow”. I didn’t wear a glittery poofy pink dress with glittery heels, however, if I found that in a store I would have been all over that shit. lol My favorite color was pink and I loved me some glitter. I went with a group of girl friends too and we actually had a lot of fun, to my suprise. I remember there being only a little drama. Nothing like the HS prom, hah. I remember I asked my long time crush to dance with me and it broke my little heart that he seemed miffed about it. He couldn’t have looked any more bored. I didn’t know what to say to him though. Ohh well, it’s not even important now. I looked like such a nerd then with my braces, haha.
Hey, I’m a Leo incase you were wondering. Were you wondering? You probably were. lol
I don’t think your random asking of people’s signs is creepy. I’ll be talking to someone and later find out what their sign is and then I’m like, “OH, that explains everything!” Maybe I take it too seriously sometimes. But it’s fun and it can be suprisingly accurate.
So all these years later, would you rather be an archaeologist or a teacher for it now?
I have Puerto Rican cousins and a black uncle. It’s weird because I never even thought of them as being a different race or color. Until I had to do a project in my high school spanish class where I needed to bring in pictures of my family. (I should mention I’m extremely pale) A friend asked me, “You have a black uncle?” I was like, “Uh, I don’t know, I guess..” I had to actually look at the picture to confirm it! Lmao
I’m a mutt too. Aside from being part French-Canadian I’m also Italian, Polish, English and I’ve heard that I’m Irish and German but I can’t confirm those two. And thanks cause I had no idea what Cantonese was until I saw this and searched the word. <—Dumbass. hah
A ghetto, bootlegged Tim Burton movie? Now that is pretty scary. And I like Tim Burton movies.
Psychic vampires. That's a good name for 'em. Did you make that up? I've had a lot of psychic vampires feed on me in the past and it's caused me to hate a lot of people. I don't want to get too close so they can't hurt me. That friend you had, what a *****. My friend never did that to me, but she had no problem calling her boyfriend or just other friends to talk while I was at her house or her mine for sleepovers. I don't know about you, but I think that's so rude. I think they seek us out or something. We're too nice and they prey on that. It's sort of sadistic. Does that make me a masochist? It's like that Offspring song, Self Esteem. 'It's okay because I like the abuse'. Except I don't like the abuse. Nevermind.
Lmao! Your aunt sounds so hilarious. A little kooky but cute. I think that's funny that you make up stuff and she says she was talking about it recently. lol I can almost hear the accent from what you typed. That reminded me of an aunt I have. She's not really my aunt, I'm not sure what relation she is to me. But everyone calls her "Auntie Anne". Except she isn't adorable and funny. She's a nosey, bitter, hot headed, old Italian bitty.
Her worst trait is her noseiness. She wants to know everything about everyone. However, she won't tell you a god damn thing about herself. She's obsessed with me going to college and I make shit up so I won't have to hear her complain about my life choices. And she WILL voice her opinion. She hates everything you do if she doesn't agree with it. For some odd reason she's keeping a secret the place in Italy where my great grandparents emigrated from. She's in her 80's so she'll probably kick the bucket soon. Which sucks because I really want to know about my heritage and I won't find out unless I go on one of those ancestry websites.
Yeah, it tends to run in families. I think the family members I have with Diabetes have type 2.
It almost seems like a good thing that your mom doesn't care. Smacking you would have been worse. On the other hand it would probably be nice to have some one care enough to be supportive of you.
Yep, that's pretty much all of the hopefuls, I think a couple are missing. And the black guy, Herman Cain just dropped out. He's a scumbag, not sure if you've been paying attention to the news and what he's been up to.
Well, that's a lot less than I typed the first time around. I tried my best. haha.
PMDD is Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. It’s basically like having PMS, but to the nth degree. It sucks because it’s like having someone else taking control over your body for basically a week (or two, it’s happened -__-) before I hit my period. And sometimes it will last a two days after I get it too. It’s horrible. And there’s really no indicator as to “when”. There’s no concrete day, I just suddenly “feel it”. I get really bad joint and muscle pain and horrible fatigue and bloating. On rally bad occasions I’ll get Migraines. And the hot flashes (menopause? ha). Mostly I just act like I’m pregnant, I have really weird food cravings that I’ll otherwise not even care for when I’m not PMDD-ing. Then towards the end comes the really bad depression. I’m usually just super anxious (which doesn’t help btw), but the depression is so severe I can barely function. I try taking Evening Primrose Oil and Midol and just exercising to manage (sometimes excedrin for when I get the bad headaches) and sometimes it helps (minimally). Yup, it’s awesome.
As for the contact info, that I have (phone number and emails at least). I just don’t have the actual written references, and the reason I need it is for the interview and actually the application itself, since it’s only online. If they consider you a candidate, they’ll call you and make an appointment for your interview, which you’d have to basically bring a copy of everything. Yet for the app itself, you have to enter all your info (including your resume, cover letter, even the full specialist licensure #, and of course your 3 references including their contact info and the written reference. I got pretty much everything since my license already came in the mail shortly after I graduated, I just need for someone to take the time to write me the damn references. And the reason why i really want these 2 people to write it is because they’re in the hospitality business and it’ll make me look good (since I really have no experience). As for the other reference, I might as well get someone else to write me it since he’s being a prick and putting me off, it’s still a more personal reference anyway. And yeah, they are basically putting me off.
Lmao, i had braces in 8th grade too! But not for my prom (I took them out shortly before), but basically throughout all of middle school. I don’t even remember the theme for our Prom, let alone the name (it’s sad, my memory, worst part is I don’t even remember ever knowing), I’m pretty sure it was like a Hollywood glam type since it was at the Hotel, and everything was pretty much glam and classy. I bought my dress/shoes at Dillard’s, and the jewelry from Macy’s (everything pink, too much pink, I didn’t even like pink). My grandma practically chose the dress, and in all honesty it was the best looking one there (I didn’t even like it, it was all too cheesy). At least nobody had my… look -_-.
I’m an Aquarius (: (February Aquarius, real deal, utter complete Aquarius xP)! I’ve been meeting a lot of other Aquariuses lately, it almost feels like everyone’s Aquarius. And honestly I’m surprised I didn’t think of you as a Leo! I thought of you as a Pisces for some reason, I think maybe even a Libra, but I can kinda see the Leo (lmao xD woww). Obviously I don’t know you personally and it’s really hard (no shit?) to tell online, but for some reason Pisces crossed my mind. My dad’s a Leo (he’s probably the person in my family I get along with the most), and two of my closets friends ever were/are both Leo’s. Aquarius and Leo’s do get along though, they’re both fixed signs and it’s the air/fire connection thing.
I guess now though, even though I’m really interested in archaeology, i still don’t know if I’d undertake it. I’m still so confused as to what I truly want, I’m really just setting up short-term goals. For starters I can’t afford debt, and I need to pay off this student loan (my mom’s helping me with part of it, so some weight is lifted off). The entire course was still 17,500$ (and that was only for 7 months- pricey but the institute was awesome i admit). Sallie Mae is constantly sending me reminders to update the benefits and crap like that which kind of sets me on the edge, I’d hate to be those people who get overloaded with junk mail. I’m just glad I don’t have to start paying for another 4 months.
I have some greek and italian decent cousins (my half sister is lebanese jewish decent), but I have none of those. Supposedly we have some rumored French decent (since my black ancestry is Haitian peoples that crossed over to Cuba), but that can’t be verified either. I do know that one of my great great great grandmothers from my mom’s side was a slave in Cuba. And lol Cantonese is basically a dialogue, but I guess it can be associated to a group of people as well (at least the people who speak it). That’s what my great grandfather spoke, I don’t know the exact region of China he came from though.
It’s funny though because my grandpa (mom’s dad) is dark with kinky hair and my grandma is Indian looking with really straight black hair and my mom is pretty much a white girl with brown hair and hazel eyes O_O. Still my grandmother’s dad was extremely pale since his entire family were immigrants from the Canary Islands in Spain, and my grandfather’s dad was half Haitian/Black decent half Irish, so that’s how genetics came into play. I’m white (not like my mom though, more yellowish) but with dark brown hair. Only thing light (or kind of) are my eyes which are like an olive hazel.
I love The Offspring song Self Esteem! Such a baser song though, I used to listen to it all the time back in middle school (along with other grungy stuff, that was the “phase”.) Lmao and it could be true to some extent– it’s like being a non-masochistic masochist. A new-wave masochist? Lol god I don’t know. Maybe to a certain point, it’s the fact of being there for people that I don’t mind. I don’t really mind being the one person to call at 3 in the morning if you’re having a meltdown (which has happened), but to use me to the point where it’s almost morally embarrassing, it’s like freezing my ego and smashing it to smithereens with a hammer. Maybe it’s just being a Humanitarian? Or self-less? Or maybe honestly just trying to be a fucking friend? Well I’ve pretty much seen a lot when it comes to relationships with others, I’m not really surprised by anything anymore. You can’t really blame yourself for being the way you are, the same way the people that use you probably don’t give a rat’s ass either, which I’ve learned the hard way, after trying to conform to something I’m really not. I’ve also used others to an extent, wasn’t as bad I think, but I see where it comes from. Everyone needs to feel fulfilled emotionally, some people only get that by praying on others, physically, mentally, emotionally, you name it. It barely has me analyzing the way I used to, just listening a whole lot more to Bjork.
And no, Psychic Vampires was a term I rephrased, but it describes the “interaction” perfectly, no?
I think most seniors are pretty nosey I think? Especially the widowers or single ones, It must be the lack of activity or action, or maybe the lack of new experiences. Sometimes they say things genuinely, they wanna feel useful again, and giving out advice or suggestions is one way of them fulfilling that. Sometimes they just really have nothing better to do, or may be angry with the world, and feel the need to scold the younger crowd because they’re frustrated? Either way, they’re pretty nosey anyhow. It’s so weird how she’s keeping the place your grandparent’s emigrated from a secret though, it’s also kind of insanely hilarious. It’s like some strange Godfather type pact thing she’s got going on lmao xD. Might be the old Italian Mafia? She sounds so old-fashioned Italian though, I think it’s kind of adorable in a mean Joe Pesci Beetlejuice type of way (i’m tired, i know i don’t make sense, completely disregard).
Yeah I’m kind of glad in a way my mom doesn’t give a shit either. It would’ve been worse for her to go ballistic and tell everyone or throw me out and not help me with the financial aid. Then I’d be in deep shit. In that sense I’m kind of grateful for her being the way she is, even though it’s been difficult to get emotionally close to her all my life. She’s just not motherly or emotionally, but at least she understands, maybe in a detached, unemotional and non-bothered type of way, but at least it’s Civil. No one’s perfect, worse thing you could ever try to do is fix someone. Once someone’s hit their character epiphany sometime after 20 (or before) it doesn’t change. It may alter, for a few months at most, but people will always resort to the way they are, unless they go through a tragic, life-changing event.
So that’s the black guy’s name, Herman Cain? Black republican…. I’m not surprised he dropped. And not exactly, the most catching up I’ve done recently on Politics is the very recent death of Kim Jong Il.
So yeah, I wrote a ton (again, ugh). Need to wake up at 9 tomorrow, scheise.
Night 🙂
Holy crap. I think I have that. I get the weird food cravings like I’m pregnant and bad migraines beforehand. I get depressed and fatigued and bloated. I usually get severe back pain like I threw it out or something. I also get super severe cramps. I’ve tried midol as well as pamprin (or whatever it’s called) and those didn’t work for me. It has caffeine in it and that made me jittery. Advil works sometimes, not always, and definitely not right away. My mom is always saying “it’s like you’re out for the count when you get it”. But it’s true! I’m not faking how terrible it is. And the menopause hot flashes, haha, those too. I should really get to a doctor about it but, alas, I have no cash and I hate doctors. :[
Oh, I see. It all sounds so complicated. Do you have anyone else to reference for you besides the prick? lol Hopefully these other two experienced people can help you out. Without you, you know, having to get on your hands and knees and beg for some mercy. hah
Lol! You’re so lucky to get them out early. I had them in from 7th to 10th grade. I hated starting high school with braces. The sad part is I didn’t wear my retainer like I was supposed to (little rebel over here). I only wore it at night. Then I stopped wearing it every night just occassional nights. Now my top retainer doesn’t fit. My teeth aren’t crooked, just shifted a bit. My bottom one still fits and I learned my leeson and wear it every night, despite the fact that it kills me to follow the rules. Well, sounds like your school went all out for 8th grade prom. We had ours in some sort of dingy old country club type thing. Not a nice one. Maybe it’s cause I’m from a very small town? It was sort of like a Hall that they rented out for weddings and parties, but it was so dirty looking. lol There was no theme. Although, practically every girl dressed like a fucking princess. They thought they were princesses. I remember thinking that it was so silly because it was just 8th grade. To me, it didn’t even count as a prom. It was just like a regular dance. Don’t worry, I can’t remember a lot of shit either. I was cheesy. I went through so many phases. Like for a while I wanted to be punk, then in my first year of high school I turned all emo. I wore black everyday. I listened to emo and screamo music. Haha.
Aquarius? Huh, I never would have guessed. I’m an August baby (born on the 5th), if that makes any more sense to you. I had a friend that was Pisces, we got a long pretty well. I don’t think I’ve ever had any friends that were Aquariuses. A lot of my friends were Cancers and I had a couple of Virgo friends. We’re not friends any more, I wonder what that says..
Oh! And my half-sister is a Libra. We DO NOT get along. She’s addicted to drugs though, has been for the majority of her adult life, so we were never close. As a matter of fact, I’ve never gotten along well with any Libras. Maybe I haven’t met the right ones? Haha. I wonder what about me came across as a Pisces? Do tell.
Wow. I didn’t think beauty school cost so much. My mom went to beauty school (granted a looong time ago) I never asked her how much it cost her though. She never even ended up doing hair, and that was her passion. Mostly becasue the places she went to wouldn’t give her a chance, so I guess she got discouraged and decided to no longer pursue it. Short-term goals are better, you don’t want to set yourself up and then get disappointed if it doesn’t work out. You always have the future, you’re only 17, afterall. lol
Yeah, I looked up Cantonese and I was like “ohhh, China! Okay.” haha
There’s so many Italians here (NJ, yep, there’s that stereotype) so when I tell someone that I’m Italian they’re like, yeah, you and everyone else. The difference is, I can prove it, whereas a lot of people just say it because they think it’s cool and they like to act the retarded Jersey Shore part. God, kill me now. I’d never even heard of a fucking guido until those idiots became famous. Thing is, I’m so white, I never tan anymore because I’m paranoid about getting skin cancer. So the only thing that’s visably Italian about me is my hair color, very dark brown. I have hazel eyes too, btw. :]
Your family is from all over the place! Wow. That’s some family history. I wish I knew more about mine. All of my family emigrated fairly recently. Like late 1800s and on. Most of them changed their names too, to sound more American, I guess that’s what they did back then. My Polish side is from a great grandfather who came here during WWII, that I’m really interested in. Since Hitler rose to power. I want to know so bad how he made it out and came here.
I still have a thing for grunge and 90’s alt rock. I think I’m stuck in a different era.
New-wave masochist? lol Better not tell too many people that one, it could catch on and become a trend. Everyone would become a new-wave masochist. Psychic vampires describes it perfectly, no doubt.
You are absolutely right. I just can’t find it in me to let it go. I’m always over-analyzing everything (might just be the Leo in me). TO THIS DAY, I’m still beating myself up over these social climbing, selfish bastards. Sometimes I say, it’s my fault. Other days I say, no, no, it’s definitely their fault. Then I recognize that they’re not worth the energy to even care about at all. I’m wasting my time, they probably don’t even give two shits about how I’m feeling right now. Why am I wasting all of this energy thinking about it and analyzing it over and over? I’ve only ever been a friend, I tried my best to be a good friend. The rest is out of my hands.
Lmao! I actually came to the conclusion myself that we have a dark family history in the mafia and that’s why we can never know. hahaha She’s like the “Don” Vito Corleone of my family.
I love the movie Beetlejuice, by the way. I think I get what you’re getting at. Maybe. 😛
Anywho, I think you might be right about all old people being nosey. But she’s like the nosiest old person ever in the history of forever. In any case, because of her age, she probably thinks her word is golden and always right. So who’s to argue with that?
Yep, there’s unfortunately nothing you can do about that. It’s a shame. :[
My mom is on the extreme opposite end of that spectrum. She’s sort of overly motherly. If that’s even possible. It used to get on my nerves. But I realize now she’s just being protective and that’s how most mother’s should be.
Yes. He’s a cheater. He sexually harrassed his female employees and supposedly had an affair with one woman. He also thinks all poor people are poor because they don’t work hard enough. He’s an asshole.