So.. This time i really have lost everything. My mother has been missing for 2 months now, my sister has moved to Europe and doesn’t wish to talk anymore, my Father has been dead for a long time, and my brothers.. I haven’t spoken to them in 4 years. I wish to be buried next to the one love of my life and my baby boy. I want Horses by Daryl Braithwaite to be playing at my funeral. Purple orchids and white lilies. For the past 3 years, i’ve just ruined my life completely. I can’t get through a day without having a few lines of coke, or a six pack of some alcoholic substance. I just hope someone’s there to plan this. I won’t miss any of my friends, although i know they’re going to be upset at the time, they’ll be over it in a week. The only reason they’ll miss me is because no one is going to be there to pick up the pieces. Everyone else.. Hold onto what you have. Oh the advantages of having an Uncle who goes hunting..
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don’t give up…please talk… lifemoreordinary@hotmail.com
I feel the same. Although I can’t agree with you on the music. I imagine this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SOkID1qzR6A
or this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MIt3uO8aziw
which goes a something like this
“You shout in your sleep.
Perhaps the price is just too steep.
Is your conscience at rest if once put to the test?
You awake with a start to just the beating of your heart.
Just one man beneath the sky,
Just two ears, just two eyes.”
But I get you. You should try a year of sobriety and see if that does anything. If you still feel horrible, then entertain the idea. Until then, give your body and mind a break from the sludge, because it only makes things worse.
Don’t do it. Your shit may be fucked up right now as I can well see from your story, but it can get better. That’s why we are given all this time for … Haven’t you ever wandered WHY do we have so much time to live? All those years we have – the months, weeks and days. So much can be done [ or undone] in just one day. Well the reason is that we should use this time to fix our mistakes. Day after day. They may not even be your mistakes – you might have nothing to do with the fact that your family fell apart or people you love passed away. Coke and booze does get you through day to day but it also adds to the overall self-loathing. Don’t touch that gun.. Imagine that your life right now is one bloody puzzle. You have all the time in the world to complete it.. the pieces which are missing can be replaced. Use the time you are given. That is why we are here
I don’t know how to complete it.. That’s what’s getting to me.
You have to restructure. Take a long hard look at your life and what you have. It may be nothing right now. Try your best shot at finding your mother – there are a couple of good methods of tracking people down. I could tell you about them. Also since the only family you have left is your brothers, as a sister who ”doesnt wish to talk anymore” is a ***** (and I should know this first hand, my sister did the same. ) I strongly advice you to write her a letter, explain how you feel and tell her that even though she wants to throw you out of her life you will always be there for her. Just because your worth more than other people is no reason to die, I discovered.. the important thing is not to let it affect your integrity. It seems like everyone has betrayed you and all that is left is fall down on the ground and not get up, and wait for Death to take you over. Except it wont. Unfortonately we are given all this extra time to deal with this kind of shit. So here is what you do: You start over. What you need to complete your life is a couple of people who truly care about you, and will stick around you no matter what. Your friends don’t seem to be the right candidates.. But I will tell you something thats painful but true. Those people will come to you only after you have sorted yourself out and placed yourself in a comfortable position. It’s sad but true. When it all crashes down, nobody will be around. They will just watch you fall. Find your pride to get back up again, even if you don’t have the will. That will come later. Get back up on your feet, throw away everything that you don’t need, and start collecting the pieces. If you wanna talk more, mail me at emilia.ss7@gmail.com ..