I just can’t stand another day living my life. I’m at my lowest and I think if I die my mom would be happy. Or not, ‘cos she and my stepfather and also my lazy half-siblings treats me like  I’m their cleaning lady and they won’t even give me a dime for everything that I do for them.
My mom says I can’t have a bad attitude because I’m not pretty, that everyone leaves me because of my sucky attitude. It’s sad that the person who should tell you that you’re beautiful is saying the opposite thing, to think that she’s my mother, and almost everyone I know tells me that I’m beautiful. She calls me disrespectful most of the time, just ‘cus I don’t want to answer her stupid questions. That I prefer to be quiet than say non-sense things. I once told her that one day I will kill myself, and she told me that she’s only gonna cry for one day, after all she will be losing a burden. I hate it, I hate her, I hate my life.
I’m 22 years old and I’m still living with them, because I don’t have a job. And I don’t want to get one, I fear for myself. People are only bound to hurt me, everyone does, everywhere I go. Every single person I know disappoints me. I’m practically friendless, I decide to stay away from all of them because they’re all self-centered. They will be there for you when you’re happy and leave you alone when you’re down, which I am most of the time ‘cus sadly I am bipolar and I think I also have borderline personality. And they can’t take my depressed mood.
Most of my relationships only lasted for two months, they say that it’s hard being with me, that they try their best to make me happy but I’m always sad, that I’m too paranoid. That yes, they think I’m nice and sweet but there is something wrong with me. I’m starting to think I deserve to die alone.
I’m seriously thinking of drinking bleach or overdosing myself or jumping of our roof or better yet hang myself. I just want to die. I’m alone right now in our house and I really want to do it, I wish I can find the strength to do it today…
4 comments
I’m sorry. I doubt you have a bad attitude. I betyou can be a bit negative but I have those moments as well. Aside from that…you need to get out that mindset…not everyone is going to hurt you. You will get hur but not all the time and it’s life…please don’t think that the world is that horrible. Smile.
You sound a whole lot like my wife. I met her in college, after her third suicide attempt. She’s very shy in public, clumsy and when she drinks she gives TMI. But I saw something in her, past the social disasters, the cutting, the hiding away and sleeping for 20 hours a day.
I’m not pillar of strength myself, but I fell in love with her and as it turned out, she liked me. We’ve now been married for 16 years, and things aren’t perfect….my meds list is twice as long as hers, my son is autistic, and my daughter keeps getting in trouble in school. But, we made it. It’s awfully fucking hard, but when I look into my daughter’s eyes, I realize that it was all worth it.
That could be you, someday. But you need to be alive for it to happen. Just take it a day at a time….like I do. I’ve told my story here in a couple of articles. I am alive and typing this because of a mistake. I blew my own hanging, didn’t do it right. I was hospitalized last month. Why would I want to end it all? I have no damn clue why, but I have to take it day by day at any rate. If I want better days, I have to stay alive until I can work out how.
AtTheEnd- Most of the time I really am negative, I think of the worst in every one, I’m trying my best to stay positive but at the end of the day I always fail, I still cry everynight. But I’m getting by, I’m still smiling no matter how tough things are. Thank you for those kinds words, it really means a lot.
porphyrous- You’re wife must be so lucky to have you. When all of this goes away today, I hope I could find a man who will also accept me beyond my imperfections and the depressions. I know life is never easy and I will find a way to continue living so that i could also find my happiness.
Hi bittergirl. I’m so sorry to hear about your situation and can really relate. Your story sounds so much like mine even the Dx’s you mentioned! But there’s a good thing. I’m a little older than you and remember when I was feeling my worst and it was about your age which is common. I just want to tell you that things can get better if you work at it and you want it. I’m living proof of that! Feel good about yourself and don’t let anyone bring you down! Hope this helps! … Steve