So I’m here again, and for the stupidest reason I can imagine right now. Mom keeps asking me if I’m still going to school, or if I’ve dropped out. A difficult question, since I don’t know either. I know there’s no point in me going back there, I’m not studying as it is. All I’ve done in the past is to just turn up. Stopped going before Christmas though, but i lied and said i did anyway.
Anyway, I’ve been saying I want a job just to get out of the discussion. I really would like one, but i have no idea of how to go about it, and the thought of blundering around like I’ve a right to it, taking up space… Talking to strangers about my future? Settling for whatever comes up, even if I’m the person least suited for it, If i get even that? Of course, it won’t get that far, because I don’t have the guts to start looking. But that’s what they want me to do. The fact that it terrifies me is… They say i can’t just sit at home, freeloading, and i know that, I’m so ashamed over my inability to do anything about it I want to die!
I keep thinking i should just leave, walk away and sit down somewhere and wait until i either starve or freeze to death. Stupid thoughts. And then there’s the window I fantasize jumping out of.
Stupid stupid stupid
Keep repeating to myself “I am nothing, I am nothing”, but while it makes me feel a fraction better, there’s no way i can make it the truth. I want to be either someone or nothing, I’m tired of being somewhere in between! If i had a brain and a healthy doze of confidence maybe I’d be someone. I have neither.
My head hurts.
3 comments
Your reasons for being here are not stupid at all… They are just as justified as everyone else that graces these pages of sorrow. This is a place you should always feel comfortable coming to for whatever reason.
Weither it be venting, seeking advice, friendships, whatever. This is a home away from home, in a sick twisted way some might say.
We are all cut from the same doom and gloom kilt.
And you are not nothing. You are someone, even if you dont want to be.
I know exactly where you’re coming from.
There hasn’t been a day that’s gone by in the past year where my parents haven’t told me to get a job. Not to mention, my sister always gets involved saying I’m lazy and I do nothing all day.
And she’s sort of right, but she has no idea what I go through; how hard it is to get out of bed. Sometimes I fantasize about telling her everything about me. Asking her if she would be so quick to judge me if every other thought she had was “I need to die”.
I’m also intimidated by the general public, making it very hard for me to connect in an exposed/professional setting, and even more difficult to apply for a job. I’ve had a couple interviews via a couple friends, but none of them have worked out. And it feels like a failure each time I get rejected, because I get to hear about it from my family for the next week or so. I don’t really want a job. I mean, I want money, so I sort of want a job, but I don’t want to talk to people or put myself out there in that sense.
So I’m left with feeling like a disappointment to my parents every day that I continue to not even apply for jobs. It’s awesome.
If you want to talk, I’m game.
I know the feeling. I am scared every day. At work i feel like i am not good enough. I dry heave in the bathroom. I’m so tired. I am surprised i go back. I have to sleep a lot to recover from the anxiety. It just sucks. I always think that if i could just check into a hotel with balconies and jump off i do not have to be scared anymore. Wish i had the guts.