what the hell is wrong with me?!

hey, i hear you totally… sometimes being in an ‘enviable’ position makes people feel like they have to put you down… but they don’t stop to realise that people have been doing that to you your whole life… I was always smart in school, graduated summa cum laude (first class honours) from uni and didn’t get less than a ‘B’ in exams in school… i was also very good looking, and came 2nd in a national contest to find the country’s ‘Hottest Bachelor’… i dunno why but my father and brother just didn’t take to me for some reason growing up and treated me like dirt… i think my brother was jealous and my father, i don’t really know why he was so shitty to me… i used achievements to try to cover up my low self-esteem, but in the end they haven’t been enough… i tried to get to a place where i was ‘better’ than everybody else so nobody could put me down… i felt like if i was seen as the best looking, the smartest and the best at sports that people would love me and it would ‘cure’ my low self-esteem… but then i broke my leg, and fell short of playing football at the top level…. and then all the hatred people had shown me, and the complete lack of love i grew up with, just flooded in…. i was ok when i thought iwas going to get to a place where noone could put me down, where i was ‘better’ than everybody else, and when i broke my leg that shattered that plan and depression and the pain of people always having a go at me and putting me down just swallowed me up… i dunno why people choose to be like that… i really don’t…. it’s horrible… obv i’m grateful that i’m a good looking guy and that i’m smart, but unfortunately it’s not enough to protect me from all the hatred i’ve been shown in my life… it’s sad.

i hope you find your way, and that you can find your self esteem and go on to live a happy life…