I’m really not. I mean, I have depression. I cut. I smoke. I do drugs. anything to make me feel the happiness that normal people do. but I’ve never tried to kill myself. I’ve wanted to. I lost my brother to suicide in 2008. ever since, I swore I’d never do it, because my family was so broken; and my mom is still devastated beyond repair. she told me the night he died that if I hadn’t been there, she would have killed herself too. she made me promise that I’d never do it. I promised, because I believed it, because I believed I was too scared to die, because, even though I consider myself Wiccan, I don’t know what to believe in terms of afterlife. and I would feel terrible knowing that once I died, I’d kill my mom too.
but there are times that I want her to feel horrible. she verbally, emotionally, mentally abuses me horribly. sometimes I want her to feel the way she should feel- like a horrible mother. sometimes I am jealous that my brother got away and I didn’t.
I’m a suicide survivor in more ways than one. I’ve never tried, but I’ve thought about it. I lost my brother to it, my cousin to it. I have thousands of scars on my arms and legs from eight years of cutting. I smoke cigarettes to feel better.. to hurt my body in almost subconscious self-injury. I do drugs to feel something besides misery or being just ‘okay’. I have back pain that has to do with scoliosis and having a surgery called a spinal fusion four years ago; since then, I have been addicted to painkillers. they are the difference between a good day and a bad day.
I have never had good luck with love. I always got my heart broken. but I now have two life partners, in a polyamorous relationship that will be a year now. we have a three month old little boy. I love them all with my entire heart. what’s left of it. they make me happier than I ever thought I would be.
why can’t that be enough?
1 comment
“anything to make me feel the happiness that normal people do” – I know know what you mean. And though you may feel sort of trapped? by that promise you made with your mom – I’m glad you made it and hope you can keep it. I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your brother…
I don’t know how well talking with your mom would go – but have you gave that thought? I know it may be hard, and I don’t think you should allow her to treat you so – even with the loss of a son. I think if you could share with her, in a gentle manner, how she makes you feel due to her abuse – it may help her realize what she is doing to you – that she isn’t the only one in pain.
I know what you mean about the cutting and drugs. Though addiction to medication I do not, and though I don’t want to lecture you – but I hope you can stop at least some of these habits. But I am glad it gives you the ability to have a good day. But I hope one day you learn to have happy days without it.
As for love, that I cannot advise about at all… no experience. But again, glad they can make you happy. Hope you can find a way to have it all worth while to live. And as you said to me( but don’t mean to throw words back ) – don’t give up.
Also slightly random, since I’m an ignorant and well generally stupid, where might you be in the world – if you don’t mind saying?