I don’t like to complain, my problems are my own, but at this point it kind of concerns the world outside me. What I do by my self or to my self is my business, lately though it’s a matter which can possibly involve other people, maybe random maybe not. 2 years ago i had an episode involving a whole lot of alcohol, my gun and an “interaction”, i was on my way to either do it my self or get some cops jumping. nobody got shot, i was simply to drunk, and actually barfed in the cop car.
Basically since I have crossed that point I’m not really all that concerned with the well being of the ones that make things difficult for me, and at times I’m really temped to , you know, cross that line and simply let’em have it. What consequences when I’m living day by day with constant thoughts of putting a bullet through my own head?
I’m definitely not homicidal and have out most respect for my fellow human beings, but these little pricks that think that they can get away with their petty little sh!t because of stereotypical social standards/system and the assumed cozy “blanket of law”, well, i’m afraid that in a given moment i just might shatter their delusion by tearing into them, literally. For a few months now I had to deal with this one little weasel. I’m just sick of it, i can see right through him including how the gears grind in his stupid head, and the last time I saw him i just wanted to put the fear into him, to see his eyes drown in a realization that life really is that fucking fragile and can end this abruptly, right here, right now, basically share with him how i feel on daily bases. From that point I had to admit to my self the obvious, even though i will not enjoy such doing it will definitely bring a level of righteous satisfaction. I do find enjoyment when I share, find a common understanding and see it being accepted, but unfortunately with most people basic fear is a much more effective tool. To me that’s actually a dangerous combination/direction because I’m not an impulsive idiot, but a rather well informed and methodical individual, so I’d plan things accordingly, not out of fear or as a precaution from being caught, but out of sheer diligence. Naturally if things get bad that will only progress my suicidal tendencies so it’s not really a problem.
Yeah i think I should stop for now.
1 comment
I had similar thoughts in my old job, really just fantasies, when I got annoyed with someone, I felt like going postal. But it was my own weakness talking, know what I’m saying? I couldn’t compete, so I felt like using force instead. I think it is really great that you’re sharing this, talking about it. Are you taking any meds? With me it was my meds which made it worse. Anyway, you sound frustrated to me, I’m wondering if you really wish you were doing something else, something more you, something more fun?
I dunno, I’m grasping at straws, am not so good at empathising, but hope you’ll want to elaborate on the stuff you wrote. Am sorry you are suicidal, it’s an unpleasant enough feeling.
Best wishes