Ive been trying to type how I feel, but I just cant get my thoughts straight. I have this very often. I know what I want to say. And in my head I hear the exact sentence, I just cant get it of my lips. And its not only when talking about emotions, I also have it when I’m just in the middle of a random conversation. Like my brain kind of just stops and I just cant get the words out. The feeling of having something on the tip of your tongue, only difference is that I know what I want to say but for some reason I just cant.
In a nutshell: I just feel lonely. And usually I’m not even alone. I hate being alone so I’m constantly out with friends. I dont like to be left alone with my thoughts. I like distraction. And Ive always had this empty feeling, but lately I feel like it has become worse. It actually hurts. My entire body hurts actually. I guess thats not new. Weird that you get used to feeling dead inside, but you kind of cant get used to it at the same time..
Ive barely been eating again. Simply because I dont have any appetite for the last few weeks. In the evening I ususally eat a bit, if I feel like it, caus my migraine becomes worse when I dont eat. I havent been eating because of the weed I guess. But also because the last few weeks I guess Ive been wanting to die more. What is even the point in eating if you want to die anyway? With the best of luck I’ll die of stravation. But I still dont see that happening haha. Too bad.
Ive been cutting again. A lot. After a few months of trying to stop, and only cut every once and a while. I dont even know why I wanted to stop. Mainly because of work, when youre entire body is shown you cant really have cuts. Ive been using the sides of my arms, thats something you dont really see. Only problem is that they are now fully covered in scars and I have no room to cut now. And I would really love to cut.
I guess on one hand I’m ‘happy’ that I feel like “this” the past few weeks. I feel like I am becoming more certain to die I guess. I start to care for things less and less. Its kind of frightning too though. But maybe thats also just some sort of deffence mechanism? Pretend to not care so it will be easier to actually go through with it?
I dont know.
15 comments
Defense mechanism is what I said it was for a long time…turned out I was scared of myself and didn’t know what was going on around me, because my mind couldn’t percieve it all. I cut for a long time, on my right thigh, on my left arm and near my wrist. The funny thing is, everytime I put the blade right on my veins, I couldn’t push down and slide the blade across. I was scared to die, even though I wished for death. Sigmund Freud, founder of psychoanalysis, called that the Life Instincts. You will forever have the will to survive, no matter how hard shit gets. That’s just the way of life. Keep your head up, try to find that little bit of hope left inside of you. There is always hope inside of us. My personal advice is this, stay away from the weed for a little while, and try your best to stop cutting. Trust me, you’ll be glad you did in the long run. Take care of yourself Christina. Good luck to you.
Hello Christina,
Long time no see. Nice to see you again…but not really…but you know…lol…it’s sad when we feel like this place is a good place…but if it helps…then it is. Sorry to hear that you’re feeling like this…but it’s perhaps a bit easier to hear than the previous anger…i dunno…maybe I just smoke too much weed myself…lmao
When I get through a major event or trauma or anxiety riddled stint in life…the subsequent depression…ahhh….I used to just suffer….now I use it as down time…and always end up coming through the other side with new insight…I usually tell my friends and family….somethings coming…either a breakdown or a breakthrough…and I don’t care which…but I wish it would hurry…hahaha…have you ever come out of one of these periods of depression, melancholy and apathy with new insight? Would you consider trying it?
Glad to see your still with us…
Namaste
Amakua
He Amakua,
I guess I understand what youre saying with the feeling of somethings coming.. never a breakthrough though.. Never any new insights either except for the realisation I really want to die.
Hey Christina,
That is a shame. The weed was prescribed for something else…but I find it helps to allow me to reflect more on possible lessons…so I can quit falling on my friggin face and doing the same things over and over again…lol
I don’t understand how you can want to die? What is death? What will you experience? these are unknowns….me I’m afraid to live…cuz I pretty much know what to expect…more of the same…lol…or rather that has been my way until recently…a decade or two…and still it is not easy…but I know what death is….I just gotta figure out what life is and how to do it…hahaha
Time for a date with little Jackie Paper and Puff the Magic Dragon
Love to You
Amakua
Good you have a date.. I fucking lost my weed.. i spent the last three hours searching for it, literally been walking the same road I took when I came home this afternoon 2 times. I just fucking lost it. 3 grams of weed gone. Im a fucking idiot.
So for me its just an old fashioned cutting night..
So what do you got the weed prescription for?
yeah I dont know what death is, I would love to find out. I myself dont believe in “nothing” after death, but I guess whatever it is it cant be worse than life.
lol damn I would’ve been pissed If I lost three qrams!
I tried to starve myself once,the qood qirl talked me out of It:)
I am fucking pissed. Im a fucking dickhead for losing it. I still cant understand how.. I always check everything at least 5 times.. i’m not pissed about the money, i earn it back in like half an hour/an hour of work but its just I really needed it today..
Hmm.. its not that im trying to starve myself per se.. I just dont feel like eating.. nothing new haha, have had that for years.
dickhead lmao!
Your lucky!I wish I had a job so I can smoke everyday!Your stomach talks to you doesn’t It?I wish I could qo days without food and not phase me.
Hey Christina,
That is what the weed was prescribed for…to keep me eating and sleeping…I have no natural appetite left…and sleep is no longer an escape…so…lol…and a date? for sure…but best get swimming….when you get across the Atlantic..just make a quick jog around Nova Scotia and continue swimming up the St. Lawrence River…and you should be here about when? More than a few hours and I’m gonna start without you….no way to replace yours tonight?…but then it’s probably pretty late there eh? And the salt water will sting your cuts btw…so maybe better stick it out in the marijuana capital of the world…lol
Wish I could help
Amakua the enabler
@lifeishorrible, why dont you have a job? always job opportunities imo.. you just need to want to work I guess.. what do you mean my stomach talks to me? (maybe im stupid for not getting it, im sorry) and i cant go days without food haha, Ill pass out. Sometimes I even pass out after 4 hours of not eating.. I just know when to eat small bites so I wont pass out..
@ amakua,
yeahh but then I wonder though, I hear this from most weedsmokers and I have this myself.. when I smoke weed on a regular basis (meaning, smoking from the momeny I wake up instead of only evenings) very often at one point you just cant eat anymore? I have that now, so I know I have been smoking to much again.. when you just smoke occasionally you probably wont experience it.. or maybe the people I meet and I are just weird haha..
I use it to get to sleep too.. i cant sleep without.. so I know ill be up all night..
No I dont live in Amsterdam myself, I just study there, and where I live the shop closes at 10, and the dealers are not reliable and rarely come out after 10 too.. so Im just fucked.. Im more calm than I expected actually.. probably because of the cutting.. and I love it when my cuts sting haha
I don’t have a job cause I’m seventeen almost eiqhtteen (April!!!)and I have two biq tattoes near my knuckles and anither visible one but I want a job tho!lol you arn’t dumb!I mean like when you haven’t ate,doesn’t your stomach tell you to qet pizza!haha damn I could qo lonqer than four hours:p
Ps. were do you live?(I saw the Amsterdam thinq)
Hey Christina,
I wondered about that myself…but I have not had my usual source for quite some time now…so I’ve been making do…and I lost mucho weight over the last few weeks…so I robbed Peter to pay Paul…and got my fix…and have already put about half the weight back on….I dunno…and if I don’t smoke …I actually sleep more…but not good or restfully…makes it worse than no sleep. The real reason the weed was prescribed originally…was that I was supposed to have died 11 years ago…guess not eh?….so originally it was for eating, sleeping and pain….but physical pain I can deal with…the emotional …not so much…they need to grow a plant I can smoke to get rid of that…lmao
Gonna call it a night myself…starting a new scrip tonight…hopefully I can get rid of the need for weed eventually too…but until then….rolling rolling rolling…sorry
Namaste
Amakua
@lifeishorrible, Being 17 is not a reason to not have a job though haha, or is it in your country?, Ive been working since I was 15.. but yeah, even though Im a big tattoo fan myself, I still think its not smart to take big noticable tattoos, especially when youre so young still! you probably dont even know what you wanna be when you finish high school? What kind of tattoos do you got?
I want to get one too (at least 4 in total), but still deciding haha. Getting a new piercing this week though! yeey!
Mmm no my stomach only tells me to eat pizza or yummie food when I’m stoned, and like i mentioned the weed hasnt been doing that lately.. haha yeah, sometimes four hours.. sometimes a few days.. when I’m stoned constantly, I feel full enough and go days without food.. but when I’m sober , like I said sometimes after 4 hours I feel like passing out.. I fucked my body up. I live near Amsterdam (not gonna name the town on here though,) its about 30-40 minutes with the train. Where are you from?
@ amakua
Im sorry, its probably me not understanding everything properly, but sometimes I just dont understand half youre saying haha.. who are peter and paul..?
Why were you supposed to die 11 years ago? (I have a vague memory of reading something like that before, but I dont really remember)
Yeah exactly, the phsyical pain is not bad at all actually.. emotional pain sucks.. for me weed makes it a bit less.. a little bit.. and if you find that plant dont be greedy and give me some!
A new scrip? (again, its probably just me being stupid and not understanding..)
Ill be rolling again tomorrow, gonna visit my fav shop as soon as im done at school.. pff cant wait..
have a good night amakua,
Lol I see know what I wanna be when I qrow up!It’s embarrassinq but I know!I mean there not biq but there a little like the size of my fist.One of them Is dumb.I qot my area code lol.That’s really stopinq me from a job.The other Is my ex’s intials and not I don’t reqret qettinq It but still dumb huh?Alot of people think It’s a qanqs name.I find that VERY offensive!What piercinq are you qonna qet and tattoo?
When your stoned?If I’m stoned eatinq pizza trhen I’m qonna want two boxes to myself lol.Yeah weed Isen’t the same.It use to hit so qood when I was younq but It’s just like smokinq ciqqarate.Wait so are you tellinq me that I know a person near Amsterdam?That’s freakinq aaawwwsome!Ill tell you If I can email you so can I?