So i’ve been posting on here for a while. Â I hope no one is getting annoyed with me. Â I just write and write. Â But it gets my feelings out, and to people who understand.
My doctors appointment is tomorrow. Â And I promised myself and distant.road that I will tell the truth. Â Which scares me witless. Â Because the truth is I am questioning whether to be here and the truth is I am hurting myself throughout the day every day and the truth is if I had the means today I would probably end it.
And I know what she will say. Â And I know what I say will have no weight. Â And I know I don’t like what she is going to tell me.
And I’m scared of myself.
But I’m scared of letting her know
Letting her know I’ve begun to lose this fight
22 comments
This is a good place to write and write… Many people can relate to your situation and possibly understand how you’re feeling. We’re all dealing with challenges and obstacles. Hopefully, there will come a day in which we move forward… separately but as part of a group who conquered life’s challenges.
A large part of me thinks that you have so much to gain by telling the truth on Friday. You are struggling… and you are suffering. Honestly, that stinks. I wish you didn’t have to. By telling the truth on Friday and honestly explaining your thoughts and whats unfolding, you give people the opportunity to help you. If you overly censor or sugarcoat things, nothing gets done… The people working with you don’t have enough knowledge to make important decisions… and you short-change yourself… and, as a result, you prolong your suffering.
I know that school is important to you… I know that your mother’s pride is important to you. Who could argue or disagree with that? As I mentioned yesterday, there is something even more important… YOU. If you don’t take care of yourself, nothing else matters. If you don’t open the door for assistance, something far worse could happen. I’ve said a few times that it’s awesome for you to have a plan in life… college and a job picked out. Your plans in life shouldn’t include suffering unnecessarily. That’s just not right.
You haven’t lost any fights… You’ve done the best you can do with the resources you have… and you’ve come so far. Now it’s time to give people the opportunity to assist.
I’ll tell my doctor. I will. I’m just not so sure it’s the right thing. But I’ll try. I don’t know about anything really. I just know killing myself would hurt my mom and I can’t do that, but I can’t live this way much longer and I just want it all to end. I’ve been bleeding a lot and it is so addictive. And I feel like such a liar whenever i look in her proud eyes. She’s worried about me. She knows that I’m having a bad swing of it, but she has no idea the extent. I do care about school. If I stay alive, it is one of the most important things, aside from family, in my life. But if I killed myself at this point in my life there is nothing to be left unsettled. I haven’t accomplished anything where people depend upon me and I don’t have a will to settle. Everything would be so much easier…not better per say….but for the first time in my life really i would not be plagued by impulses. and that is bliss
I’m glad that you’ll tell your doctor. Although you’re not sure if it’s the right thing, I think it will prove to be a solid step in moving forward. Life shouldn’t involve suffering everyday and bleeding a lot. Yes… There are difficulties in life… Things happen. But you should also experience the rewards and benefits. If you gave up, more would be unsettled than you think. You would lose all potential for success, your mom and others would lose someone they love, and the world would never know how much more you could contribute. In a few years, I hope you’re experiencing bliss… in the form of a happy and blessed life.
You always give great advice. I always hope you will write. I really appreciate it. I know life shouldn’t include what I am going through but it does. And it has been going on for so long I just feel completely full of pain and empty of emotion at the same time. I can’t live this way much longer
I don’t know whether the recent upsurge in subscribers is the result of a governement plot or whether they are just name changers. Some of them seem like newbies.
Anyway, you will be ok just try and occupy your mind with something in the meantime. Seeking professional help is definitely the correct approach to dealing with this problem.
I don’t know what the law is in your part of the world but here in the UK they can’t just put you in a Nut House. Two doctors need to agree that you suffer from a mental health illness and that you pose a risk to the public. They would then need to obtain a court order.
woooowww it is definitely not like that here. you can be put in the hospital for simply not being able to stop hurting yourself. you don’t even have to be suicidal. you can be put there for really any reason you are a danger in some way to yourself. and i’m not saying it isn’t a good place for someone who needs it, but i am saying it’s the doctor’s default whenever the case starts inflicting harm to themselves
I’m sorry you’re going through this… and I wish the pain subsides soon. My hope is that tomorrow becomes a step in that happening. It will… Be honest. Be determined. Keep trying. You deserve to smile.
thank you distant.road. i hope so too. and i hope whatever you are going through gets better too.
It’s pretty much how sparkeyes described it, Duke. If there is a pressing need to protect someone from self-harm, the authorities can act. I think that each state has its own laws governing the criteria required… and how long the hospitalization can last… but I don’t think, for the most part, it involves a lot of time-consuming red tape.
thank you, sparkeyes. I hope and pray so.
That’s a breach of human rights.
Duke: As an example, Section 5150 in California (governing involuntary psychiatric holds), allows “a qualified officer, which includes any California peace officer or paramedic, as well as any specifically designated county clinician, can request the confinement after signing a written declaration.”
I would provide a link but I think this comment would get stuck in a moderation queue. A Google search for ‘involuntary psychiatric hold’ provides a wealth of links.
So there are no real safeguards to prevent an abuse of process.
Things are quite different there I see.. It’s pretty funny, here even if you want to get hospitalized you don’t get to. You try suicide and survive they only take you in as long as you are stable, then throw you out… I have enough experience about how they treat you if they see that you have self harm scars.. It’s like we are worse than criminals in their opinion.
It’s the bureaucracy of it all I don’t understand.
Here everything is funded by the NHS so no one pays for any medical treatment regardless of their affluence or the nature of the illness. UK has the most just legal system, best healthcare deliverance, welfare, education in the world. It’s a really great country I don’t know why people here aren’t patriotic.
I’m not suggesting that they keep you for an extended period of time… and, in many cases, it’s probably for a minimum amount of time until certain baselines are met. But the initial process of getting hospitalized doesn’t seem to involve a significant amount of hurdles. I think most areas want to err on the side of caution.
Unfortunately, the bureaucracy often develops when someone tries to get long-term assistance. Money is tight… government programs are under scrutiny… and the insurance companies, for those lucky enough to have insurance, don’t want to spend any more than they have to.
So, what on earth happens if you get I’ll and do not have insurance.
Regardless of how long you are kept in custody, I feel it is unlawful to deprive someone of their liberty even if it’s for an hour when they do not present a risk to the public.
Personally, Duke, I don’t have a problem when someone in a moment of crisis is given emergency assistance. I understand your point about civil liberties… but we’re talking about stays that are probably short in nature… long enough to make sure that the immediate crisis has passed.
If someone privately chooses to make a decision, they should be able to make that decision. Period.
If, however, somebody makes a decision to terminate their life AND COMMUNICATES THAT DECISION ahead of time, I see nothing wrong with an intervention. The key difference, in my eyes, is how private the decision is. I can’t expect for people who become aware that I might harm myself to do nothing about it. Trust me…. There are enough lawyers in America. If someone’s civil liberties are wrongly deprived, something will get done about it.
wow that’s a lot of posts on hospitalization. i just got back from my anthropology test. anyway. I have been in the hospital 5 times. I think it is a very important place to exist. 3 of the 5 times I asked to be admitted. After a while you know what to expect though. There is not so much to gain after five times of going through the motions. It becomes a pattern and you never learn to stand on your feet. I probably am going to be admitted tomorrow, but I don’t want it. If she sees my cuts, I doubt I have a choice. That is something I do not like. I think that you should know yourself well enough to know if it is needed or not. At the same time, if I heard a friend say they were probably going to kill themselves I would put them there too. So I am all twisted up in knots.
@ Duke; I haven’t had a comprehensive medical exam since 1986.
I’ve got a friend who’s racked up over $100k in medical costs and can’t pay them. He’s hounded weekly by bill collectors and his credit is shot.
I have another friend who passed away 2 years ago. His parents still continue to get harrassing letters in the mail from his ex-creditors.
It’s best not to get seriously ill. The alternative is buying health insurance (which is ridiculously cost prohibitive for some people).
@sparkeyes – I don’t know if I am too late here. But I really wonder… if you are more scared of the psychological impact of telling the truth? In a way, when we externalise our problems to other people, they somehow become more… real. It’s easier to avoid our problems if we keep them safely locked away in our heads, and just palm them off as ‘figments of imagination’. I think that your self harm is actually your subscious expressing a desire to speak our and externalise your problems, so go with that instinct. If there are consequences of telling the truth… well I guess thats just the first step to addressing your problems (dealing with consequences)
@duke – I agree the UK has a good system in place, the Australian system is modelled on that and for that I am grateful.. but… it’s hard to be patriotic when your head of state is the queen.