Hi I have been here a few times and always come back to see how people are doing and add a rant from time to time. It reminds me I am not the only one and I feel for every one here.
I constantly study how I can off my self and what holds me back. To date it has been an ever shrinking group of friends that I felt I needed or was needed by.
So the truth shall set you free. The truth will also drive your friends and family away from you. The exodus of my friends is now complete.
The truth is I am Gay(I would say Bi really). When you are bought up in a homophobic family environment and have homophobic friends a underlying low self worth and self loathing develops. Then the depression becomes unbearable. The doctors prescribe medication which takes the edge off. Then when you attempt to come out to the one friend you trust (who too is gay might I add ) and means the world to you, the wheels fall right off. He does not talk to me any more. My family who I have not come out to are strict God fearing Christians and often vocalize their disgust of homosexuals. And this I interpret as their disgust of me.
So. No sense of self worth. No purpose. I can’t get past my inhibitions. I have lost interest in everything . If I don’t take tablets I spend half the day crying. Cant sleep. Feel tired. Feel restless. Constantly thinking of killing myself. No one to talk to that I trust or think would understand.
So conflicted and over it I post it here. Probably wont kill myself today but It is inevitable. It will happen. As there is nothing left and no one left then what is the point. Live with the pain?  I don’t think so. I have lived with for it too long.
5 comments
Everyone has their own demons that drive them. Yours are significant to say the least.
I can only tell you how I would handle it and hope that you can extract something of use from it.
Everyone has the right to be happy, regardless of how they find it. Of course you love your family. If ther rigidity towards a person’s sexual orientation would preclude their acceptance of their own child’s happiness, then maybe it is time for you to weigh which is more important.
Of course you love your family, but you must love yourself as well. If your family’s narrow-mindedness forces you to take a side, I believe you must take your own side and seek the place that makes you happy.
I believe you should give them the opportunity to know who you really are and what you need to be happy. They may surprise you. If they cannot provide that, then they leave with no choice than to do what you need to do to be happy.
Don’t let ANYone, including your own family, make you feel ashamed for what you need in life. Go for it. You will find new friends.
The real answer is what you undoubtedly already know. Be true to yourself and everything else will work out.
Good luck to you.
JS1
find new friends. there are groups out there that you can go to without your family finding out, that are made up of homosexuals and bisexuals and such. often they are free and you don’t have to go all the time too. I know that my school does it and we meet everycouple of weeks
Hi thanks for your thoughts and advice. I am in a better place today. However I cant love myself due to the well intentioned but destructive brainwashing from my parents during my childhood. It is hard to accept ones self when you are who you are programmed as a child to be prejudice and disgusted of. It is hard to believe I carry this on into adult hood and am still emotionally incapable of dealing with it and becoming less able to. … I know my problems pale in comparison to so many of you. So many real stories here. I wish every one and my self to find our peace.
Lighter then Air
I bet it isn’t easy indeed, but I give props to you for trying. And I wish you continue to strive for some happiness. I think JustSome and emotionless bring up some good points. You deserve to be happy, and I don’t think you should put yourself down because of your family. I’m not saying it will be in a walk in the park or smooth, but I think it is unnecessarily destructive for you to beat yourself like this for your family. I know that was the environment you grew up in, but don’t let their poor views of sexual orientation bring you down. I would hope they accept you, if not to hell with ’em. You are a part of the family, if sexual orientation can suddenly disown you, well I think that is the wrong sort of environment. Even if you find it the wrong choice to tell them( if they were to kick you out of the house or something ) I hope you are able to at least ignore their “teachings” and feelings that it is wrong. Family is family, but they should not be allowed to put you down like this…
As for friends, I don’t know what else to tell you besides look for some clubs or groups to find some friend(s) that will accept you and support you – that’s what friends are for, not to be judged by.
Also don’t put your problems and your feelings down, you’re important here too.
I’m sorry if my advice( if you want to call it that ) was unhelpful, but I do wish in the end you can achieve some acceptance, understanding, and happiness without suicide.
G’luck and know YOU are not in the wrong or disgusting or anything – they just simply have poor understanding abilities, so don’t mind them THEY are wrong to put you in this situation.
So they come to visit cause I have spent the last few weeks talking to no one and have fully isolated myself from every one. – So you no what the first conversation had to be about aye. Yep how bad gay marriage is and the imorality bllah blah
anyway just had to vent it