I’m very ready to leave; it’s a conscious decision. I’m not sad about broken dreams or failures or lost loves; simply bored and tired and nihilistic and misanthropic. I was watching Wrath of the Titans last night and when Hades started whining about how humans get to go on to the afterlife but it’s just non-existence for gods. Fuck, that’s what I crave, absolute nothing. It brought a smile to my face, thinking of void in that brief instant.
I could do it today, but the only thing holding me back is my brother. As I said, I have no good reason to leave; I don’t count my dissatisfaction with existence (for some reason). If I leave, there will be no one around to protect him from this stupid world. There’s so much nonsense about and it’s so easy to get wrapped up in it; I feel like he needs my eyes and mind to navigate. At least until the point that he’s grown enough to navigate on his own. I leave, and who knows what happens to him. He’s all I care about, though I often wish he didn’t exist. Then I could leave with a clear conscience. Leaving him though would feel like if I’d gone back in time to help myself, but decided midway to quit because I was bored. I’m not here for me, I’m here for the mission, and he’s the mission. The only thoughts that pull at my humanity are thoughts of him; everything else, I’d like to see on fire. I want him to rule and enslave the Earth after I’m gone but I’ll settle for him living happily ever after.
It seems like he wants to live, and I can give him that opportunity. I just need to set up my life in such a way that I maximize what I can do for him and minimize my awareness of reality.
I could kill myself.. the guilt would only last as long as my brain flickers. After that, it won’t matter. It’s like pulling off a band-aid, easy; but I can’t abandon the kid just yet. I DO feel like I’m helping an alternate version of myself, like I’ve gone back in time to make sure he becomes president or something… and I just forgot because time travels a ***** on the cerebral cortex.. or something..
maximize what I do for him, minimize my exposure to the outside.