tphg

I got frustrated watching the Sopranos last night because the characters were acting stupid. My anger at these fictional people once again reminded me of how empty my life is. I recently came to the realization that I don’t actually have any friends. My co-workers only care about what I have to say if it’s entertaining and won’t hang out with me after hours. The friends that I do see in my spare time only ever want to do stuff once every 3 or 4 months. The guy that I considered my best friend is little more than an acquaintance. I’ve told him so much about me, about my depression and failed relationships and fears, and I thought he cared because he always responds to my e-mails, but again, it usually takes him a few months. Texting is the same thing.

Anyone I text, it takes them weeks to get back to me, if they ever do. Ugh, listen to me complaining. I wanted to be alone and now here I am. I kept failing at relationships and friendships and letting down my family; I wished to be alone and away from them all and now I am. I’m perfectly alone. I could kill myself today and no one would notice for at least a week. I’m not in regular enough contact with my family for them to wonder where I am. Most likely it’ll be because I haven’t shown up to work that people start to question my whereabouts. This is what I wanted, I guess.

I turned off the Sopranos last night for the last time. Never gonna watch another TV show or movie again. It’s all nonsense that reminds me why I don’t want to be around people anymore. I spent the rest of the night listening to this one rap song on repeat and imagining myself jumping off a bridge that’s around the corner from my house. The only thing stopping me is the fear of pain and of surviving the fall. I used to worry about how my brother would feel, but now he only cares about his cell phone and the people on the other end of it. My 15 year old brother has been keeping me sane these last 5 or 6 years. He lives with our neglectful mother so going over there everyday after work to help him with whatever he needs gave me a sense of purpose. But now it feels like he’s just using me. We used to study all the time and exercise and he was making great strides, but now he only ever does anything productive when I’m around. I ask him to write something or read something as a little assignment and he doesn’t do it. Always some excuse. He would have failed all of his grade 9 classes if I weren’t constantly pushing him. Even that wasn’t enough; I had to bribe him with a Playstation 4 just so he would focus on getting all of his credits. The Ps4 was the only thing that he ever thanked me for without me having to remind him to do so.

He doesn’t need me anymore. Nobody needs me. I was researching volunteering in my area but I lost interest. Helping the homeless seems like a waste of time. Most of them choose to live on the streets, and the ones that don’t are hustling for work and trying to get their lives on track, not in the soup kitchens looking for handouts. Working with old/dying people sounded good but I don’t do well around people in pain. I’d just feel helpless watching them, knowing how shitty they felt and not being able to do anything about it. I usually smoke a joint and forget about when I’m hurting but I’m not the type of smoker who would ever offer it to a non-smoker as an alternative. I just think it’s rude, offering illicit drugs. Anyway, the bridge..

I want to jump, I feel justified in jumping, but I’m so afraid. My fear is what keeps me from living, interacting with others, and my fear keeps me from killing myself, freeing my mind from having to endure reality for another day. Looking at the walls and ceiling of my apartment, all I could see were cold, steel bars. I’m trapped here for the foreseeable future until I get over my fears. Too afraid to go left or right, so I stay in neutral. fuck fuck fuck, I’m so depressed. I’m keeping my life in a catatonic state but I can’t take it anymore. Something has to give. I need to move. I need to do something.