I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I really don’t want to be living.
I have to buy new shoes and I was sitting, thinking about it, mentally preparing to go “home” for the night from work, and my soul sank into itself. Buy shoes? ugh, I don’t even want to be living anymore. I don`t want to bother with any of this crap.
Maybe I should go on vacation. If someone offered me a place to stay for a month, free of any worries… I dunno.. I feel like, eventually, I`d just end up depressed again. I don`t want my life or any life. I don`t like being a human being. I hate this fucking body. Describing how I feel, it`s gotten tiring. I don`t really feel anything at an even level, always too much or too little. Ach! who cares? I don’t.
I have to wake up every day and keep myself fed and entertained and busy and it’s just a fucking bother. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! Just going around and around, letting the cast of characters I know leech what they will from me. I’m so tired of all this, but to kill myself is more proactive then I could ever be in life.
Grab life by the balls? But I don’t want it. I don’t want the good or the bad. fuck, leave me alone.
I’m unhappy, I’m so unhappy. If someone loved me, really loved me, would that fix it? No.. If someone I already care for professed their love for me, would that fix it?
fuck
yes it would.
I just don’t see a point to existing if love isn’t an option. For me to love, I have to change, or wait longer, or try harder, or or or .. I’ve just got to work at it. “All you need is Love, Huggins.”
WHy isn’t life enjoyable without validation by another human? I need help :'(
4 comments
You sound pretty normal to me. Some of us just have that personality type where without love or a relationship, life just starts to feel really flat and pointless. I know I’ve always felt that way. School and work and people and TV and food, it’s all boring and pointless, until you feel that magic of being in love with someone and at least having someone by your side as we walk through this pointless life. I really loved someone and I got dumped about 5 months ago so I feel like I’ve been forced back into this dull, depressing version of the world against my will.
I think it’s normal to want to meet someone special to make all this BS more worth while. Why wake up and go to work and come home just to do it all alone? It sucks. But you won’t meet anyone if you give up. Maybe it’s going to be one of those pointless days when you just go to work, or go out to buy some shoes, that you’ll end up meeting somebody new. If we let the depression win and sit at home, we aren’t going to meet anyone.
you’ve inspired me 🙂 you’re absolutely right. thanks a lot for your words; I really like how you worded that. I won’t meet anyone if I give up, you’re right. It’s only logical; to find someone, I just have to keep turning over stones until I find someone suitable. I dunno what I’m belly aching about; I think it’s cause I haven’t eaten much today. Thanks for snapping me out of it.
BTW, I constantly have that feeling you described, like I’ve been tossed out of heaven. It’s not so much to do with love and relationships, just a general feeling I have about life. It’s as if I’ve known complete serenity, but now that’s over, and I have to live.
You will know serenity again.
In the perfect stillness of the present moment,
There, love will be revealed as it should be,
A stand alone force of undiminished light separate from the need for other people.
Love exists by itself within you.
And from that realization will come your power to attract others.
Others who will wish to have what you have.
Then you will know that simply being,
Not a human being, but simply being,
Accepting your life in the present moment,
is the path to the peace you seek.
I feel the exact same way. I just don’t give a fuck about anything. It seems so ridiculous to have to work so hard for something that doesn’t last or isn’t sure.