Suicide note

Hi guys…

I’m really struggling right now with a lot of stuff… according to my psychiatrist I’m “clinically depressed,” but I’m on meds and they aren’t helping. I hate myself more than anything else in the entire world. I self-harm (that’s what it’s called, right?)–cut my ankles so no one can see. I have wonderful family and friends who all care about me very much and who would be destroyed if I died, but I just can’t see any other option right now. Every minute of my waking life consists of making plans to kill myself… I just completed my suicide note (it’s a poem… am I weird?), and I have everything I need to do it (though I understand I’m not supposed to post anything about methods, so I’ll leave that bit out). I’m a sophomore in high school, good grades and shit… but I can’t imagine going on. I know if I tell my therapist that I have a plan (and the things I need to carry it out), she’ll stick me in a mental hospital–she told me she would. So I’m going for it. Any comments on the note?

 

Never again, a tennis match

Played on green-hot concrete, screaming “Score!” and

“Love.”

 

Never again, sitting with our shoulders touching,

Quivering pixels reflected in our pupils, TV humor

We remember days/weeks/years

Later

 

(And I still can’t seem to find

A simple way to say goodbye)

 

Never again, a warm bath and a good book or

Screaming lyrics with dish soap and shirking hugs,

The satisfaction of sponging the island

 

Never again, study parties with Frootloop dust underneath our nails,

Yells to “pipe down”—soft cushions and distraction

The way the letter “A” looks written with a soft ball-point pen

 

Never again, soft mouse-clicks in the darkness

Tumbrl or Facebook or Wikipedia when the house is asleep

Because it’s calming to know someone somewhere is still alive

(And I still can’t seem to find

A simple way to say goodbye)

 

Never again, Leonard de Caprio marathons

Sleeping bags lined five to a row

Midnight snacks that I always missed

 

Never again, five black rolling suitcases

No talking when the passports come out and

Stuffy, smelly taxis with Dad in the front seat

 

(And I still can’t seem to find

A simple way to say goodbye)

 

Never again, the bright and alert feeling after emerging from the movie theatre

Or a perfectly crafted thesis coming at the weirdest of moments

No more five-page outlines, no highlighting or boxing or underlining

 

Never again, driving with the Augustana CD looping through, again and again

Five over the speed limit – sorry, Dad.

And speed bumps, accelerating, California-Rolling-Stops…

 

I’ll miss that.

 

(And I still can’t seem to find

A simple way to say goodbye).

 

See, it’s coming (sweet death)

This

Soothing rest, leading me

Homeward.