I wish that you could see the things i want to do
I wish that you could hear the things i want to say
Depression they call it
Piercing past the heart, into the soul
Turning your mind, body and spirit black
For people who cut,
You are not a stereotype
We all belong together
Hurting
Numbing
Dulling
Until everything and everyone is gone
The pain i feel, i honestly can’t describe.
Pain beyond belief in my heart
I like to know there are more out there like me… Ones that have had their souls shattered by false hope and broken dreams. I have absolutely no room to complain here… And feel selfish for doing so. But I want to get out of this world more than anything. I don’t want to have to think about Kelby every fucking second of my existence.
Kelby, you are the absolute best and worst thing that has ever come into my life. You gave me hope from the person I was becoming. A whore. A slut. A *****. This girl that didn’t value herself and needed to be lifted up by dicks who didn’t give a shit about my feelings.. You showed me what love was Kelb. Love isn’t something you have to earn. Love is something that is completely sincere and sacred. You are still my whole world, love… You dug deep inside of me and pulled out the real girl that I am.. You were perfect. In every way possible. Caring, loving, sincere, bold, the cutest boy i’d ever seen, strong, understanding… God, just thinking about that July makes me stop and just go into pure elation… I love you more than you could ever understand..
Of course… nothing good can ever stay in my fucking life.. You lived two hours away from me, and your ex-girlfriend wouldn’t give up on you… Like the way i won’t ever give up on you now… You gave in… Now Paige is your love and only love.. I was pushed aside like a piece of meat and let me tell you, you could not have hurt me more. To know I’m not wanted by you anymore… That is the very main reason I want to just do it.. Kill myself. Too bad i’m not even fucking strong enough to do that…. God i want to die… Kelb, those were, no doubt in my mind, the best few months of my life. Paige fucked everything up with you and i and caused us to fight and argue and spread apart.. Before she was your girlfriend, you told me, “We will be together, i promise” “I am just getting her out of the way”. I trusted you with my life… How could i believe such fucking promises Kelb? Why did you put that sense of false hope into my naive heart?… I wish we were still as close as we used to be. I could count on you. I told you every single detail about my life. Look where i am now. Telling people on the internet my story because you intimidate me. I told you i was going to kill myself once, remember? You said people that say they are going to kill themselves just want attention. You said you hate people like that. Do you remember the time you were going to do it, Kelb? You were really going to kill yourself. I made you call me. We were on the phone for hours that night and i begged and begged and begged you not to do it. You said “it didn’t matter, no one cares”.
“I care! Doesn’t that mean anything to you?!”
You said it didn’t matter. Nothing did. It was like 1 in the morning and i was hysterical off my ass. My eyes were gushing tears nonstop. I was full out bawling to you not to do it. Guess what Kelb? You didn’t… I didn’t judge you, did i? I didn’t say you were weak, or that you just wanted attention… Because i knew you didn’t. I knew how you felt. Kelb… Now we are both different. We stopped talking for a month and a half and things for me went so downhill it’s not even funny. Don’t get me wrong. You have a much much much worse life than i do, and have been through more than i could ever imagine, just not what i’ve gone through.. I turned to anyone who said they cared about me. Players.. Older guys… Anyone. I just wanted that love again. I have looked high and far for any guy that even compares to you. And guess what? It’s made everything worse. Now i am that person. A *****, a slut, a whore. I am a worthless piece of meat. I am a fuckup. I am worthless and should not be on this earth. I am so numb, i can’t even cry anymore, love.. I used to bawl for you every night. Every fucking night. You have NO idea Kelb. If you could just step into my shoes and feel what i feel… All i want is Kelby.. But i know i will never get him back. He is moving farther away than he lives now, and he can’t handle long-distance. If only, if only, if only. If only i wasn’t with Brett the night we started talking. If only i would have broken up with him that night. If only Paige could have moved on with her boyfriend and forgot you. If only the times you say we would have weren’t all lies. You lied to me Kelb… I’m sure as hell paying for my mistakes and you mistakes now. You are happy and i am in pure misery. I know you have a hard time listening to my pain. That’s why i can’t tell you everything. I don’t want to hurt you Kelb. I just want to go. I just want to leave earth and go live with Rigel and Rory and Dave and my grandma.. That would be my pure elation.. To meet Jesus.. To be able to be held and loved sincerely.. How would i kill myself? I have researched it.. So so so many times. No one knows.. Not even Car… I am alone in this hell and I JUST WANT TO LEAVE… I need the strength to pull the trigger, or jump in front of the next oncoming car… Something lethal.. Something that won’t hurt, but will take me out of here quickly. I wish i could ask Rigel what it’s like up there. I wish i could talk to him and ask him.. Rigel shouldn’t have died… He was only 24… So fucking young… He didn’t want to go. He didn’t ask to go. But they crashed into that goddamn tree and he left, but she didn’t… His seatbelt snapped and my big brother was dead within minutes… I don’t know if i have depression. I don’t need to be labeled. I know how i feel and it is not nice, good, happy, joyful… I honestly have not a reason to live. I don’t want to talk to people about it. No one understands like Kelby. And I can’t hurt him… I just can’t…
Like in my last post; my poem says: “This is not a request, but a sincere begging plea…. Take me away”
I have become nothing. My grades dropped, my self esteem dropped, my happiness dropped, my self worth dropped… I know no one is going to read this whole thing, and i’m okay with it.. I just need some way to vent about my feelings.. I am so miserable… So worthless.. Just a waste of air.. A waste of food.. A waste of money.. I didn’t even get my mom anything for mother’s day or her birthday.. I can’t take this anymore. I really really can’t…
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4 comments
I read the whole thing…I only read long posts, short posts are worthless and cannot truly tap into the blackness that envelopes our lives.
I just want to tell you that you are not a whore or a slut, even if you might happen to be sexually promiscuous and I am not saying that you are. You see I am a hopeless junkie loser bastard, but I’m not a drug addict junkie loser. Why? Fuck anyone who labels us for engaging in activities that give us a glimmer of joy in this unending pain that is life. People always tell me that I should just do what makes me happy, well I found it, but it is taboo and forbidden; much like the social acceptance of a woman who enjoys and repeatedly engages in sex. If sex makes you feel closer to people, happier, loved, and valued, then what’s wrong with it? You should just be wary because there are a lot of men who will use you for your body and not your heart. Worse, engaging in this behavior constantly will mostly likely only temporarily bring these positive feelings. You need to find a person like Kelb who makes you feel all of those things even without having sex.
Again I want to stress that I am not saying you are promiscuous, you just repeated that many times in your post and I can tell it’s something that you truly believe and pains you.
I’m responding is the last part of your post about the labels. I wake up every day and look at the mirror and instead of a face I see these words “FALIURE POOR JUNKIE UNATRACTIVE UNLOVEABLE NUMB DEAD LOSER WHO WILL NEVER CHANGE OR IMPROVE.” I see you feel the same way, quoting, “whore,” “slut,” “worthless,” “waste.” These labels are killing us, creating a never ending downward spiral of depression and apathy. The world and society puts these labels on us, or do we? Or does society merely suggest these labels and then grind them into our social fabric until we accept them as truth about ourselves? Are you a whore because they say so? Am I a junkie because society labels me so? Or are we junkie whores because we say so?
I want you to think about that, I did for the last hour before I made this response and I think I might feel a little better about myself. Then again I might be just another useless asshole running my mouth about shit that doesn’t make you feel any less dead…
I read this whole thing. I cant say i know how your feeling coz then id be full of shit but i know how it feels to be betrayed by someone. to be misunderstood. to want it all to end. hell, i even know the unexplainable want to be loved. to just be loved for once. for someone to hold YOUR hand. to tell you its all going to be okay. you know what, i cant offer you any guidance or explanation or hope. but i do sincerely hope that you will hold on. things have to get better. thats what im holding onto. i have faith in you and i care about what happens to you. i dont even know you but i hope that still it means something.
It means so much to me that you read this.. I honestly didn’t think anyone would want to take that much time… To the first response… I don’t have sex. I still have that piece of me intact. I am a virgin… But I hate what other things i do. I hate that guys know they can use me. I HATE being played. I am leaning away from guys now… I chase all of them away because they don’t want to deal with the extra baggage i come with. You come up with a really interesting point… I look at myself as a whore… Kelby would always tell me i wasn’t.. But i couldn’t believe him. I guess you are what YOU make yourself… Thank you so much for taking the time <3
To Jojo: Honestly… I feel so goddamn down with knowing that Kelby isn't mine. To know that he never ever ever ever will be.. That is what rips me apart and brings this urge to die. I have changed so so much from the first time i ever talked to him that now i am not myself. Or even close to myself. I am a dark black empty hole of a person. When i get a glimpse of hope it immediately goes away… There was this guy, i thought he'd be my breakthrough.. I really did. But he abused that hope and left me with nothing. Thank you for reading about my bullshit….
hi iv read the whole thing
i found it very interesting, and reminded me of the thoughts i used to have growing up
all i can say to u is, that remeber how kelby felt sooo down that he wnated to end it all? do u think he still feels that way? im guessing no
u got to see how beautiful he was and YOU helped him get thru his hard times, i think u were there to save him, so when u say your worthless, that couldnt be further from the truth
i think, just as u helped him survive, why not let him be the reason that u survive?
if u carry yourself in a positive way and start enjoying life, poeple will become attracted to u and then u leave the door open to meet the one for u
like u said, no one will want to deal with all the baggage u come with, so why not try to leave it all behind, let the past be the past and start acting happier, meet some new people and eventually u will be happier. fake it til u make it