I wish that you could see the things i want to do
I wish that you could hear the things i want to say
Depression they call it
Piercing past the heart, into the soul
Turning your mind, body and spirit black
For people who cut,
You are not a stereotype
We all belong together
Until everything and everyone is gone
The pain i feel, i honestly can’t describe.
Pain beyond belief in my heart
I like to know there are more out there like me… Ones that have had their souls shattered by false hope and broken dreams. I have absolutely no room to complain here… And feel selfish for doing so. But I want to get out of this world more than anything. I don’t want to have to think about Kelby every fucking second of my existence.
Kelby, you are the absolute best and worst thing that has ever come into my life. You gave me hope from the person I was becoming. A whore. A slut. A *****. This girl that didn’t value herself and needed to be lifted up by dicks who didn’t give a shit about my feelings.. You showed me what love was Kelb. Love isn’t something you have to earn. Love is something that is completely sincere and sacred. You are still my whole world, love… You dug deep inside of me and pulled out the real girl that I am.. You were perfect. In every way possible. Caring, loving, sincere, bold, the cutest boy i’d ever seen, strong, understanding… God, just thinking about that July makes me stop and just go into pure elation… I love you more than you could ever understand..
Of course… nothing good can ever stay in my fucking life.. You lived two hours away from me, and your ex-girlfriend wouldn’t give up on you… Like the way i won’t ever give up on you now… You gave in… Now Paige is your love and only love.. I was pushed aside like a piece of meat and let me tell you, you could not have hurt me more. To know I’m not wanted by you anymore… That is the very main reason I want to just do it.. Kill myself. Too bad i’m not even fucking strong enough to do that…. God i want to die… Kelb, those were, no doubt in my mind, the best few months of my life. Paige fucked everything up with you and i and caused us to fight and argue and spread apart.. Before she was your girlfriend, you told me, “We will be together, i promise” “I am just getting her out of the way”. I trusted you with my life… How could i believe such fucking promises Kelb? Why did you put that sense of false hope into my naive heart?… I wish we were still as close as we used to be. I could count on you. I told you every single detail about my life. Look where i am now. Telling people on the internet my story because you intimidate me. I told you i was going to kill myself once, remember? You said people that say they are going to kill themselves just want attention. You said you hate people like that. Do you remember the time you were going to do it, Kelb? You were really going to kill yourself. I made you call me. We were on the phone for hours that night and i begged and begged and begged you not to do it. You said “it didn’t matter, no one cares”.
“I care! Doesn’t that mean anything to you?!”
You said it didn’t matter. Nothing did. It was like 1 in the morning and i was hysterical off my ass. My eyes were gushing tears nonstop. I was full out bawling to you not to do it. Guess what Kelb? You didn’t… I didn’t judge you, did i? I didn’t say you were weak, or that you just wanted attention… Because i knew you didn’t. I knew how you felt. Kelb… Now we are both different. We stopped talking for a month and a half and things for me went so downhill it’s not even funny. Don’t get me wrong. You have a much much much worse life than i do, and have been through more than i could ever imagine, just not what i’ve gone through.. I turned to anyone who said they cared about me. Players.. Older guys… Anyone. I just wanted that love again. I have looked high and far for any guy that even compares to you. And guess what? It’s made everything worse. Now i am that person. A *****, a slut, a whore. I am a worthless piece of meat. I am a fuckup. I am worthless and should not be on this earth. I am so numb, i can’t even cry anymore, love.. I used to bawl for you every night. Every fucking night. You have NO idea Kelb. If you could just step into my shoes and feel what i feel… All i want is Kelby.. But i know i will never get him back. He is moving farther away than he lives now, and he can’t handle long-distance. If only, if only, if only. If only i wasn’t with Brett the night we started talking. If only i would have broken up with him that night. If only Paige could have moved on with her boyfriend and forgot you. If only the times you say we would have weren’t all lies. You lied to me Kelb… I’m sure as hell paying for my mistakes and you mistakes now. You are happy and i am in pure misery. I know you have a hard time listening to my pain. That’s why i can’t tell you everything. I don’t want to hurt you Kelb. I just want to go. I just want to leave earth and go live with Rigel and Rory and Dave and my grandma.. That would be my pure elation.. To meet Jesus.. To be able to be held and loved sincerely.. How would i kill myself? I have researched it.. So so so many times. No one knows.. Not even Car… I am alone in this hell and I JUST WANT TO LEAVE… I need the strength to pull the trigger, or jump in front of the next oncoming car… Something lethal.. Something that won’t hurt, but will take me out of here quickly. I wish i could ask Rigel what it’s like up there. I wish i could talk to him and ask him.. Rigel shouldn’t have died… He was only 24… So fucking young… He didn’t want to go. He didn’t ask to go. But they crashed into that goddamn tree and he left, but she didn’t… His seatbelt snapped and my big brother was dead within minutes… I don’t know if i have depression. I don’t need to be labeled. I know how i feel and it is not nice, good, happy, joyful… I honestly have not a reason to live. I don’t want to talk to people about it. No one understands like Kelby. And I can’t hurt him… I just can’t…
Like in my last post; my poem says: “This is not a request, but a sincere begging plea…. Take me away”
I have become nothing. My grades dropped, my self esteem dropped, my happiness dropped, my self worth dropped… I know no one is going to read this whole thing, and i’m okay with it.. I just need some way to vent about my feelings.. I am so miserable… So worthless.. Just a waste of air.. A waste of food.. A waste of money.. I didn’t even get my mom anything for mother’s day or her birthday.. I can’t take this anymore. I really really can’t…
This is Not a Request, But a Sincere Begging Plea
I wish that you could see the things i want to do