Just the other day i woke up in the middle of the night, I had a nightmare. I just stopped seeing my girlfriend and she has allready moved on. That hurts me, sure it does. But i dreamt that i walked into her house, she was sitting with her new guy and, i pulled out at gun and blew my own head of. I woke up, terrified of what i had dreamt, and i couldn’t let the thought go. Everytime i am doing anything, i am thinking about how it would be, if i got up and killed myself, right now. And often my life just seems so straight, and so regular, and boring. Nothing great or awesome really happens, and looking at my future there aren’t any things to happen. These thoughts scare me, what is happening? Am i suicidal? I can’t even follow my own thoughts some times, what is really going on?
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Sounds very much like my life many years ago. I feel it’s, though unfortunate, a very natural state of mind to slip into with the end of a significant relationship. It’s like getting smacked in the head. Everything gets out of focus and we suddenly feel to be in a different world. Very uncomfortable. Please don’t believe that this is permanent in one form or another. It’s an unfortunate process.
As far as a boring life goes, mine was pretty mundane until I was 33. Long story there, but just one door opening led to so many more opening and a creative life that I never thought possible. Please focus on creating something beautiful. Just open one small door and continue, with eyes and heart open, to advance through the endless amount of opportunities that come from the effort to open the first door.
We, as humans, need to experience the ugly feelings in order to learn where we need to go. For one, if we do not experience sadness, we could never relate to others suffering and assist them to stand tall. Maybe this experience can be the kick in the behind you need to pour more of your energy into the world.
Right now, this very moment, the woman who will be you’re best love, is doing something somewhere. Please move forward and find her. Turn this poison into medicine.
I’m sure that what you’re saying is true, and I’m sure it seems easy, looking back on your state of mind at the time. What I’m thinking just seems so heavy and permanent, i’m not saying yours didn’t. But i have a hard time being creative and making things work. Some part of me believes that this situation and point of view is permanent, and some part of me believes you. The point is that i want it to stop right now, and sometimes i wonder if the easiest way of doing that is leaving this place.
Hello JustThoughts. Much of what I believe I know, in reality may not be true. But one thing that has held to be true throughout my life, is that nothing of absolute significance is easy. At least not the whole thing. And often I will look at, and feel, the whole mess in one piece. The problems, how far away the solution seems to be, everything. So I just become overwhelmed and do nothing. Nothing but sink deeper into hell. Then I know that this hell will not end. There is no way it’s not permanent. I am dead inside.
But I am living proof that it isn’t permanent. Please do not believe that it is. Hell is easy to believe. Sooo very easy. And that is why we can convince ourselves so easily that it is permanent. But I do believe knowing hell is the only way to know, understand. appreciate and manifest the beauty of the world.
No, it isn’t easy. But as we take small steps, each step becomes like money in the bank. Building blocks. And like the lotus flower that grows in the dirty murky waters, moving upwards through these waters to bloom and seed simultaneously, our life conditions will begin to rise. Our vision will become clearer and we will begin to see above the murky hell we have been in. We will be able to see and experience the the treasures we thought unattainable. And because of the hell we’ve experienced, we will recognize treasures we couldn’t have seen otherwise. Just like being born rich, how could you ever appreciate and feel the joy of having a hundred dollars to spend?
I have a very beautiful short speech I would like to send to you. I just need to find it. I’ll try to find it tomorrow (Sunday) and send it to you. In the mean time, please don’t be reluctant to imagine where you would like to be. What you would love to do. It happens. Picture yourself there.
Peace & Love
Thank you so much, I’m trying to understand your way of seeing it. Even though it is hard, it still inspires me to understand that there is a future. Your word haven’t made the pain or anything easier, but in a way your point makes it brighter, i would love to believe you. And I’ll keep trying to understand what you are saying, and hopefully i’ll succed, for once, and adopt your thoughts into mine. I would like to read that speach tomorrow, and i hope you will find it and send it to me. Thank you.
Found it! Sorry about the delay.
This is something that I had had in a frame in my front room for years so that I could remind myself of it I really believe it and have experienced it. But I recently moved and much had remained in boxes, thus the delay.
THE RAINBOW OF YOUR LIFE (Just what I call this.)
“You will pass through storms and heavy rains and at times may suffer what seems like defeat. The essence of the creative life, however, in not to give up in the face of defeat but to follow the rainbow that exists in your heart.
Creativeness means to push open the heavy groaning doorway to life. This is not an easy struggle. Opening the door to your own life is, in the end, more difficult than opening the door to the mysteries of the universe. At the same time, it makes life worth living for you. To be human is not merely to stand erect and manifest knowledge. The fight to create a new life is a truly wonderful thing. In it you find for the first time a wisdom that causes your intelligence to shine. I myself think of this creative life as a human revolution. This human revolution is your mission now as it will be throughout your lives.”
I know a speech that had a quick fix for your life would sound much better. But, in a sense it is. I believe victory, beauty, love, is a process. As we make positive steps, big or small, the victories of life and all that entails, have become a part of our life. Solutions are beginning to be created in our life even though we initially may not see them. May not even come close to seeing them. But they have become a part of our life as we make efforts, big or small. I firmly believe this.
Some days my effort may just start as getting my butt out of bed, then cleaning up something in the house, taking a shower, whatever. Strangely enough, this can lead to great accomplishments. Honest! My hell is often created by sitting, or just staying in bed and thinking of everything that’s messed up. It can seem impossible to overcome. And, as I continue to sit around and do nothing, of course things that need to be taken care of, or created, are impossible to get done. Because I’m doing nothing.
Small steps are an incredible thing. As we look back, we will learn how huge they are. They connect us to victories, beauty and love that we may have never thought possible. That we could , at some points in our lives, not even conceived of being a part of our lives.
So please, be confident that was is great, is a part of you even if it is dormant at this moment. Wake it up! Take a small step toward beauty. Instantaneously, it becomes a part of your life. Remember, your intent is what creates the beauty of your steps. By this I mean if your doing something so you can hurt the world, including yourself, you are not connecting with victories. But just to make some step because you want beauty in your world is huge. Really!
Sorry to write so long. I hope some of this makes sense to you. I really hope to hear from you.
I can without a doubt relate to some of the things you are saying, and i think we share some of the same things in our personal hell. Thank you for the speech, and it does without a doubt, illustrate your point beatifully. And i’m sure your right again, but i still feel the same dark overwelming feeling, but some of the thoughts of killing myself are gone. And i believe that i partly have you to thank. Things aren’t great, but sometimes brighter. Thank you.
From the little I know of you, you have allot to offer. I really hope others have the opportunity to enjoy you!
Yeah, well.. Have a lot to offer, i dont know. Sometimes i have, and i’ve found that most people just wants the best of me, and i have been hurt by that sometimes too. It’s all ups and downs right now.
But there are some ups. Me too. I’ve just had the tendency to let the downs be the dominating feeling and spread over everything else. Maybe focus more on the present ups and those we wish to follow. They will follow.
Thanks. Thats all i can say now, thank you for the kind words.