I’ve often thought that the best choice for me is suicide. And most of the time, I don’t even know why.
My life isn’t as bead as others; I still have both parents, they aren’t divorced or fighting (much), I don’t have a loved one who’s died or been killed… but I still can’t handle living.
Every day… I can’t figure out what I’m doing. I have no control… hardly any friends… And I know it’s stupid, but I get really upset over two stupid things: looking the way I do, and not having anyone like me as more than a “friend”.
I have two different personalities– the fake, for school, (+ moods) & the real me, at home, (- moods).
Inside, my mind is a constant turmoil. I can’t do anything right… why am I even alive… no one wants me, why haven’t they gotten rid of me… what do I do…
Why can’t I just die already?
I want to just get a gun, and blow my brains out, but I can’t, and it’s so frustrating that I’ve head mental breakdowns over it. I have no way to get a hold of anything that I can use to kill myself.
I’ve tried talking about it, but everyone just says that I want attention. I want to kill them, too, for daring to think that they know me, that they know what I’m thinking.
They probably don’t even know my name.
What do I do?
I’ve tried asking for help… only to get brushed off. (“You’re so funny! I didn’t know you could act emo! That act was PERFECT!” ….. “I wasn’t acting…” ….. “Ha! There you go again, nice one! The face was awesome!!!” ….. “Um… no, seriously….”)
I’ve tried to kill myself, but there are no sharp objects in my house that aren’t under lock and key… and I’ve spent years searching for the keys. I don’t have any privacy, so I would be found out within minutes.
My thoughts are constantly jumbled… but you could probably tell, if you’re reading this.
I’m losing what sanity I have left, and no one even cares,
4 comments
I’m similar to you but wanting death because of what we’re expected to do with our lives. Also I don’t really have anything to kill myself with instantly so I’m waiting for my chance. How old are you because you should know that life doesn’t HAVE to revolve around looks and accomplishments, sure other people don’t know that but it’s your mind and no-one can enter it and change your views and emotion except you. Don’t worry about them bastards who call you emo, they don’t realise every face is a life and story that no-one else will ever truly understand except the writer. I’m sorry if what I’m writing isn’t helping… I haven’t slept since yesterday afternoon (I’m in Australia) I have really bad insomnia. I care which is why I’m saying if your going to kill yourself, make sure your 100 percent sure it’s what you want, even if your favorite flavor chips are holding you back then don’t do it because you’ll NEVER taste them again. Just think of everything and I mean EVERYTHING before you make your final decision.
Also I got into my mind when I decided to kill myself that it was something I had to do as soon as possible… that was 2 months ago, yes I’m still going to kill myself but I only want to do it by jumping and it’s gonna be a month until I might get a chance to do it, just remember death can always wait.
You’re right… if I’m hesitating, then I shouldn’t. Thanks for the tips… especially about the ‘bastards who call [me] emo’! ^_^ It made me laugh, something I haven’t done in a while.
I also have insomnia, but it’s a mild case.
I guess I’m just… not ready to live, but not yet ready to die.
Maybe I’m just not ready to exist…?
Anyway, thanks again.
your welcome.
cant find any sharp objects? Is there a waiting period and background check for disposable razors at your local K-Mart?