I miss what I once had. I miss it so much, and for years those feelings have consumed me, and they have taken over me until I was no longer me at all. I have blamed so many people for my own problems, and I have lived my short life hating almost everyone who has come into my life. I have caused so many people pain because I let my feelings get the better of me. I have pinned my suicidal thoughts and actions on specific people. I have blamed past experiences for the depression that now consumes me. I have blamed my birth defect for every little thing wrong with me. I have lived an unhappy 15 years on this Earth. Sure, I have had those little happy moments, but over all most of my emotions have been negative. I have been depressed for so long now, I can honestly say I do not truly know what HAPPY feels like.
Something strange happened two nights ago though. That night was the first night in MONTHS where I haven’t gone to bed sad or crying. I felt… fine, and it was amazing to feel alright. Yesterday, I wasn’t HAPPY but I wasn’t depressed either. I was just.. okay. And today, I’m fine too. I have realized so many things about myself and others in the past two days, and I believe that I am getting back on the right path of life.
1. Although my Dad can sometimes be really mean and although he sometimes treats me like crap, I know deep down that he loves me. I have hated him for two years, and I want that to stop. I know he loves me in his own way, and though he has a weird way of showing his love, he cares. I have a Dad, a lot of people don’t. I have a Dad that LOVES me, and although that should be a life necessity many people go without Dads who love them, or they have no Dad. I should be (and am now) very grateful to have my Dad around. And although our relationship isn’t totally fixed yet, I am willing to let go and forgive.
2. Alex. At one time he was my best friend. He has made me HATE myself because of the words he spoke to me. And until recently I used to blame him for all my problems, but I have come to terms with it. I have tried to change him, but I now know that some people will never change. I have also realized that it is not  everyone’s job to help me and care for me, it’s my own. No one is obligated to help me, only I can truly change myself.
3. I went through an “I HATE YOU ALL GO FUCKING DIE. I HATE SCHOOL, I HATE LIFE, AND I HATE EVERYTHING.” phase recently. It scared me because I couldn’t control my anger towards everyone and everything, but I believe I’m getting better. I can now control my anger and I no longer hate everyone.
4. Although the deep rooted problem of my depression will never change, I can change many other things about my life. And I’m going to, because without changing I will always stay the same depressed me I have always been. I’m going to try and work harder in school (although this year is almost over and I can’t do anything about my bad grades, I can try much harder next year.) And I’m going to think more positively. I’m also going to try and be  nicer to people (particularly my parents.)
5. Joey. I like you and I probably always will. And I will always be sad you don’t like me back, but I won’t let it take over me like I have. I’m so grateful we’re close friends, and I’m learning to accept that’s all we’ll probably ever be. At least I have you in my life as a friend, and for that I am extremely grateful.
6. Although I probably won’t ever be full blown happy, I don’t want to be suicidal anymore. All I want is to be okay, and I’m starting to think that I will be. I have cut myself before, and I have a scar on my arm that is never going away, and every time I see it I will think about how depressed I was. But I will look at it as a reminder of who I once was, and who I don’t want to be again.
7. My parents love me, and they brought me into this world with the intention of giving me everything I would need and giving me an amazing life. Who am I to decide when to end it? I would hurt so many people in the process, and then I would be causing others the exact thing I don’t want anyone to feel, pain.
Sorry to those that read this and found it boring and stupid, but I had to document all the thoughts in my head. I wish you all good luck in your life, and I hope you all find some form of happiness 🙂
-SNR
3 comments
great post !
Thank you! 🙂 Thanks for reading it.
GoldLights,
I wrote this since your first post published, but seeing a lot of hate coming from you just intimidated my sharing, however I think now is a better time.
I had a classmate with cleft pallet and lip in grade 6, a shy but gentle boy, but we did get along fine.
One day, during recess and we were all at the playground which was also a football field. There a football was rolling slowly toward him, he was so elated as if being lucky and started in his poise eagerly ready to kick it back to some players hollering at the far end.
Soon after his powerful kick, the ball didn’t go as intended but sideways, and the only thing that kicked up in the air was his shoe flung flying high.
Laughter was all over, some even saying like what a wimp he was in showing off, oh ugly face making an ugly scene.
And I happened to be around and saw what’s going on. (As I knew he was so poor even the shoes he was wearing were from someone once used that given to him, but a few sizes over.)
And he just stood there so embarrassed as if stunned before he realized had to go get his shoe back.
After the retrieval, he just kind of walking like turning in circles, and sometimes left sometimes right.
So I went over and tried to comfort him, telling him not to take in those bullies’ words. They were just horrible persons. But he turned instead on me and told me in rage not to ever bother minding his own business.
I then said, “Everything’s alright, just ignore….”. He suddenly turned and swung his kick at me, I immediately felt a sharp pain in my belly, I just couldn’t help but so painful that I had to kneel on the ground, without even a word I could utter for an entire minute, and he just sarcastically told me not to play acting. When I was in kneeling position for a few minutes there, some passers-by I didn’t even know of even flung in some awful words seemingly pathetic little dog was deserved to be kicked to have some fun.
Though my classmate later apologized to me. But after that incidence, whenever he saw me come any closer, even that I was smiling in the kindest way, he would just turn and walk away, refusing any more talk to me ever since.
So, have I really learned from that lesson ?
As if I’m doing something similar again.