please

all my life i have contemplated suicide, and imagined how much better off i’d be.. i really feel as if it cant be normal to wish you weren’t alive every single day of your life. with only a few half-ass attempts, i really need to ‘grow the balls’ now. believe me, i have tried all the outs. this earth just isn’t the place for me. it never has been.  i am now facing serious prison time. and with a few county stays under my belt, i know that it is not the place for me. being mental and suicidal i just can’t handle it. i can’t handle life as it is, or be happy whilst i am free.. behind locked doors my mind only gets so much worse. my plate just keeps getting heavier, too. i realize my actions cause these consequences, but i only do such things because i wish i weren’t alive in the first place… i really DO want to die. i really DO want to simply just end it all. WHY can’t i just find the perfect way. and go through.. i feel as if i could have a gun, it would be much easier, but that isn’t an option..  how..