I wish I had a reason. I wish I had an excuse. I wish I had gotten molested as a child; I wish my dad beat me. I need a fucking reason – some problem that I can fix, some underlying cause that can explain my disconnect. But there’s no reason.
I cannot connect with humanity. People are strange. I don’t know what they want to hear. I don’t know how to interact with them. When I’m around people, I want to be a alone. When I’m alone, I want to be with people. I suppose there’s some primal, tribal urge that my mind cannot suppress. Humans need other humans. We bleed, shit, and fuck together, and after eighty years, our essence ceases and we vanish into oblivion for the rest of eternity. Does that make a lot of sense to you? Not really. Our purpose on this rock is to perpetuate our species. Why? Natural selection, of course. Only those who want to survive do so. I think I’m about to be selected against, if you know what I mean.
I find the prospect of eternity perversely frightening and entrancing. I want to close my eyes, forget my name, and just fucking CEASE, you know? Nothing means anything. My social failures? I could fix them, maybe, if I wanted to, but what’s the fucking point? I, ME, I’m a nebulous spark of life trapped inside of a fleshy cage located on a infinitesimal rock in the middle of a lifeless, dead, infinite universe. In seventy years (hopefully sooner) my spark will be doused and my essence will be dissipated to every corner of this empty fucking universe. It’s fucking worthless. Every smile, every sunny summer day, every passionate kiss, rendered purposeless by the curse of transience. Nothing lasts. Hedonism is the only reasonable course of action. Do a lot of drugs. Fuck a lot of girls/guys, whatever you’re into. That’s the only point, right? Momentary sparks of pleasure. Cause once you pass beyond the veil, everything you’ve ever accomplished is gone.
I don’t know what the hell I’m trying to say. I think I’ll masturbate, fall asleep, and wake up in the morning and tell myself that I don’t hate myself. But I’ll know that I’m lying.
6 comments
I feel the EXACT same as you. There’s nothing “wrong” with me. No significant event in my youth ever happened to me, but likewise I find it impossible to connect with anyone. Any new friendship I make seems to die for no reason faster than it took to start. I don’t understand it. I’ve lost enough people who I thought were best friends and now won’t even get back to me. I also relate with, when I am at home I am bored and lonely, but in the off chance someone invites me out, I wish I was at home watching TV.
I just don’t know what to do with myself. I seem to have an overwhelming need for human connection/bonding/companionship, but every time I attempt it, it leaves me feeling worse than before. I wish I wouldn’t bother anymore but I guess a tiny amount of hope still exists.
OMG woah are you me? You just completely summed up my views on like everything. Except replace masturbating with cutting because it feels way better *___* (my sex drive is dead anyway lol). But seriously, i cycle through best friends like once a month lol because making up shit to entertain them with is very very tiring and i really don’t get anything out of it except a minute level of emotional security. So usually i break it off by doing something outrageously catty and dramatic just so its not so monotonous and so i can never be friends with them again even if i get the urge to. But then being the idiot i am i always get “lonely” and try and make new friends. I always think they’re different or something but everyone is the same damn thing with a different label. They quickly make me even lonelier and the process repeats. Ugh. How do normal people do it?
Jsyk it also bothers me how damn happy everyone is, like they really don’t just take a second to look at their surroundings and realize how much everything sucks lol. Seriously, how is everyone so clueless? And then they think *i’m* weird because, what, i think about things? sdfjdsjfhldfkjdhgf and like everyone just lacks emotional depth and relatability and the silliest slightest things will piss them off and distance them from you, but it’s near impossible to get them to even try to empathize with you, and the people that do end up betraying you *somehow* because we’re all selfish bastards. Dx
hey guys
There’s someone else here who feels exactly like you,
you are not alone, neither am I!
O my gosh I am 14 and I can totally relate to u when reading this I smiled I thought I was the only one it’s like your fucking giving up on everything because no matter how hard u try things just gets worst and u feel worst . You just get label and u can’t understand people and they can’t understand u and at some point u just give up u say WTF this is how it is always goin to be and it seems as if everyone has a place in this world were they go and feel welcome expect you so we ask ourselfs why I am I even here why the fuck I am still living in this world. hey u made me smile for a second knowing that I am not the only one who feels like this and thank u
“I, ME, I’m a nebulous spark of life trapped inside of a fleshy cage located on a infinitesimal rock in the middle of a lifeless, dead, infinite universe. In seventy years (hopefully sooner) my spark will be doused and my essence will be dissipated to every corner of this empty fucking universe. It’s fucking worthless.”
“Hedonism is the only reasonable course of action. Do a lot of drugs. Fuck a lot of girls/guys, whatever you’re into. That’s the only point, right? Momentary sparks of pleasure. Cause once you pass beyond the veil, everything you’ve ever accomplished is gone.”
Exactly.
Our life will end up soon… And we’re just star dust.
So, hedonism is really the only wise way to keep living.
I can completely agree, Im concidered ‘normal’ aside from all my mental heath issues,
I have the perfect life that i could do soo much with, but its me, who is causing all the issues. Im acting like a rape victim, a victim whos has an excuse to be this was, but when Im in the midst of depression, no one can understand why, why is SHE like this?
I guess iv made pretty big issues for myself this past 2 years.
Good luck everyone