I’ve had images of hanging myself, stepping in front of a train or automobile, and now I’m obsessed with thoughts of knives through my arms.
I’ve never cut. I can’t handle physical pain, so why does my mind automatically go toward knives puncturing through my forearms? It wouldn’t be a release for me as I have understood it to be so for other people. Instead, the physical pain would be a distraction to the mental pain. It would also be a punishment.
I wish I had killed myself when I was 16. It’s been 20 years of regret. Diagnosed with clinical depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, PMDD, traits of OCD, and a horrible eating disorder which has ruined my life. At age 36, I’m living a life I never wanted. I thought I’d be married by now, own property, and enjoy a prosperous career. None of which has happened. I made a horrible career choice by becoming a teacher, and have hated myself for it for the past 11years. I fake it at work. Put on that professional face. The truth is, I hate every aspect of […]