Life sure loves reminding me that I’m useless
Nothing makes me happy anymore. I used to love playing violin, but it doesn’t bring me joy anymore. I used to sing, but now I barely talk. I used to draw, but my art has turned into scribbles and shadows. I love my friends, but I’m constantly reminded that I don’t really belong with them. I’m not living. Just existing. And I hate it.
How do you escape a hole you dug yourself into? I cannot talk to my friends because I am afraid of being reported or ignored again. I cannot show the slightest bit of unhappiness around my parents or they will send me back to the hospital. I can’t even try to die yet because I am still afraid of what they’ll do to me if I fail. But I can’t stay like this either. I hate myself more than anyone in the world, and almost nobody notices that I exist. I am trapped and I want nothing more than to escape these chains somehow.
Why is life so complicated? Why can’t the pain just stop? What have I done to deserve this endless suffering?
I don’t think I can do this anymore. It’s only gotten worse and worse. I can open my veins to let the shadows drain out, to calm the ghosts in my head, but they just come back again and again and I’m so tired of living.
My parents sent me to a mental hospital for a week. They thought they’d make me better. But they just made it worse than ever before. I’d cry for hours, almost pass out because I wouldn’t eat, I didn’t speak a word for over a week. I don’t care what happens to me anymore. Everything has been taken from me except my life, and I don’t want that either now. I’m so behind now too. I missed so many tests and projects. I was taken in on the day of my winter concert. That was supposed to be my first time being concertmaster. I worked […]
I’m exhausted. I’m always hurting. I dont think I can do this much longer.
It’s sad when I let myself think about it. I know it’s my fault. People leave me a lot, some in kinder ways than others. Friends that just started ignoring me, my best friend of four years who spilled part of a really important secret that I would have killed myself over had I not been able to convince my parents otherwise. But I push people away too. Honestly, it’s probably better for them that way. I don’t want to be more of a burden, and I always seem to end up hurting people. I know I don’t deserve friends, but it still hurts. I […]
Complicated is a good word for my family dynamic. I’m the middle child, with an older brother and a younger sister. Despite being the golden child, my sister isn’t so bad. My brother on the other hand, is. There’s too many incidents to list them all, but I’ll name a few:
when my sister and I were younger, he would stick needles into nerf gun bullets and threaten us with them. He threw a fork at me that ended up hitting me in the eye. (luckily, I only got a mild scratch and can still see) He’s beaten me with a chair. He’s tried to kill […]
I wish I could disappear so badly. I’m destroying myself, but I can’t stop, and I want to die more than anything else. I’m drowning in everything I have to do. I have an essay to write, two projects to do, four songs to learn for honors orchestra, science olympiad, theater, Girl Scouts, horseback riding, a million animal or regular chores, and violin lessons. On top of that, my father keeps nagging me about applications, but I don’t want to live long enough to get to high school anymore. The deadlines and the walls are closing in. I’ve acted strong for years, but I can’t […]