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bayareaguy

I was named after my father, but have always been called by my middle name, Jay. I am the youngest of 3 children born to Walter and Jackie Hale in 1955. I was raised on the road as my father worked for a major construction firm building pipelines all over the country (and world). I was closest to my sister and mother. My brother and I might just as well have been the Hatfields and McCoys. My father and I never really connected. Mom and I were so alike in personality and temperament. I have always had a deep love for the theater. I was not allowed to study and acquire a degree in theatrical arts after graduating high school in 1973. I never attempted to chase my dream of going to NYC to become a stage actor and director. I managed to do a little of this in my 30's and 40's in the semi-professional arenas while living in California, Washington and Arizona. But the huge regret of never going for my dream has left a huge gap in my life. At the age of 27, I married, out of loneliness, a woman I did not really love. I was the only father her 2 small children ever knew as their birth father abandoned the family when the kids were 3 and 4 yrs old. I finally had the courage to end the marriage after both kids had graduated. Since then (1997) I have been on my own. I pursued a career, first in retail management and then in travel, working for an airline, managing travel agencies and working for major hotel firms.....I am still alone. While living and working in NYC, the family asked me to move back home to Oklahoma City to help Mom care for Dad during his final illness. I was with him in the nursing home when he passed...our only real time of connection had been in those final months. In August 2009 the family genes exploded and I developed severe heart issues which nearly took my life. I returned to work after surgery and 5 months of recuperation from the ordeal. I was only able to last a year. The damage to my heart was too severe and I just couldn't handle an 8 to 10 hour day of dealing with the traveling public. So, after working for nearly 30 years, it was suddenly over. I was medically retired against my will. I was able to win approval for Social Security Disability on my first try. I took on the light care of two Franciscan Friars in San Francisco as they dealt with various health issues and came to love Derek and Leo dearly. Then my mother's dementia began to escalate and the family asked me to move in with Mom to care for her. I did that for 2 years until she passed (at home and with my sister and me at her side) in April, 2013. I cannot express how much I miss her.....I am alone....The stress of caring for Mom has fractured the relationship I once had with my sister...the meds I take for my heart cause depression....she doesn't get it. She's one of those "Snap out of it" types, unwilling to accept that I now also have a medical condition called Major Depressive Disorder, in addition to my heart condition......I am alone....do you sense a theme here? The proverbial misfit in my family and all through school....I identify with the character of Elphaba, the green girl/wicked witch in the Broadway musical Wicked. People are too narrow minded to accept and celebrate diversity. So here I am on this site, a venue to vent, commiserate, reach out in despair or extend an ear, hand or shoulder to others whose painful journey can be so frightening....and then...I have a little glimmering of understanding that I am not, really, alone after all.

I think it’s time to just do this….move on

by bayareaguy
written by bayareaguy

I adapted this from an anonymous poem:

Don’t Judge Me

Don’t judge me for how I left this world,
Remember the love I gave,
A lot of grief has followed me
Drowning me like an ocean wave.

Changes intrude on everyone’s life
Some are good and some are bad,
All the change in recent years
Has made me very sad.

But in time the memories
will from your hearts the hurt release
And my presence will be felt by all
With an inner peace.

Remember me when the sun is bright
And laughter fills the air
And a moonlit night and a whisper of wind
Will tell you I am […]

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Feeling to tired too keep on going

by bayareaguy
written by bayareaguy

Three words that best describe me: Old (58) fat (220) ugly. Four years after suffering disabling heart disease, I just feel like it’s time to move on. This world has absolutely NOTHING in it for me. So alone, so lonely. I have enough heart meds to take an elephant down. To sleep and not wake up knowing I am old, fat and ugly….surely that would be best.

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Don’t Judge Me

by bayareaguy
written by bayareaguy

I adapted this from an anonymous poem:

Don’t Judge Me

Don’t judge me for how I left this world,
Remember the love I gave,
A lot of grief has followed me
Drowning me like an ocean wave.

Changes intrude on everyone’s life
Some are good and some are bad,
All the change in recent years
Has made me very sad.

But in time the memories
will from your hearts the hurt release
And my presence will be felt by all
With an inner peace.

Remember me when the sun is bright
And laughter fills the air
And a moonlit night and a whisper of wind
Will tell you I am […]

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It can’t be long now – I hope

by bayareaguy
written by bayareaguy

I have not posted here in over a year. I went through a very brief period of “remission” from my depression. When it returned, it did so with a vengeance. I am now 57 years old and have never been able to recover from the combination of heart related issues I first suffered 3 years ago.

I am now isolated in the foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains where I am companion to my 84 year old mother who has dementia.

I have been in the process of applying for SSDI since late last year. The hospital has just […]

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Unable to rest

by bayareaguy
written by bayareaguy

The depression comes and goes. Each time it comes it’s more intense. I’m 56 and feel like a total failure, pointless and useless. A burden. I’ve been watching The Bridge again, wishing I had the strength to make one last visit and end this. All I really want is to go to sleep and never wake up. But the bridge seems like it’s my only real option. 4am and I can’t sleep. So lonely, so tired, such a misfit in life. Please….Sleep, come and put me out of my misery.

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The Bridge

by bayareaguy
written by bayareaguy

Last night I watched the documentary film The Bridge. I was riveted. Somehow I know I will one day be a part of the Golden Gate’s legacy. I see it every day driving to work and from my place of business at it’s foot on the Marin County side. In just a few short years I will not be able to support myself or afford the meds needed for my heart. So, I ask myself, what am I waiting for? Why delay the inevitible? I will only be a burden on my family.

I felt such a kinship, a […]

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Its been almost a year

by bayareaguy
written by bayareaguy

I’m 55 yrs old and male…that makes me somewhat unique on this site.  But that doesn’t mean I don’t have a full, complete  understanding and empathy for the younger people who post here.

Last August I suffered congestive heart failure brought on by the extreme stress of my job…yes the very job people kept saying I was lucky to have.  While in the hospital for the heart failure it was determined I needed a quadruple bypass.   The surgery was done on Veterans Day last November.  In spite of all of the reassurances that this was going to make me better and that I would feel better than […]

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