I’m 55 yrs old and male…that makes me somewhat unique on this site.Â But that doesn’t mean I don’t have a full, completeÂ understanding and empathy for the younger people who post here.
Last August I suffered congestive heart failure brought onÂ by the extreme stress of my job…yes the very job people kept saying I was lucky to have.Â While in the hospital for the heart failure it was determined I needed a quadruple bypass.Â Â The surgery was done on Veterans Day last November.Â In spite of all of the reassurances that this was going to make me better and that I would feel better than I had in years, I am actually worse.Â I’m in chronic chest and back pain, and perpetually numb in my left chest area.Â I have no energy.Â I feel thisÂ has all just been for naught.
In January I started to get depressed.Â February and March were truely terrible.Â I’ve made mental journey’s into my past and remember the pain of growing up as the misfit in my family and at school.Â I was bullied so much that as a teenager I tried to kill myself by taking a bunch of my dad’s meds.Â I was home alone and all it did was make me sick.Â I’ve never told anyone about this.
I have no life savings thanks to a divorce a few years ago and know that I can’t survive onÂ social security (if it’s still even around in 8 years).Â I have to go back into the hospital tomorrow for another procedure.Â I’ve decided that this is it.Â Regardless of what happens tomorrow I will not let another doctor touch me.Â I’m alone and no one will really miss me if i die on the table (except the insurance company who won’t be able to collect beacause I have no money).
Every night I cry and pray that God will just take me in my sleep and release me from this emptiness and aching.Â I’m so tired of being alone.Â I am a failure professionally and personally.Â I live and work very close to the Golden Gate Bridge…….the tempation is always there.Â It only takes 4 seconds to hit the water.