benna

There’s an italian film whose name is The sweet life, directed by Fellini, that describes what a couple of freaks like me feel.

There’s a famous scene in which an american actress takes a bath in the night into a fountain, and Marcello, the protagonist, just stand there, looking at her, as he always does: looking at people roaringly living, without knowing wheter he should get into, or stay out.

He has a job he doesn’t like, a woman he doesn’t love, an expensive car he uses to hang around in Rome with his lover, whom he doesn’t care about: he isn’t presumptuous, at all. He doesn’t know, he […]

I had a violent car accident this night. The car was up on his side, i got out through the window – i think, i don’t actually know. I got out. It was my fault, ambulance came, and shit. After all the voices, the mess, the silence, the discussion, one thought only is in me, i want to share it with you.

After death there’s only what there was before it, but without you’re eyes watching.

A picture does not always have a meaning that goes beyond the simple watching; the same should be for life.

The meaning of life is therefore to keep watching, so to oppose to […]

writing on a fucking social network the feelings of a miserable man. It’s been five years since i’ve been depressed. It’s brutal. No counseling, no help, fuck it – you know how shameful would it be that everyone knew i’m crazy? Friends disappearing, people changing streets while i’m in. So i keep this pathetic pantomime, i keep crossing these same streets i’ve been crossing all my life – what is the cherry on top of the cake? Is that i’m fucking studying medicine, and i’m going to specialize in psychiatry, and i’ll be more fucked up than the people i will meet.

I stopped believing life is shit a couple of months ago. […]

We don’t make the difference, nobody makes a single difference to the world. You don’t matter but for the little circle of habits you’re surrounded by, if you weren’t there your work would have been taken by someone else, and your love/friends/the time itself, would have gone by almost as kindly as they are going by now. I was thinking it this evening..

What is my life? What are the ridicolous hours i’m delivering pizzas the weekend? And you? You’re so sure to mean something to all this, and not just be a vain crumble of sand in an infinite nothing?

Do you think your depression is a choice or a disease? I always felt that it was my rationality to be the reason, my situation/philosophy, but couldn’t a physical disorder (like the theory of serotonin lacking) be the real base of the thought process?

I was thinking today, if i had the guts, how much of my life would i be able to change? Like give up the study, finding a job, going to live abroad, wouldn’t it be just better for the taste of it? To change the same city i’ve been wandering about the evening for twenty years, and hear foreign languages spreading from unknown streets.. it’s just about courage, really! Nobody gets in the way but yourself with your fears or pointless projects for the future (a shit future anyway, since i’m here).

What would you change in your life if you’d manage to?