I’m a guy. For the last four years or so I’ve been dealing with self inflicted appetite irregularities, to the point where it became a challenge to go 24 hours without anything at all. I made it to 48 once. Most of the time it feels like eating almost anything besides maybe a single piece of fruit is going to turn me into the bowling ball I used to be. So I work full day shifts and I might buy a sandwich from across the street on my lunch, but that will have been my breakfast lunch and dinner. The reason for why I started […]
Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night
I think about all the things I’d love so much to talk about with people
and then I remember I’m alone
and then sometimes I fall asleep.
I’m so obsessed with music that I’m borderline sexually attracted to it at this point, so I’m sure this has way less value to everyone else than it does me. That said, anyone here fans of sunny day real estate? If you’re in a funk, and I assume we all are by virtue of being here, I don’t see how throwing Diary on the turntable can do anything but help. I’ve been suicidal a few times before, the most intense point being in high school, when I found this band. I’m not gonna say something naive and stupid like “this album helped me out of […]
to get to the center of a tootsie pop? I dunno.
I resolved to get tinder even if it ends up doing nothing more than taking up space, because anything is better than waking up every day knowing you won’t have any meaningful human interactions. If I’m gonna starve to death I’d rather starve with a fishing pole in my hand than with nothing, I guess. But I can’t even do that much, because the credit card registered to my phone is no longer mine; apparently at some point we switched to a family plan and my card was removed from my phone and […]
I know the reason I don’t enjoy performing anymore. It’s really not even that I don’t enjoy performing, as much as it is for whom I’m performing. Music is the most personal facet of my life and it’s what I take most seriously, and spend most of my time with. The reality is that I’m really just up on a stage parading myself around for the better end of an hour. The only time I can be personal is when I’m playing covers to strangers who don’t know me outside of my guitar.
My dream as a musician is to express myself fully through my music, […]
My parents got into a huge fight, and now what seemed like a marriage repairing itself is a few days from dissolving. I almost relapsed into cutting and don’t know how long I can hold off. I called w friend just to help me keep my mind on something and told him what happened. We talked for an hour or so, and by the time I hung up I was able to go back to bed. Not sleep, but to bed. When talking to my friend I couldn’t help but realize how distant I am from everyone. And how alone I’ve been, and make myself. […]
I wonder how many of us are lost causes? I wonder how many of us won’t ever see anything other than this cycle of “recovery” and “relapse?” I’m not one to preach about things like predestination, but I couldn’t and can’t help but think that maybe, just maybe, I’m dragging this thing out a lot longer than it needs to be. Putting myself in obviously catastrophic situations seems almost to be part of my design; I ruin things for myself because it feels weird when everything’s going right. Honestly I should have killed myself years ago. I should have done it the second I realized […]
Why can’t I even be happy to do the things that make me happy? What the hell is wrong with me and why won’t I stop?
Sorry I haven’t been on for the last several days. It’s just that a lot’s happened, not least of which was being horribly ill.
Plan’s off.
Everything started when my mom told me I needed to be gone at the end of the month. The job I have doesn’t pay enough for me to pay rent at the moment because I’m also going to school, so I’d have to give that up to work full time in a shitty apartment in one of the most dangerous cities in the country. I feel like such a whiny ***** typing this; it’s obviously not the end of the world […]
pretty hard to hide scars on your wrist and upper arm from your parents in a hospital gown. Even harder to hide it from the nurse trained to recognize these things while your dad is right there in the room.
and it all started over three dollars, nonetheless. There aren’t as many cuts as last time but I got overzealous and cut one way too deep. That was a hole on my wrist, not a cut. It’s getting harder to flex my right hand and I don’t know if I should be worried or not, but I’m probably just being melodramatic.
First of all, it’s good to see you again redandpurple. I’m glad you’re alright and I hope you’re doing better. At the very least you sound like you are.
Anyway, on to me rambling, I guess.
$9. that’s pretty much all the money I have until Thursday. $9.
This last couple weeks have been a clusterfuck of a whirlwind for me. I decided to kill myself a week or so ago, and I haven’t majorly strayed from that, but Christ I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve been skipping school as incentive to follow through, and I decided to stop taking my Prozac too. I thought it […]
I don’t know why but I posted on Candid just to vent. Got a decently bulky paragraph on why I need to go ahead and off myself instead of wasting everyone’s air since I’m a weak person.
But I also got a stereotypical “hang in there” poster in the comments too so I guess it’s all good.
Ive had this app for months now and I knew what would happen, but I just thought it was kind of funny and wanted to share it.
Since no one’s home I decided to take a look at one of my guitars to see why it wasn’t working right. Sure enough, whatever problems it had before just weren’t there anymore. I guess time fixed it. Somehow.
I played through my dad’s bass amp since my own is still in the shop, and I ended up testing my drive pedal through it an a ridiculous volume. The feedback was the loudest ice ever heard.
i really needed that.
I’ve got until the 28th. I know what I’m going to do and how to do it, and I have everything I need.
I really wish I could have stuck around a bit longer.
The weather’s been getting nicer where I am. Funny enough that’s just something that seems to happen when I feel my time is up.
I remember three years ago when it happened the first time. It really was a beautiful day that day.
I decided some time ago that the way I wanted to go would be through CO, but I also decided that I wouldn’t do that in our garage, because I didn’t want to traumatize my family or anything. I was hoping I’d have some easier access to Xanax since I read that too much of it labors breathing, which was kind of what I want going for, but oh well.
Anyway, I changed my mind. In a perfect mood in a perfect storm at a perfect time I’ll be gone in two and half weeks, but knowing me I probably won’t even go through with it.
at […]
I desperately need something that doesn’t exist. The Prozac doesn’t work. At least not yet. I’m by myself all of the time and I fucking hate it, but what else am I going to do? Make friends with the people around me by creating another disingenuous personality that I have to keep up with? I’d be kidding myself, and it would just leave me more exhausted and drained than I already constantly am. I bought sleeping pills because every day is an eternity. Work is a test of endurance. School is a test of willpower. My parents don’t even want me around and I honestly […]