this insomnia will be the death of me…..i go days without sleeping….i’ve tried everything, and i do mean everyhing, other than giving myself a concussion, benzos, sominex, chamomille tea, melatonon, entire bottles of nyquil ,benedryl….eventually after a couple of days i’ll crash, but it’s still not restorative sleep, and then i’ll wake up a few hours later….my husband says i’ve been screaming in my sleep, or whimpering and begging….once i even cried while sleeping…..but when he wakes me i have no recollection of any dreams…i’m at my wits end with it….hypothetically speaking, if i hadnt been crazy before these 2-3 days at a time bouts […]
My top 3 are;
Marcy Playground- one more suicide
everclear- queen of the air
blind melon- St. Andrews Fall
“there is a loneliness in this world so great
that you can see it in the slow movement of
the hands of a clock.
people so tired
mutilated
either by love or no love.
people just are not good to each other
one on one.
the rich are not good to the rich
the poor are not good to the poor.
we are afraid.
our educational system tells us
that we can all be
big-ass winners.
it hasn’t told us
about the gutters
or the suicides.
or the terror of one person
aching in one place
alone
untouched
unspoken to
watering a plant.”
i know being suicidal tends to makes us all somewhat self-supplicating creatures…..to clarify, this is not intended as a stab at anyone, just my conjecture….although i dont really post frquently, i would like to aknowledge some of you on this site who make an effort of helping others…..it reminds me that humanity is not all lost, just mostly unanimous, so thank you all….i cant name em all, but u know who u r….distant road, whispers, koatanik, nias, even killswitch…bit blunt and i’m guessing mostly drunk, but narcissim dosent automatically mean not caring, rite…hahahaha!!! but for realsies, i am appreciative…..also, can i borrow some money??? JOKING!!!
I have been trying to walk up to the fact that i need to be hospitalized for awhile……i’ve even parked in front of huntsville hospital and walked half way in before turning around…..about to try again tonight
i’m checking in tomarrow….and i’m really scared about it…..i know i need to though
i totally agree with everyone not presently abiding in a veggie garden when they say that fb sucks a bag of dicks…..my pg is not like that….not a single vacay photo or cutesy baby pic in sight…..(full disclosure, it is still a bit depressing) i set it up under a pseudonym so ppl that know me, wont know it’s me…it has my favorite songs about suicide, picts of self immoliation,things i think are cool, and excerpts from diffrent things i’m writing so ppl can tell me if it sux or not, ….since i dont wanna invite ppl “i know” (i use quotation marks here bc […]
on facebook,brand new, please check it out please
i think it was the lack of sleep that sent me over…..the edge is not a quantitive thing that can be easily explained to those of whom have not been privy to the discomfort that comes with going over it….i had a ceasure and hurt my hip in the process i suppose, i was not concious for it so am therefor unsure…..i spent some time away but life has yet to leave, for which i am obliquely thankful, greatful even….
i just cant anymore. today is the last….90 ambien 100 otc sleeping pills….i just can’t……i’m so so sorry.i really did try. but i cant i told you before i was afraid i’ve gone so far afield i was afraid i wouldn’t be able to find myself again….well i cant……i’m so sorry. i know this is gonna leave behind a big hurt and i’m sorry
The male, for all his bravado and exploration, is the loyal one, the one who generally feels love. The female is skilled at betrayal and torture and damnation.
my last post holds alot of personal meaning…..maybe for all of us in one way r another…….i hope
when i think of heaven, deliver me in a black winged bird….i think of dying
lay me down in a field of flame and heather,
render up my body into the burning heart of god
in the belly of a black winged bird- Adam duritz
in the beginingwas the myth. God, in his search for self expression, invested the souls of
hindus, greeks, and germans with poetic shapes and continues to invest each childs soul with poetry every day.-hesse, Peter camenzind
“For those who believe in God, most of the big questions are answered. But for those of us who can’t readily accept the God formula, the big answers don’t […]
sorry i missed you, next time i’ll answer
i recently took in a stray cat…..he’s all old and crochety and sweet and has one eye missing….it took awhile to gain his trust, but now he’s purring at my feet…it’s very rewarding and theraputic……i came upon this site like a week ago, i was doing a bunch of research on suicide methods……i have 3 really awesome people in my life, and i’m daft as fuck but i realize it’s 3 more than some…….but i have some health problems, it hurts to move sometimes….so i do alot of drugs, socially acceptable in my case of course, which somehow makes it worse……i’ve also had some things, […]
most sucessful suicides happen on monday, in spring
Sitting here in a bed gilded with death, I cant help but acknowledge that
75% of all the people in the world have already lived there best day,
have already felt the very best that they are ever going to feel, and have already made the best of whatever
there was to make of it all, and i’m one of those people. This dosent sit well, its a hard thing
to digest, knowing this relevant thing about yourself,
about your life, and still sucking air.
the cresendo of life leaves us whispering, as it will, every fucking time
So i make heavy toil of not […]