the cresendo of life

Sitting here in a bed gilded with death, I cant help but acknowledge that
75% of all the people in the world have already lived there best day,
have already felt the very best that they are ever going to feel, and have already made the best of whatever
there was to make of it all, and i’m one of those people. This dosent sit well, its a hard thing
to digest, knowing this relevant thing about yourself,
about your life, and still sucking air.
the cresendo of life leaves us whispering, as it will, every fucking time
So i make heavy toil of not feeling, and i’ve found that there is a cold comfort in it that
i have become accoustomed to.
yet having to constantly run in place, never getting anywhere, but always running, it
extols a heavy price, the exacting heat of urgency was never meant to be felt as frequently as it is.
But i know i cant stay here forever. something has got to give way.
I’m afraid i might not be able to find myself again even if i really wanted to,
maybe i’ve gone to far afield, maybe i’ll never be sane again, and maybe thats why i’m so
quick to accept defeat, because maybe i was just never going to be the person i wanted to be anyways,
so maybe for me, its better to stay in purgatory than living thru hell just to find out i was never worth
the effort in the first place. you see that is what we really are afraid of. At the hart of the matter, God
himself would find a challenge in trying to find one person that really and truely gives a fuck about
what others think about them, we dont, we may say that we do,
we mite even be able to stomach our own bullshit and really beleive that we do,but very few people out there
are living solely for another person, or other people, and the luckless bastards that are, fucking hate it, i
promise you. I know because i’ve tried. you can’t live for other people, you just can’t, not for any substantial
length of time, you’ll just end up living vicariously thru them, and thats alot of weight to put on a person, and
why would you want to?
we’re just transferring our own fears about who we are on to other people,
because that way it’s a feeling with roots in reality, we can see our flaws
best when looking thru a mirror,
\ not just some harsh self critisism rattling
around in our brains. i dont think people inheretly want to be the very best possible version of themselves
for selfless reasons, if they did, no one would ever get where they were trying to, and we would all be just
the worst kind of people, all sick and sad and pissed off because someone let them down, someone damaged them,
someone fell short…..while humanity by defenition lends itself to codependency, we must first find
a way to survive ourselves before we can expect anyone else to……..i am wracked with survivor’s guilt and
am thus compelled to exact revenge on anyone who would put faith in me…i’m only here with myself, in this skin, because
i have to be, theres no excuse for you….