I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I hate being here. I hate suffering. I’ve failed my parents. I’ve failed as a student. I’ve even failed as a speech captain. I thought I could do it. I was stupid. Stupid for thinking I could ever be anything more than a piece of shit daughter. My parents found out about my self harm and suicidal thoughts. They told me that I’m just an attention seeker and that, that isn’t the way to get attention in this house. So I switched kinda… I didn’t realize it at first but a few days ago I […]
I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I’m trying to say no but the blade keeps calling. I hate it! I hate me, I hate my sexuality, I hate the names, the looks, the comments at school, I hate the preppy bitches who get their pleasure from my pain, I hate this!!!! I can’t take much more, one month clean and I’m struggling, Mary moved on, I’m lost, I’ve got 100lbs of pressure on me to be perfect. I’m trying but I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I don’t have any more distractions. What do I do? Who […]
Day 18 and my fingers still itch for the blade. Will the urge to cut never go away? I’ve found that when I get a papercut or trip and fall scraping a part of my body brings the same kind of relief that cutting did. Mary’s boyfriend called me a whore when she brought me up in conversation. He doesn’t like me very much… I came out to my schools GSA under oath no one would say anything outside the group. When my parents find out I’m afraid of what is gunna happen to me. My family loves very conditionally. I hate it. I can’t […]
Next friday is national coming out day and in my schools GSA we are sharing our stories… I don’t know what to do because I want to share for support but I don’t want my family to find out. After all my family is a bible thumping, gay hating, type of people.
I get told I’m fat. I weigh 130 with a height of 5’6.5″ I now eat small portions, try not to eat anything in between meals, and I go to bed at night and dream of the food I could eat. I get up from the table and feel so hungry. I want to eat so much more but I can’t let myself eat. I have a congressional debate meet this friday-saturday. We can’t wear bracelets…. I will be so vulnerable I’m not looking forward to it. I got told today that I work too hard and need to stop trying so hard. I study […]
I thought about it again. Taking all my pills at once. About cutting, Mum is slamming me again and my sister cant stop finding out my flaws. The kids at school just can’t stop after they saw me flirting with Mary. I want it all to end. I don’t want to let Her down but I feel hopeless. I feel like there’s something wrong with me. I feel like something isn’t right with me. Maybe I’m just paranoid though. My grades are slipping and I’m trying to keep them up. I have to get all A’s. Otherwise homelife is more like life in Hell. I […]
I’m trying so hard to reclaim my mind from self harm. It’s been five days since I last cut. The first two were okay. The third hard after these kids at school were….. Well they were them. The fourth worse. I was at my best friends birthday party when one of our friends invited a guy. (It was supposed to be just eight of us girls) I was okay at first, then he got out of his car. I got a bad feeling. Immediately after he got out of his car. I was scared. I hid. With my friends I stayed the farthest away from […]
This girl I really like, Mary, found out that I cut. And about my recent suicide attempt. She took my arm today and drew all over it. Hearts, butterflies, her name, the whole shebang. She told me shes rooting for me and that I can get through this. I think I believe her. So I’m setting the clock to zero and letting the numbers grow. Hopefully I won’t have to reset it to zero any time soon. I’m going for a personal record of over a week clean. Wish me luck 🙂
It’s so hard. I know that suicide will hurt a lot of the people around me especially Tino. And Tino if you see this I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be another Alexis. I can’t take this depression and these thoughts anymore! Between the thoughts, depression, anxiety, my past, my present, my family, coming out to myself as gay, I can’t go on like this anymore! My wrists are scarred but covered by bracelets, my mind is killing me. My soul is already dead. I found out that not even people who are friends of my family would support me being gay. No one that […]
I’ve always known I like girls. But I always thought I liked guys too. I’ve had boyfriends but….. I have never had that butterflies, stomach in knots feeling around a guy that some girls talk about. I’ll say I love them but it’s more like a friend kinda love. To me at least. My family is a bible thumping kind of family. My Mum would hate me if I told her my suspicions. I’ve always labeled myself as bisexual. My family doesn’t know that though. Most of the time because of this I think I’ll never be loved. The town I live in is small, […]
Why is it that I can’t go a day without thinking about killing myself?
Why do the girls at school hate me so much?
Why can’t I remember what happened to me?
Why is it that I hate myself so damn much?
Why do I cut myself almost every day?
Why can’t I stop?
Why is it my parents hate who I’ve become?
Why do the churches say that being bisexual is wrong?
Why can’t I be normal?
Why is it that I can’t be with who I love because she’s a girl?
Why do the boys bully me?
Why can’t I be accepted for who I am?
Why oh why does this world have to be […]
Sorry I’m different. Sorry I like different music. Sorry I’m not perfect. Sorry I’m bisexual. Sorry I’m depressed. Sorry I have low self esteem. Sorry I hate myself. Sorry I’m a fuck up. Sorry I’m not who you wanted me to be Mum. Sorry I don’t get all A’s. Sorry I’m not smart. Sorry I’m not beautiful. Sorry I don’t get solos in choir. Sorry I waste your money Dad. Sorry I do what I can to get out of the house because I hate it there. Sorry I’m not athletic. Sorry I can’t do everything you want me to do Mum and Dad. Sorry […]
I was abused as a child. I can’t remember so many things! I have so many empty spots in my memory that I can’t deal with! I began self harming in elementary school. I haven’t been clean for longer than two weeks since. I want to die so badly! I can’t deal with the pressure from my family, the disappointment in their eyes when they look at me, knowing how much more disappointed they’d be if they found out I’m not as straight as they think. I am everything they hate. I can’t do anything right in their eyes, yet they expect so much from […]