Saw this and laughed.
The last time I checked, I still existed. But I don't check very often.Es schmerzt, um ohne Liebe zu existieren. Ich habe nichts. Ich habe niemanden. Eines Tages werde ich sogar weniger haben. Wenn ich sterbe, wird der Schmerz anhalten. Wo waren Sie?
There’s a fine line between “Adversity Builds Character” and “Please Just Shoot Me Now”.
I try to strike a balance halfway, but sometimes it’s a stretch.
Good news, sort of: Bought two new strong aluminum canes with a pretty leafy green vine print on them. And, since the last time I posted in 2016, I got a brand new wheelchair for indoors. Currently it’s in the kitchen, right next to the fridge, so when I want a bottle of water or tea, all I have to do is sit there and enjoy.
It’s been maybe a year since I was in the habit of visiting and commenting here each day.
But here are some pictures I took today. Lots of greenery next to a peaceful river while I treated myself to some ice cream. (Highly recommended).
I wonder if any of the same people are still here, or are you all new?
Either way, hi.
All I accomplished today was eating a sub.
It was tasty.
Then I tried spending some time on the wifi but was so tired/depressed I couldn’t function and couldn’t concentrate on anything, so I drove home, got into bed, and slept for six hours.
It gets dark around 5:30 this time of year.
Even though I love being concealed by the darkness, I still have mixed thoughts about it.
That feeling of “I accomplished absolutely nothing today” arrives 4 hours sooner than it does in summer.
Humorous and discouraging all at once.
I almost said “Happy Friday” before realizing it’s not Friday yet.
My health/mobility has gotten bad enough that I can’t keep my home clean anymore by myself. Actually it’s been that way for awhile now, and I’ve taken a long time deciding what to do about it. Now that I’m officially categorized as disabled, I have a little bit to spend on hiring a housekeeper. I think once the place is really clean again, it will take away a lot of the anxiety and helplessness. So that’s a good thing. I’m looking forward to clearing out enough space so that I can actually use the wheelchair indoors (instead of hobbling around on the canes).
The downside is this:
Sometimes the thing that would keep me from suicide was being embarrassed that people would find me lying here in the middle of a mess.
After the mess is gone, I won’t have to be embarrassed about being “found”.
Poking my head in to say hi after a long absence.
The holiday season always makes my depression a lot worse, so you’ll be seeing more of me in the upcoming weeks.
I have more anxieties than I care to count right now.
Later today I will see if a meatball sub helps any of it feel temporarily better.
If it does, yay!
If not, at least I got a sub out of the deal.
It’s been awhile since I’ve checked in, so I’m stopping by today to say hi.
It’s been a singular solitary life lately; my friends are all immersed in their own lives and family issues and changing circumstances. You know how it is. Sometimes people forget you’re there.
Still have the same chronic health issues and mobility limitations. Still wearing the leg braces and using the canes, sometimes a wheelchair walker instead. Since I am single and live alone, I am the only person around to take care of myself.
Anyway, today I decided to get out and enjoy some scenery at one of the lakes not too far away. I brought some raspberries and watermelon and tea. I listened to the radio while watching the last of the sunlight on the lake.
It was calm and soothing, and I think I’ll do it again sometime.
Wednesday I did one of the things on my bucket list, which was to take a trip somewhere outside my comfort zone.
Just an angsty picture of me on Friday.
Saturday I was horribly sick.
Today I feel slightly better, though I still think I may need to stay in bed. Currently watching Monty Python And The Holy Grail. It’s hard to be suicidal while watching Monty Python.
Not doing so well.
Parked here for awhile, staring ahead at nothing, head has that post-migraine hollowness.
Not able to process much of anything. The depression itself is a powerful sedative. Like extreme gravity holding me down and burying me in steel. I feel almost nothing.