its funny, this was my fourth attempt, usually i plan out everything in advance, but this was so spontanious, i just felt an urge. i failed, sadly and my boyfriend was spam calling me, i picked up and i heard him sobbing, asking me why, telling me hes sorry and my heart broke. his voice and how he sobbed has been replaying in my mind past few days and i just feel awful about it now. i just feel selfish for causing all of this pain to him. im tired.
im not sure how im still here. in the past, i lived for someone else, now im just living only because im scared of pain. ive noticed myself stopping and thinking whenever in a social situation that it wouldnt make a difference if i was there or not, i will be grieved for a few weeks, mentioned here and there, but life will go on.
nothing feels real. i dont feel real. self harm didnt really do anything for me, so now im sitting here, not really sure where to go from here.
just 1 am thoughts again. its always in a cycle, i get extremely suicidal, im in this weird state where im just numb and i feel okay i guess and then i spiral. im back in my suicidal part of the cycle, except one important thing: my brother killed himself. thats what the police say anyways, im not sure, i dont know. he came to me alot to vent, i shut him out, our relationship wasnt always the best, so right now the only thought that has been repeating is that i killed my brother. i drove him to suicide. i dont know where to […]