Author

deadvibrations

My left when I was two. My sister and I were separated when I was eight. My dad kinapped me and brought me to paducah and he killed himself when I was 19. I have always enjoyed life but at times the world loses value to the point nothing can be redeemed for enjoyment. I at times used substance. I never drink. I take pain meds mostly cause I hurt from injury when I trained JuJitsu, judo, and MMA. I play guitar (mostly classical music I compose), violin, and piano. I draw and paint. I write poetry. I went to college to be a psycologist to learn why my mom left but I wrecked my car and didnt have a ride to and from. I didnt have parent's to support me. I eventually went back but went to electrical engineering. Im one semester from finishing but ive taken to many classes and cant get a loan or a pell grant. I cant save money cause I support three kids and my women all on my own. I want my kids to be proud of me and what I do but all I have is a mindless job that is shamefull to name. Nothing has ever worked out no matter how hard ive tried. Every person I have ever loved has left me or was taken from me. My first suicidal thought was around age 9. I use to practice hanging up a noose. I always seem to fall short of finding anyone to share my life with. I get told im attractive, ive had plenty of girlfriends but somehow I fuck it up by being depressed and looking for distractions in the wrong places. My latest fuck ups is I set up online profiles to talk to women and ask random questions to elicit responses. Sometimes it would be sexual but it was always a charade, however my soul mate took it differently cause it looked like something else. I never intended on cheating cause I don't care about having sex with strangers. I have studied psychology since I was 15 to better understand why my mom gave me up. Instead of quitting the profiles, I began to use fake pics and names. It was bad to furthering the eventual separation of her heart. I was on one of them after a big fight. I was about to hang myself and some women who happen to be a counsler was the recipient of the note. She convinced me to drive out of state and talk to her before I killed myself. It did indeed prolong my eventual suicide, but my soul mate fou d out where I was and thinks that I chested even though I didn't. Its physically impossible for me to have sex with someone I just met cause my body and mind dont function like that. Im always looking for a decent soul before I give myself. My women is that person but she doesnt believe me or understand. Ive quit the profiles, threw out my research but ive come to realize its only a matter of time before she leaves me and my heart has began to shrival up and and little meaning I could attribute to life erodes. I have kids and I dont want to leave them, but im constantly reminded of the failures Ive committed and im told I dont do anything for my family even though im the only one working, a job that is mindless and unrewarding. I want to finish my electrical engineering degree but I cant borrow anymore money for school, and I am the only person working I support my soul mate and three kids and all my money goes to them, I never get time for them. I come home and everyones sleeping so I stay up lonely with no one to talk to. Sometimes ill take a xanax or one tab to make it through, I never do it often enough to cause addiction. Everyday im reminded and told what did or didnt do, and when I do something good it's viewed as a cover up for something I did. I sometimes cant sleep cause I stay up and think about dying. Ill watch pirn to distract bit eventually it gets boring. Then I get accused of being on drugs, which I admit I have used amd they have kept me up, but my planning and desiring death also keeps me up. No one believes I will do it but everytime ive tried I used an over amout of drugs and I always blackout and wake up the next day. Sometimes in random places. Im trying to get outta hear without making a mess, and I want it to look accidental, and nonpainful. I tried to slice my wrist but all I had was a dull knife that day and it hurt bad. If I had a razor blade that day I wouldnt be writing this. The last time I almost made it to the other side I cried out for help and the one person who I thought would be there never showed and eventuallay she just called the cops like three hours after I told her I was dying. I remember falli g put of the chair I to the floor and seeing a women saying I was almost there. However I woke up, still alive, still alone, my cries again echoed back to me. That was the moment I realized it didnt matter. After a few months everyone would move on and I wpuld fade from their minds. My own mom forgot about me so it will be easy for everyone else to. I will kill myself one day. Im not afraid to die, I just keep hoping something amazing will happen to redeem my sadness. Now I spend time preparing a painless escape and leaving behind support for my family. So that maybe my death of a salesmen departure will at least show I always thought about them and it just sucks there was never anyone here to give me hope of a brighter tomorrow. I love everyone im the type you call at 3am and ill jump outta bed to come help you push your car ten miles and I do it cause it sucks to suffer and not have help.

Only a matter of when

by deadvibrations 1/7/2015

written by deadvibrations

Vibrations communicating the inner world of my soul

As it reaches out your ear runs towards the door.

Absorbed through the wood of the floor, muted by the rubber of your sole.

Dogs only see the food I have in my hand, but nevering caring when I fail.

Distractions are luxury I can never afford; when I can it’s always an empty shelf.

Let’s go for that walk, take us to remember the past, the place I broke the half filled glass.

Remind me of all those scars, down to every last shard, pick them up to reflect the moonless nights.

How long till I bleed out from a fragment I will […]

1/7/2015 0 comment