Author

Deathy058

Clean.

by Deathy058 12/15/2014

written by Deathy058

“Glenfidich, clean.”

“I’m going to have to see an ID. I mean, anyone who orders a Glenfidich probably has drank a time or two in their life, but you look kind of young.”

I flashed my license, she responded in a quick nod and vanished into some back area out of view. My vacant stare scanned the activity of the airport terminal. I had gotten three hours sleep, and in the midst of my loose focus, all of the crowds flowed by in bright blurs.

The cling of the glass behind me signaled the arrival of my best friend. I smiled at the server, nervously nursing the bitter […]

12/15/2014 0 comment

First breath after coma.

by Deathy058 12/15/2014

written by Deathy058

It’s a myriad of words stuck in my mind, none of them feeling appropriate for the situation at hand. I’ve memorized them over and over again, like some monologue that I’m trying to get perfect for when you’re in front of me.

Pacing in the pale dawn of the day, I find myself easily sucking down six cigarettes in the span of two hours. In between puffs and sips from a mug of coffee that gets colder, I try to imagine your reaction. Disappointment? Abandonment of one other soul in your life? God knows–you’ve had enough of that.

“. . .I try never to say goodbye, but […]

12/15/2014 2 comments

wondering…

by Deathy058 12/14/2014

written by Deathy058

Do you ever read a post on here and wonder if it’s from someone you know in your everyday life? The idea is weirdly comforting to me.

12/14/2014 14 comments

Wreckage on bed sheets.

by Deathy058 12/7/2014

written by Deathy058

NOTE: This is my personal story. Thoughts about antidepressants were from a slanted point of view of life at the time, and actually I’ve gained a little knowledge in how they actually help people. Trigger warning: this details pretty explicitly my first foray into self injury, as well as fragmented memories as they came about during this time of my life. I don’t appreciate glorifying suicide, and I intend to keep writing my experience on here as a hopeful path to something better than the urge to end it all. It’s disjointed, but it gets my point across how I want it to be.

In Vitro–2007

Ice […]

12/7/2014 0 comment

Preference to the drink.

by Deathy058 11/23/2014

written by Deathy058

“I just hope that one day – preferably when we’re both blind drunk – we can talk about it.”– J. D. Salinger

I didn’t want to post here again , but it was one of those days that sucker punch you for waking up. Takes the piss out of you for walking outside. Then, it finishes you with a swift kick to the birds with a spring sticking out of your driver seat in the car.

I try very hard to smile much of the time when dealing with people. I want them to see me as happy, I guess. It isn’t as though it matters. Today, […]

11/23/2014 8 comments

Vagabond.

by Deathy058 11/9/2014

written by Deathy058

I was intoxicated by the feeling in the air, faint wisps of pizza and beer filling my being.

It was a graduate program alright, but the campus itself reeked of undergrad shenanigans. Most people find it gaudy, but I love the community atmosphere of a uni campus. It’s a sexually incestuous band of merry vagabonds, topped off with general studies classes that force a modicum of higher thinking that is generally expressed in smoke filled dorm rooms. Well, at least a chemically induced impulse to think outside the box.

Logging more hours than I care to think about on the road to the university, my mood was […]

11/9/2014 0 comment

Release.

by Deathy058 11/5/2014

written by Deathy058

Sometimes, I think we just need a moment to vent our head caves to an audience that doesn’t know us. I really do not feel like dumping my problems on anyone I know, and thanks to the nifty confines of this site, you can choose to ignore it.

My story begins when college ended. The woman I had been with for almost two years decided to leave me, subsequently getting involved with a friend of mine. She has found happiness and success in her new life, so I hold little ill will toward her. In fact, I knew that the relationship was not healthy with my […]

11/5/2014 6 comments

Collapse.

by Deathy058 10/27/2014

written by Deathy058

I wanted to thank people at this site who have been so kind to me.

I have been diagnosed, at least in the past, with recurrent major depression. What makes it worse are the moments when I’m flying high, and I feel like I can accomplish all this stuff. Then I get anxious, and the anxiety transforms into a deep depression.

I have made it out of bed once today. No one can save me, and no one can even tell me what is wrong. I’m an adult, but I cannot seem to function like one. Actually, I can’t even function much like a human being anymore. […]

10/27/2014 4 comments

Setting in…

by Deathy058 10/22/2014

written by Deathy058

I am not certain what to type here.

A few years ago these tendencies, these thoughts, would feel foreign to me. To put it mildly, life was pretty good. I had a significant other who wanted to marry me, I was a straight A college student, and I had a broad pick of graduate programs to further my degree.

Now?

Enter the cliche story; she left me for a friend, college ended into a dead end midnight job, and graduate school did not work out. After diving in the deep end into jobs just to stay afloat for the past year, I am now left jobless(at 26), and I had […]

10/22/2014 12 comments