darko

this world is far too abrasive for me. absolutely everything hurts me and it’s just not worth fighting for.

i just don’t care at all.

i don’t see any fucking point

if i’m around for december 28th, it’ll be my exit day.

as much as i love the people in my life, as much as i try to love so many things about my life, as many times as i try to justify living and try to comfort myself…

i don’t see the point
i honestly just don’t see the point, and nothing feels good anymore.
i just want it to be over with.
i don’t see why i should ever leave my room again.

i’ve been cutting for years, but today was the first time i’ve had to literally mop up after myself

i feel sick and i’m scared that i lost so much blood when i wasn’t trying anything serious

i feel nauseous and light-headed and scared

i don’t know what to do

my arm’s wrapped in a towel and i’m not bleeding, but i’m still scared

does anyone else ever get so sad that you feel nauseous?

i hate who i am, how i am… fuck.
rough day.

i recently met someone terrifying.

someone with problems of his own, who has been nothing but sincerely kind to me since i met him.

when i feel hurt, it’s overwhelming. the strongest power anyone can hold over me is being capable of hurting my feelings.

i don’t remember what this “trust” thing is. i cannot begin to comprehend giving someone that power.

this person is patient and respectful and if i could trust anyone, it’d be him. i honestly don’t know how to trust someone when the idea of it cripples me with fear.

someone on SP once told me that love was just the comfort of understanding someone who also understands you…

i’m sick of nobody understanding

nobody understands at all

i’m young and stupid and niave and melodramatic,

i realize

but i need to be told so.

in my heart, i can’t see how i can be anything but alone.

i’m utterly devoted to someone who wants to forget me.

i have every reason to hate him, but my soft heart aches for him and no one else.

these thoughts aren’t like me, but tonight, it’s just him on my mind.

him i wanted to forget when i took a handful of painkillers,

awh, this drowsy numbness is better than missing him.

hopeless

i am shocked at this ability to type

i feel completely lifeless

how could i possibly move when i am so horribly heavy,

too heavy to budge

i wish i could turn into a wall so i could observe the world and never move or speak and nothing much would be expected of me.

i can keep secrets and be painted to look pretty, and i’ll hold your pictures and shelves,

if only you leave me be

i need company tonight

know that feeling when you take a deep breath and realize you hadn’t been breathing for a little while?

my chest gets tight and my entire body tenses, and i don’t realize it until i relax, but not tonight.

tonight i’ve got an incredible song on, looking out on my beautiful city, just spent some time with my best friend, and still can’t breathe deep enough to feel okay.

i’m just so deep down cold kind of sad and scared and it’s so impossible to shake tonight.

bad night
slit myself up enough to breathe again
laying in bed in my freezing cold room,
in my empty apartment

dont move
dont sleep
just smoke and listen to things that keep me calm

i don’t know why i’m posting this here,
i just feel really fucking alone
i push everyone away, then complain when they leave
i hate this

“this weather has me wanting love more tangible,
something i can hold,
it’s gettin’ cold”

6-8 weeks after the hospital contacts you, which is 2 weeks after your doctor submits a referral, a week after your appointment that you scheduled a month before that, you’ll be able to see a psychiatrist.

im waiting for the call to find out if it’s 6 or 8 weeks til my appointment, but i don’t see how i can make it that long.

every morning is a struggle, every day is torture, every night i think about how badly i don’t want to do it again.

haha, fuck, i sound so useless, i can hear myself thinking it and there’s a part of me laughing at how […]

when most people get drunk, they do stupid shit and try to sleep with each other

when i get drunk, i slit my wrists til the t3s knock me out

could use company til i pass out

not a good night

wish i wasn’t going to wake up

scared to die

fuck

last night I dreamed I jumped from my 19th story window while my roommates and exboyfriend were banging on my door.
I love standing on my windowsill imagining jumping, but I’d never do it because I’m afraid of changing my mind before I hit the ground.
I woke up crying because I want to live and I want to die and I want both so, so very badly.
I can’t be the only one feeling torn…

an old friend asked me why i was “still with it” when he saw my scars and i joked that i didn’t drink enough.

i’m sick of long sleeves.

i’m sick of scabs.

does anyone here know a good substitute?

i’ve ripped paper and thrown ice cubes, gone for walks and runs and paced and called friends, nothing i’ve tried calms me down like a box cutter.

i’m a terribly, terribly obsessive person, and i’ve got an image stuck in my head and i haven’t been able to shake it for weeks.

SOS

every time i close my eyes, i see my wrist gashed open.

i’m so sick of cutting and so unable […]

i don’t understand how i can simultaneously crave companionship and flee social interaction.

locked in my bedroom,
ignoring texts and calls from my roommates,
my friends,
my sister,
my mom.

i don’t have the strength to read or respond.
i don’t have the strength to pick up the call.
i barely have strength to pull the blankets over my head,
yet i wish i wasn’t hiding under covers alone.

when i reached out to my ex a few months ago, he told me “quit being so stupid, you’re not 15 anymore”.

i reached out to someone tonight.

someone i thought i could trust not to hurt me.

someone at work told me earlier today that we are forced to go through the same things again and again til we learn our lesson.

all i can think about is cutting deeper and deeper til i cut too deep. this image of huge gashes in my wrist is stuck in my head like a pop song.

sometimes i miss my ex so bad that it makes me not want to live, […]