dying2die

Dec 15 was the last time I hit my drug stash, the hard stuff. Before that it was Nov 7. Before that it was every week and before that, every day.

Drugs aren’t the problem; life is the problem. I’m reading the book “War and War” by Krasznahorkai who describes the main character, suffering delusions that his head is literally about to fall off, being forced into a sketchy but inevitable path due to everything behind him burning up in flames. No choice. It’s essentially fatalism but fatalism by elimination. When all other “destinies” burn up, you end up with the only “destiny” left […]

Has anyone written a will? Whether it’s a formal legal document or just a scrap of paper listing who gets what?

And 2nd question, what if you don’t have anyone to give your stuff to, or more to the point, don’t know anyone who deserves it?

My answer to the 1st question is no, and that’s largely because of question 2, got no one to give it to. So I haven’t bothered.

But at the same time, even though I’m not worth shit alive, I know I’m worth a stack dead. That is, if anyone was smart enough to connect the dots and realize all my holdings and […]

You have to pick one, that’s kinda the law of life unless you hit the lottery.

I pick alone. Don’t even have to think about it, this is where life has led me whether by choice or unconscious direction. It may not be the best path but it’s what I pick.

Let’s analyze the choices. Alone is, well, alone. Nuff said

Surrounded by people who don’t care is probably what most people experience and choose. Loveless relationships, casual friends who disappear like the weather, jobs with coworkers who don’t care about us any more than we care about them. Cities of anonymous little dots. This, I’d say is […]

I’ve had friends in the entertainment industry, actors, musicians, illustrators, etc who are intelligent and insightful but I can’t say this to them for obvious reasons. The entire profession is a fucking scam. It’s a fucking scam on the human race, designed to lull people into a false sense of security, or call it escapism, hope, fantasy, whatever, but what it comes down to is “extraordinary popular delusions and the madness of crowds.”

Flip on the radio and on 9/10 stations there’s some dumb song spouting such drivel as “DONT WORRY BE HAPPY” or “ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE” or “JUST SOAK UP THE SUN / […]

Another interesting book I started reading purely for its awesome title. I’ve been on a reading rampage lately, devouring any book about suicide, looking for any pearls of wisdom I might’ve missed in my lifelong obsession with the subject. So far nothing has changed my mind.

So on the heels of nonfiction memoirs by authors who later killed themselves, I’m now exploring fictional thoughts which are just as valid, since no one’s an expert until they’ve killed themselves and afaik Hades doesn’t have a publishing house in the material world.

I was expecting this book to be light hearted and comic, but aside from its cheeky title […]

Nobody will know what the fuck I’m talking about so don’t waste your time reading. This is just a marker for me and anyone else who happens to be familiar with recent Nobel prize winning philosophers, CNC machinery, the reason why time travel into the past is physically impossible, and the 19th century genius who was obsessed with trains (Boltzmann) who told us exactly why time travel into the past–or metaphorically speaking, the cure for depression–is impossible. I’m guessing that whittles the audience down to just me. In other words tl;dr

At the end of a famous book which no one has read all the way […]

Here’s a twist on the age old complaint of loneliness. Whether it makes a difference I don’t know, probably not.

Like the title says, my “problem” is that I just don’t like humans, and it’s not just that I haven’t met the right one. I’ve met some wonderful humans, even had great relationships that were better than any lovestory ever written. But the bottom line is I just don’t like humans they way they think, their polite hypocrisies without realizing it, or their outright malignity which we all keep under wraps.

Yeah I’m absolutely NOT excluding me from the set. If I met “me” I’d beat the […]

Ever notice how the news media “normally does not report on suicide cases unless there is a significant Public Issue” but the minute there’s a pretty young blonde girl who kills herself, especially if they can dig up photos of her cleavage, all the news outlets scramble to put her on the front page?

If you’re curious, just go to google news and type in suicide.

It’s so disgustingly hypocritical and shamelessly exploitive that it makes me want to jump off a flagpole. But I’m neither a girl nor blonde nor sporting cleavage so they’d just hose me off the pavement and carry on.

If I could beat 1 delusion out of the mental health profession, it’s the stupid idea that “every suicide is preventable”

That’s like saying “every murder is preventable” or “every war is preventable”. Face it, all of these types of death–suicide, murder, war–are part of what it means to be a human. So any fool claiming to reduce suicide to 0 is as silly as some teen beauty pageant where they say “my dream is world peace”. Sure, exterminate all humans and then you’ll have 0 suicide, 0 murder and 0 wars.

So if we accept that suicide is just something that hits a certain percentage of […]

What are some good books written by people who killed themselves?

I’m halfway through “It’s Kind of a Funny Story” by Ned Vizzini who killed himself in 2013. It’s about his suicide attempt and lockup in a mental ward when he was 15. Good book, breezily written but it touches on moments of deep psychology, and anyone who’s also been locked will find it immediately relatable.

Couple months ago I posted about “By the Time You Read This” by Cheslie Kryst who was Miss USA 2019, a lawyer, tv host, model, activist. Jumped off a building in 2022. The book isn’t specifically about her mental health but […]

Logan’s Run is about a future society where people live perfectly, with all the pleasures available, enough food & toys & fun for everyone until age 30 when they’re “renewed”. Although they believe renewal means transference to a newborn body, it’s actually just plain death. But aside from that, everyone is blissfully happy.

I first saw the movie when I was a kid, loved it, but I didn’t understand any of the social statements being made. Now that I’m past my “renewal” date, I totally get it.

All the world’s problems are caused by people over the age of 30. To be specific, all our politicians, lawmakers, […]

What I want to say is life is for idiots, but that’s not entirely true. There are plenty of smart people who enjoy life. What I mean to say is life is for people who have lousy memory. Or the ability to delude or deny memory, same thing. I don’t know how else anyone can bear the ever increasing burden.

The other day I had to drive 5 miles. I avoid driving because apparently it often ends with me smashing into a pole, a guardrail or some concrete pylon. Uncontrollable, and I mean fullass uncontrollable suicidal impulses come to a boil when I’m in control of […]

I asked google AI if there are any great philosophers who fully embrace optimism and it insisted yes. But it listed names who are absolutely NOT optimistic. The dumbass thing tried to tell me Nietszche was an optimist. I’m sure it’s just programmed to act all chipper on the subject of suicide due to all the lawsuits when it tells the truth.

At any rate, I’m looking to read any philosophical book (fiction preferred) that you think encapsulates existence. Bonus points if it isn’t bleak as hell. But if any philosophical work speaks to you, or helps you in any way, suggest it here.

My 2 go-tos […]

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