According to my shrink and my accounts of everyday life I get very angry ta people a lot of the time for no apparent reason. And when I do get angry with I punish the victim of my anger by acting rudely or being rather cruel to them. At first I just bought what she was saying simply because she’s a shrink but then I realized I needed to dig deeper and see if I bought it because I actually believed it. I began thinking over my life and all the wrong I had done and realized I do get angry with people a lot […]
I am extremely obstinate. My shrink pointed that out to me last week when I was in after recounting some events that had gone on between the previous time I had seen her and the last time. After thinking over what she had said I realized she was right. I am obstinate. I listen to peoples’ two cents but I never ever accept it unless of course they’re a professional psychologist. (That’s another problem I’ll go into later on) I’m not sure why I overlook everything that’s said to me; I guess I just can’t help it. For example, my friend was trying to convince […]
I figure I have a lot of problems so I’m just going to list one problem per post. They are all somewhat related to my first (and only) suicide attempt hence they belong here.
Problem #1: My Standards
I set too high a standard for others. Whenever I’m making new friends every box on the “Perfect Friend Questionnaire” has to be checked otherwise I have trouble being friends with them. This has lead to many lost friends throughout the years because I can’t acknowledge that I’m not the only human in the world. I wish this weren’t the case; however, when I meet someone new I always […]
I am terrified of my parents. I don’t know why. They’re good people, I just hate telling them anything. Whenever I get a grade back, I never tell them unless it’s really terrible or unless they haven’t seen a grade in the class in a long time. Like, sometimes I want to show them a grade, good or bad. But I get so much anxiety from just showing them; approaching them and saying ‘hey I got my —– test back’. I get so much anxiety that I wake up during sleep and my stomach gets that nervous feeling. I have no clue why. I just […]
I have a feeling tonight is the night. So if it is, goodnight and I wish you all the best for your futures. I appreciate all the support tou have all given me but I dont think it was enough. Robert Frost once wrote the lines “and miles to go before I sleep/ and miles to go before I sleep.” It seems I have finished travelling the miles. So now I may sleep.
– effy stonem
Last summer, I was at a camp and one day I was really upset. My friends kept knocking on my door but I didn’t answer because I didn’t want to speak with them. After about 10 minutes, the counselor came knocking and I opened the door. To sum things up about the 6 hours after that, they thought I was attempting to kill myself. It was 6 hours of interviews, crying and honestly, a lot of people thought I had died. I told them people had misinterpreted the things I wrote in my notebook, the things I said and this one event. They believed me. […]
I’d really like to become a pediatric shrink. Thoughts?
– effy stonem
My username, effystonem, is based on Effy Stonem, a character from the British television show Skins. It’s truly a great show and if you watch it you’ll enjoy, I’m sure. Effy is a main character in the second generation of Skins, although she does show up in a few episodes in the first generation. Effy is completely relatable; at least I think she is. She’s quiet, dark, an alcoholic and drug addict. And she’s only 16. She’s drop dead gorgeous on the show, although her personality tends to repel people. She’s just a girl who bottles up all her emotions in this tiny, frail body. […]
I have this terrible habit. I’ve never actually gotten the courage to take a knife and slash my skin so that is not it. Instead I bite at my fingers until they bleed. My fingers ache right now because I’m typing. They really hurt after I wash my hands or am in the shower because they prune up and are useless to use. Since the layers vary depending on where I bite, the flesh underneath my first layers is exposed. This exposure makes them more sensitive so I can barely touch anything. My parents think I have a common nail biting habit but I rarely […]
And this is what she heard:
I am not afraid of death.
Fuck everything.
A suicide letter poem.
My therapist was my best friend for months.
What is death like?
Let’s run in circles forever.
I hate everyone.
——————————-
3 knocks.
No response.
She ran, for I was dead.
-effy stonem
They asked me if I was suicidal. Rather, they asked me if I was intending on harming myself or anyone else. Of course, I could never build up the courage to lay a finger on someone, let alone stab them or fatally injure them. But, I wanted out. And I would have escaped had I not been born a coward. If I weren’t such a goddamn coward I would not be typing this hoping I’ll get some answers. My story isn’t very long, for I am not very old, and I’ll only tell if you want. It’s nothing special; in fact I wonder how it […]