They asked me if I was suicidal. Rather, they asked me if I was intending on harming myself or anyone else. Of course, I could never build up the courage to lay a finger on someone, let alone stab them or fatally injure them. But, I wanted out. And I would have escaped had I not been born a coward. If I weren’t such a goddamn coward I would not be typing this hoping I’ll get some answers. My story isn’t very long, for I am not very old, and I’ll only tell if you want. It’s nothing special; in fact I wonder how it even compares to the stories I read here. And I question my life and wonder, how the hell am I allowed to kill myself when there are people who suffer through worse? I’ve never spoken about the happenings of the day they asked me if I was planning on harming anyone. My answer to them was no. My answer is always no, for I was born a coward, and the barrier between thinking and doing stretches for miles.
– effy stonem
4 comments
Our hurts and pains cannot be compared and qualified as worse or better than others. We can always find differences. It sounds like you are hurting, enough to want to hurt yourself. I am sorry you are. I have also felt like escaping- this afternoon in fact. The fact I did not, does that make me a coward? No.
And neither are you. You are hurting human being. Take great care of that human being. Don’t hurt yourself- not even with words…. try. If you do (and I have to do this too) say mean things, remind yourself you are doing the best you can. You are smart, and strong. Have to be to have made it this far. That does not make it easy though. That is the hard, hard, hard part!
(((((effy stonem))))
our hurts can definitely be compared and quantified. its how triage in the hospital works. there are matters that are more serious and dire than others — just the reality. although, if the end result is you feeling suicidal than all roads lead to rome and it doesn’t really matter what brought you to that feeling. you feel it. end of story. you’ll be alright.
Yes of course the degrees are different and can be compared. But it is not fair to quantify depressive feelings and pains, esp. here.
Effy, if you were saying your pain doesn’t count because others’ experience is worse, that isn’t fair to you. Please listen to your own pains and please believe what you are feeling is important. Because it is and you are.
Thank you both for your support. I’m new to this forum and I think it’s extremely resourceful for anyone going through this sort of pain. What I meant in my last post was that I wonder how I ever came about feeling this way. Of course there have been things in the past that have affected the way I feel, negatively, but there hasn’t been something so terrible. Of course different people experience different things and react to them differently, but I really want some answers. The way I think is just so negative and I really have no clue why. It’s all very confusing and my main goal right now is an explanation. Does this make sense?
– effy stonem