I sit at the edge of the fountain whilst all the children play within. There is ample water that does not touch me or cool me. My reflection broken on a thousand surfaces. A thousand eyes. A thousand fears.
i dream of walking to it
my home
to count the crooked bricks
fall onto the too long grass
smell the juniper
go through the white door
with the lion knocker
walk through the rooms
the familiar spaces
and patterns on the floor
remember all the voices
all the sorrow
all the joy
through to the back yard
over old redwood planks
lawn surrounded by fruit trees
orange blossoms
to lay under the great mulberry
to gaze up into its branches
and broad green leaves
watch the light dance
and the sky dance
then peacefully
close my eyes
I hide with you all in this world
through glass and paint
we reach
through glass and paint
the barriers confine us
these walls around us
surround us
define us
when hands out
you recoil
in this way you are like me
you wear masks like me and speak in whispers
like me
so quiet
speaking so softly
until it fades away
no
stand
looking up
jaw clenched
hands trembling
defiance burning
scream
the glass
Shatter
staring at the wall
i drew a rainbow
i drew a horse
my arm bleeding
dripping onto the floor
just stand there
looking past the wall
The Dog wants to be a Man
The Man wants to be the Mayor
The Mayor wants to be a Celebrity
The Celebrity wants to be President
The President gives his Dog some Food
The Dog eats the Food
(From a dream. Sorry if the size of the post annoys. Just scroll on down.)
I was standing in a large grove of oak trees. It was sunny and warm. The wind was blowing faintly. The grass was bright green and lush. It seemed to be spring.
Through the trees a crowd of people emerged and walked toward where I was standing. The people were all smiling and laughing. They seemed to be in very good spirits.
Amongst them was a procession of young girls each wearing white dresses and adorned with a crown of wild flowers and each carrying a bouquet.
I was swept up into the crowd. […]
the bright sun
the sand shines
rough against my feet
i find shells in peices and make a frankenstein of shells
frankenstein who lives in my castle of wet sand
my plastic shovel is so red against the blue of the ocean
so red
i run at the waves who retreat from me
i am so brave
i run from the waves as they come back with a thrill
they crash as i fall and laugh
i beat them just in time
the sky is white and stings my eyes i raise my hand for shade
i see the blue and the floating puffy cotton
my fathers voice and it is time to go
the night comes
a dark quilt of fields and trees […]
Of this curse of fear and darkness
fear rules
fear binds
fear steals from me
everything
the shadows
turning the light into a lie
making my world black
and my thoughts ink
and twisting
pulling me
into darkness
Breath fogging
the air is so cold and crisp
my red jacket
laces are wet from the dew
the brown leaves dancing
sneakers kicking
splashing the puddles
the slightest scent of the so dark asphalt
my backpack thrown so high
just missing the branches
sky slate gray
rain falling
drips from my hair just before my eyes
she is watching
under her yellow umbrella
she smiles
a walk is a journey
the moment lives as long as I
the child I was
haunting me
I have major depressive disorder and social anxiety/borderline avoidant personality disorder.
I was going to go to group therapy. I never did.
I was seeing a counselor. I stopped going.
I take an anti-depressant. It helps a lot but not enough I guess. Less anxiety and less pain but that isnt enough.
I live a solitary life. I am like a hermit. I barely speak to people. I avoid women. Don’t make eye contact, speak as little as possible. If they seem to like me, become vaguely hostile…put up those old barriers. Whatever it takes. Because it hurts and they can hurt me more. But all I really want […]