I have major depressive disorder and social anxiety/borderline avoidant personality disorder.
I was going to go to group therapy. I never did.
I was seeing a counselor. I stopped going.
I take an anti-depressant. It helps a lot but not enough I guess. Less anxiety and less pain but that isnt enough.
I live a solitary life. I am like a hermit. I barely speak to people. I avoid women. Don’t make eye contact, speak as little as possible. If they seem to like me, become vaguely hostile…put up those old barriers. Whatever it takes. Because it hurts and they can hurt me more. But all I really want is to reach out and make a connection. Inside I am desperate to but I know I can’t. Not ever.
Maladaptive day dreaming. It’s a term, look it up.
Escape. I escape into my head. I live a thousand lives there. It isn’t enough. It is not real and never will be. I try to avoid that thought. It terrifies.
Narcotics are an escape. I feel good physically, and briefly feel better emotionally. But there is the other side, the down. Harder and harder to take the down.
Games. Television. Film. Books. Escape. Escape. Escape.
There is no escape. When the dream is over, when theÂ high comes down, when the game is done, when the credits roll, when the last page is turned…..I am still me. I can’t escape myself.
I used to think I hated the world. I know now it was myself I hated. Hate.
“You play the hand you’re delt.”Â But I never asked to play this game. This is a losing hand and no strategy will change that.
Why should I keep playing? Why?
I have family that love me. Father. Sisters. Nephews.
I don’t want to hurt them.
And there is God. Or is there? I really don’t know. I don’t really believe.
If there is a hell, I don’t want to go there.
And then there is They. It is what They would all expect. “He commited suicide? Well….that figures.” I don’t want to prove them right. That isn’t a reason to keep going on however. Not reason enough.
And you. You can not do anything for me. You can not fix me.Â You can not convince me. You can not save me.
We all know how this story is going to end.