I have major depressive disorder and social anxiety/borderline avoidant personality disorder.
I was going to go to group therapy. I never did.
I was seeing a counselor. I stopped going.
I take an anti-depressant. It helps a lot but not enough I guess. Less anxiety and less pain but that isnt enough.
I live a solitary life. I am like a hermit. I barely speak to people. I avoid women. Don’t make eye contact, speak as little as possible. If they seem to like me, become vaguely hostile…put up those old barriers. Whatever it takes. Because it hurts and they can hurt me more. But all I really want is to reach out and make a connection. Inside I am desperate to but I know I can’t. Not ever.
Maladaptive day dreaming. It’s a term, look it up.
Escape. I escape into my head. I live a thousand lives there. It isn’t enough. It is not real and never will be. I try to avoid that thought. It terrifies.
Drugs.
Narcotics are an escape. I feel good physically, and briefly feel better emotionally. But there is the other side, the down. Harder and harder to take the down.
Games. Television. Film. Books. Escape. Escape. Escape.
There is no escape. When the dream is over, when the high comes down, when the game is done, when the credits roll, when the last page is turned…..I am still me. I can’t escape myself.
I used to think I hated the world. I know now it was myself I hated. Hate.
“You play the hand you’re delt.” But I never asked to play this game. This is a losing hand and no strategy will change that.
Why should I keep playing? Why?
I have family that love me. Father. Sisters. Nephews.
I don’t want to hurt them.
And there is God. Or is there? I really don’t know. I don’t really believe.
If there is a hell, I don’t want to go there.
And then there is They. It is what They would all expect. “He commited suicide? Well….that figures.” I don’t want to prove them right. That isn’t a reason to keep going on however. Not reason enough.
And you. You can not do anything for me. You can not fix me. You can not convince me. You can not save me.
We all know how this story is going to end.
Always have.
15 comments
I’m sorry. I know exactly how you feel.
It doesn’t really matter how the story ends. It’s the same for everyone, we’re all just variations on a theme.
I just hope you get a little of what you’re looking for. A connection.
No one should ever have to go through life or death alone.
Never going to happen, not for me, but thank you for the sentiment.
This post is spot on like your talking about me… It’s scary.
You need to escape to stop the voices in your heart.
I still believe that it may disappear by being ignored.
This is scarily accurate.
I have to say, I am really sorry that anyone at all can relate to this. To those of you that do I hope you can find the, it, the…whatever it is, that can help you. I can not name it. I can not conceive of such a thing.
You say you are sorry that anyone can relate to your post. You also say you want a connection. Despite the tragedy of such a morbid connection, is that not something precious worth salvaging out of the pain?
I for one would rather die alone ..
give me my suicide pills and get the fuck outta my face
lol
@truthbtold you’re a liar. That’s ok. Everyone lies.
I’m not lying ..
you may be projecting a fear of solitude onto me
I really want to die alone
and it’s ok, you big needy baby ..
the majority of people can’t stand solitude 😉 🙂
@truthbtold – I don’t fear solitude at all. I am one of those people who needs ‘me’ time. In fact, tonight I bailed on a party because I just don’t feel like having a bunch of people in my face.
I’m calling you a liar because you say you want to die alone, but yet you are here. I don’t believe that anyone who is on this site really wants to be alone.
die alone as in spend my last hours alone .. I’ve been a loner most of my life, why would I want to spend my last moments with people around ?
the reason I post here: people have experiences or opinions I can relate to .. still, I spend the majority of a day (70% or more) by myself
I never said I want to spend ALL of my time by myself .. things aren’t black & white
how …painfully perfect. There’s no escaping, nowhere to run. And to be alone when it finally captures you. I can’t imagine any other ending for me.
well.. that pretty mcuh sums up where my head has been the past year. Sad. Accurate. Truth.