eternaldarkness

to watch? thought provoking?

idk, i like dark but well made stuff- like Dexter, Death Note, Penny Dreadful. True Crime. Death. Twist endings (yes i know, Dexter had a crap ending). Revenge shows, sci-fi, supernatural. But I guess it’s not about the genre. Some shows are just better done than others.

Most of the stuff I like is more obscure and less popular with the general public (but giving examples of popular ones ofc so you get an idea).

idk, i’m bored with all the same ol’ crap out there.

Q-“So are you brave, or do you find this quite easy?”
A- “Both. I think I am brave, and because I am brave, I find everything that I do quite easy.”

@1:07

Damn, I wish I had that girls’ confidence.

Being brave requires confidence, so I guess really what she is saying is if you have confidence in yourself, everything you do in life becomes easier, which I kind of agree with. When I HAD the confidence, I never thought of how difficult things were to accomplish to do. I just did it bc I “knew” I could do it and never worried about […]

There isn’t a “good” place I can go given my health issues and lack of money. The better safer more modern cities that have good healthcare are in SE Asia for expats, and I can’t live there bc of the heat and humidity.

Even 3rd world is not easy without a lot of money. Usually the cheaper the cost of living, the harder it is for a westerner to live in, bc it doesn’t have all the “basic” things we have grown accustomed to here. Like reliable and fast internet. Online banking. Online ordering/delivery. Safe drinking water. Even paved […]

Should I Expat to? One where the

1- cost of living is low,
2- weather is not hot and not humid
3- there’s enough American/British expats where the local country is ok to get by speaking English or where things are semi-tailored to westerners (like shops, health stuff etc).

I can’t do hot and humid climates, so Central America and SE Asia are out. Unless there are cities there that aren’t hot and humid. Just the climate excludes the best cheapest and modern places to expat to. But humidity is my nemesis so I just can’t.

I had originally thought Ecuador […]

How do you get out of a shitty situation when you do not have the HEALTH nor the MONEY to get out of it?

I absolutely need to move out of mom’s shitty filthy house. I am pissed I was conned into moving here and now that I’m here, I’m stuck.

It’s a fucking catch 22. Being in mom’s filthy place got me even sicker- I was already sick to begin with. Anyhow, now that I’m 100x sicker, I don’t have the health to leave. I want to expat to a 3rd world country where it’s cheaper. But […]

Normal people obviously can’t relate to us. Only those in our situations can. SP is a place where we can all relate to depression/suicide and can talk openly. Which is a nice thing and something sadly lacking in 99% of all online or IRL spaces. BUT we all have our own different issues. What afflicts me is not what afflicts others on here. Say for example chronic illness. Or the other myriad health problems I have. Or financial problems. Or age.

There’s a good chunk of people here who are in HS/College/Very young who aren’t […]

That’s my problem, always thinking but never acting. That’s what depression and fatigue does to ya. And then not acting leads to even worse depression… -_-

that I’m in this situation. I never wanted to move to x state to begin with. Never wanted to move in with mother bc she’s fucking crazy. But nooo, everyone wanted me to move in, and me stupidly wasn’t aware at how crappy and awful the conditions in the house were. And then I got convinced to move into the “studio” where it’ll be “renovated.” pffft. The place is still a dump. What got renovated was done a shit job by the contractor. And what wasn’t renovated was the other half and it’s all rotten old wood […]

What shows are there that are good to watch? Ones where they show really messed up people, like hoarders, my 600lb life, etc. Like what shows that are actually interesting to watch?

~2min

“As a psychologist, People come to you with mental illnesses and that’s almost never true. People come to you because their lives are so damn complicated they cannot stay on top of them in any way that doesn’t make it look like it’s just going to get more complicated. And so then that causes symptoms.”

Exactly. Mental “illness” is what we get labeled for having a perfectly NORMAL response to a SHIT LIFE. While there are people with true mental illness, most of us just have shit lives. Improve our conditions and our “illness” goes away. And if it […]

If I could time travel, both forwards and backwards, my life would be so different. I could go back and not do some things that lead me here, I could go forward and see what changes would actually have made a positive difference. Granted, everything is moot if EVERYONE could also time travel, but shit, if I could go back in time and not have made the decisions that lead me to this predicament…

My asshole neighbor paired his device to MY bluetooth speaker- it’s a cheap $10 speaker so there’s no way i know how to reset the wifi settings on the speaker itself. and don’t think there’s a way you can on a basic cheap wireless speaker. It’s got an on/off button and that’s it. It doesn’t even have a +/-I don’t want to get a new speaker as I like this one bc it’s really cute and small. And if i get a new wireless speaker, he’ll just hack into that one.

-How was he able to pair the wireless speaker to HIS […]

And when you fiiiinally muster up the courage/energy, then you go in all ADHD without all the i’s dotted and t’s crossed -_-

is a fruitless wish bc it obviously cannot be undone, but fuck it all, I wouldn’t have had to suffer and live such a hard SHIT LIFE for multiple fucking decades if I was never fucking born.

-I’m angry I was born into the situation I was born to. Born to shitty parents- yes both.
-Born into poverty bc idiot parents decided to leave a good upper middle income to come to the fucking United States, where literally we’ve been in poverty since DAY FUCKING ONE.
-Born to shitty parents who have ZERO value for a daughter’s life bc daughters mean nothing to them
-I’m […]

That’s my life rn. I’m on a sinking leaking boat, but all I have is a small cup to toss the water out. I don’t have any other tools, and so I am forced to empty it out one small cup at a time. It’s a losing fruitless endeavor, but there is nothing bigger than the cup.

I can’t jump onto another boat bc there’s none nearby, there is no one out there throwing me a rope. And no life vest with no skill to swim. I actually don’t know how to swim IRL. So yeah.

That’s in essence my life […]

Fucking fungus is EVIL. I’m literally fucking cursed with this shit.

Most of my current issue now is dealing with my fucking fungus. it literally takes up HOURS of my time EVERY SINGLE DAY dealing with this shit. Constant putting on creams, vinegar, oils, and showering and scrubbing and this and that, literally half my day is spent battling this shit. It doesn’t go away, it only spreads. And no, there isn’t any easy cream or lotion or pill that gets rid of it. Last line of attack is this really noxious pill that is ONLY about 60%. While […]

@thebends, i’m copying your comment here so I can reference it if it’s in one of my posts.

—comment from @thebends—
Hey eternal don’t worry I won’t be leaving, the dark thoughts are too much a part of me to ever go away. But since I’ve outrun those dark thoughts (for now) I won’t have much to complain about so I’ll just be posting here less. Regardless of suicide, I think this is one of the best sites on the internet for expressing our feelings without being judged, so I won’t go far.

About our situations, I notice they’re a lot alike so maybe your path […]

I can’t think clearly anymore. I mean I’ve been depressed for long awhile, but was never NOT able to think clearly before. My brain feels like mush. I don’t know if I’ve got brain damage (your brain atrophies when you have depression and also when your physical health declines, and I have both).

I can’t explain it. I mean I can think- like add 2+2 or whatever, but I can’t think CLEARLY. It’s more than not being able to concentrate. I can’t explain it.

That’s why I am apprehensive about taking that leap and expatting to a totally new country. […]

I need to stop moping around, depressed, not doing anything. Hell, I need to stop wallowing on here too. But I’m a fucking mess. HOW do I get my mind together to get stuff done? It’s not just not having the will. It’s not having the mental clarity to figure out a solution and go do it.

Like HOW do I fix my fungus without having to take toxic drugs that may not even work?
HOW do I expat to cheaper 3rd world country when I know no one, can’t speak the language, have health issues, have very specific […]