if you’ve ever looked on a color wheel, and if you look at it hard enough
it will strike you
that the most diverse and abundant colours there are to perceive
are neither the primary colors nor the secondary colors, but the differing tertiary shades
of browns and greys.
and if you were to take a random photograph of the world around you
you will often find
that unless you engineer the scene to bring out the vivid
or fiddle with the hues or turn the saturation up
all you will get are the browns and greys at different intensities
which form the highlights and […]
remember me– I said
to myself, yesterday.
remember today’s happiness
to carry yourself through
the sorrows of tomorrow.
by this, you may keep yourself
alive.
so I tried.
but we are creatures of the moment.
we live for seconds
so we may live through days;
and days are all
we shall remember
when we look back upon
years.
if I could Live for a million days
I’d count up all the ways I could have loved a girl
who’d passed away at day twenty-eight thousand and ten.
with ninety-one generations of grandchildren
I’d remember ninety-one times
of simpler times when
fifteen minutes would pass with the eternity of an hour
when memories were new
and I had nothing
to reflect about.
Apparently several studies have independently reached the conclusion that trans-fats are linked to depression. (http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/diet…127-1a6vy.html)
Quote:
Spanish researchers who followed 12,059 people over six years, analysing their diets, lifestyles and medical problems found those who ate the most trans fats, which are commonly found in pastries and fast food, had a 48 per cent higher risk of depression than those who did not eat trans fats.
I find this intriguing because I googled such a link after knowing that
1) trans-fats have been known to substitute for DHA in the body (thereby lowering DHA levels) and in the brain, when mice were fed experimental diets from […]
these white walls look bare
when seen from the bars of my hospital bed;
flowers, horses, waterfalls, meadows —
imprisoned in the black frames of stock photographs
these white walls already feel like home:
a prison for a brain, which itself imprisons the soul,
the smell of disinfecting alcohol our perfume.
I never got around to hating this place,
these white walls are my solace, you see
a canvas for endless ruminations on Eternity–
where Jekyll can sleep, and Hyde
can exhaust himself under medical supervision
until he fades away,
lying dormant for some other day.
people come and go, but I stay
until my […]
Eternity is the lurking beast
I try to keep under wraps.
I try not to ask it questions,
because when I ask, the response saps my soul
from me, and digs some ever-expanding hole
that tirelessly and unceasingly, swallows me whole–
and encases me in a prison
I cannot run, walk or even stand in–
I can only lie down, and feel the breath of Eternity
upon my chest–
the intoxicating air makes my head spin.
two breaths for every thirty chest compressions;
one.
.       breath.
.                       for fifteen–
every breath arduous, labouring against
the constrictions of the milking machine
that some time ago, was the […]
My psychologist says that use of escape mechanisms and mental painkillers makes me dependent on them and sensitive to pain, just the like people who use aspirins and conventional analgesics to deal with everyday pains become even more sensitive to the everyday pains of life. His recommendation is that “you just have to feel it sometimes”.
But mental painkillers are just so addictive. Thoughts of suicide are just sooo addictive, and comforting…well here is one of my painkillers, a cover of a popular Chinese song.
discharged from the hospital 36 hours ago. for some reason I don’t feel that bad, as though there should be a reason I should. I feel content and calm. and yet a part of me is feeling uncomfortable– dare I say, terrible? things are OK, though I feel slightly more negative compared to my time of discharge. I had a fun night with Yonji and Corinna, and my friends are looking out for me, yet I don’t know why I should feel this way. I’m not thinking about death– or perhaps in a very abstract way — but I am longing for something, and I […]
The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
When they read that Robert Frost picture book to us in kindergarten, I don’t think they were really telling us what his poem meant.
.
.
.
.
.
(Whose woods these are I think I know,
His house is in the village though.)
maybe–
but my girlfriend got me a souvenir. and herself edible vanilla body shimmer. her eyes are so beautiful when I stare into them–
i can’t kill myself when she does that–
but oh the dysphoria…the horrifying circles when I close my eyes; my favorite songs now haunting beasts– how can I deal with that?
they prescribed me wellbutrin– an antidepressant, and risperidone, an antipsychotic.
i’m not psychotic. I just have a neurochemistry problem. schizoaffective disorder, maybe– “disorganised thinking comorbid with mood disorder”. i was in the hospital for six days this october, on the behest of my school psychiatrist. oh it was just like “Girl, Interrupted” except I didn’t have the manipulative roommate. I was put on seroquel, then they added abilify. mild numbing and mild despair. oh on the 4th day Dr Bashir actually got to listen to me for 20 mins and I got taken off abilify and was put on wellbutrin. my school psych replaced the seroquel with […]
standing at the edge of the cliff
. Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â breathing
I feel myself growing old
slowly creeping rust
that winds within me;
I stand in a world reeling–
feeling– cold, within a mind
where once was bold. now you
see
. Â Â Â Â Â me.
go from dust to dust.
things that begin. must end
so things may begin again.
be not  jealous
. Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â […]