the feeling of non-elation

discharged from the hospital 36 hours ago. for some reason I don’t feel that bad, as though there should be a reason I should. I feel content and calm. and yet a part of me is feeling uncomfortable– dare I say, terrible? things are OK, though I feel slightly more negative compared to my time of discharge. I had a fun night with Yonji and Corinna, and my friends are looking out for me, yet I don’t know why I should feel this way. I’m not thinking about death– or perhaps in a very abstract way — but I am longing for something, and I don’t know how to achieve it. Happiness! I am not looking forward to anything– I can only see the first few days ahead of me, instinctively. If there was a painkiller for the brain, why…

I thought about psychological painkillers while walking back to the IRC this afternoon (on the 24th). so I guess while I am feeling calm and content there is some part of me that isn’t. and even if I settled school and graduated tomorrow and moved on with life to what I wanted to do, there’d be a part of me that would feel restless. why can’t I see past the night? in the morning, I know things will be more inspiring. I resolve to swim. (lab meeting at 3:30 pm! yay)

I wrote a fragment of an unfinished poem–

oh an anagram we shall build
let us think!
and pick thoughts from each other
then put them back together
.              oh young apprentice–
.               it is indeed a cold winter
.       and so the mind must surely wander
so fleeting, fleeting– are the thoughts
that seep out of the decaying rots
.               of teeming dendrites in the rain–

somehow I realise that thinking about death or morbid thoughts or general “escape” thoughts gives me a rush. the rush of escape. it’s so tempting. even though I am far from suicidal for the moment, I have urges to read this site because of the rush of thinking about these things and how other people think about them. but there was a time when I didnt need the rush, and the ordinary drugs of life — Cayla and Corinna’s drugs, so to speak, sufficed.

why do I get the rush? maybe I get a rush from the adrenaline– at the beginning, thinking about death, fight or flight, for when it’s when you think about losing your life, that you really cherish it and you’re supposed to appreciate it and it’s a solace in the midst of dreariness. or that’s how it’s supposed to work, until something goes wrong and the senses are overwhelmed and the chest constricts (like a mini heart attack, Amy said) and now instead of feeling “bleh” or “life isn’t worth living”, you’re terrified and dysphoric and you reallllly want to die. but then the safeguards are activated and the fight or flight response increases and more catecholamines get released — it’s like mentally cutting yourself.

so how do I proceed?

tomorrow will be a good day, I tell myself– tomorrow will be a good day.