everwaiting

It’s been a long time since I posted here. I thought I had recovered – gone into “remission”, as they say. Now… I’m not sure I ever will. The ghost inside my head, it never sleeps, just rearranges thoughts and leaves me numb for weeks. Months. Years.

I’ve been trying to sleep for a while now, but my Ghost has his quirks. I can never sleep when I’m depressed. It’s not mania, because I don’t want to do a thing… (I am the anti-productive; last year when I went mad, I did absolutely nothing. I sat on staircases and didn’t eat, didn’t sleep, didn’t talk, didn’t resume. Instead, […]

Broken hearts hurt but they make us strong.

For a long time, I thought I was getting better. I was taking my medication and remembering to breathe and taking it one day at a time – the sense of urgent noise in my skull went away, the paranoia, the suicidal depressions… gone. I had a boyfriend I loved like the day is long. He meant the world to me. I would have walked across hell for him. I met him the semester I crashed, and I got to know him as I was recovering, fell in love with him while I was getting better. He was my emotional keystone.  He symbolized everything I […]

I am so,  so ready to not-be.

To be done.

To cash in my chips and lose and be aloud to leave.

A river runs through this university town, a great roiling mess of a wide, wide river.  Students drown themselves in it every few semesters. I keep thinking of how easy it would be to go out Woolf-style, rocks in the pockets of my much-loved navy blue peacoat, weeds and water and diseased fish pulling at my hair. I really think I’m going to do it. I’m sitting here in my bedroom, imagining the walk to the river, knowing I won’t do it.

I just want to die. […]

to be able to hold your hand when you’re shaking from fatigue or frustration

to kiss the back of your neck when i see you at the university

to pick up the phone and call you whenever i want to hear your voice

to hold you until i absorb every bad thing that’s ever happened to you

to feel like you love me even half as much as i love you

…

But I know this won’t happen. We’ll go back to being perfect strangers in the company of others, and once every few days, when neither of us have a class too early the following morning, you’ll invite me over […]