I was reading some poems by Edna St. Vincent Millay And found one called “The Suicide”. It opens with the lines at the bottom of this post. I connected with the idea of cursing life and giving it up, but I was unnerved by the direction she took it. It ends with her in heaven, in eternal rest, but jealous of the other dead people and angels who get to serve her god. When she asks for a task, the God tells her no because her life was her task and she gave that up. Does the idea of life as an act of devotion […]
This conversation took place in my mind today:
Me- Wow, this Jell-o sure is tasty.
Ideation- You should definitely kill yourself right now. With that spoon.
Me- Literally??? I was talking about Jell-o??? Why are you like this???
Depression- No, no, he has a good point.
I just told my roommate that I’ve had a good evening, even though I spent an hour thinking about killing myself, and another hour angry and crying because I realized that my plan wasn’t going to work. I believe that lying is wrong, but I lie like that all the time lately. I believe that it’s right to apologize when I lie to people and try to be honest, but I know that I won’t fix this lie. And I know I’ll do it the next time she asks too. I feel like a liar every time someone asks me how I’m doing and I […]
I was really depressed a few months back. It made sense to want to kill myself then. Recently, however, I have felt a lot better. I even enjoy life, enjoy my relationships, and enjoy my work and studies. Life has flavor, life has fun, and yet, not every day, but often, the thoughts of suicide come back like a mosquito buzzing at the back of my head. It seems so attractive; thinking about ways to pull it off gives me a feeling I like. I forget about it or think it’s gone for good whenever something unusual, distracting is going on, but as soon as […]