I was reading some poems by Edna St. Vincent Millay And found one called “The Suicide”. It opens with the lines at the bottom of this post. I connected with the idea of cursing life and giving it up, but I was unnerved by the direction she took it. It ends with her in heaven, in eternal rest, but jealous of the other dead people and angels who get to serve her god. When she asks for a task, the God tells her no because her life was her task and she gave that up. Does the idea of life as an act of devotion to be completed for the sake of a deity make it easier to live? It’s at least a relief not to be told to feel guilty because suicide is damning or something. That idea scares me so much because I want suicide pretty often.
"Curse thee, Life, I will live with thee no more! Thou hast mocked me, starved me, beat my body sore! And all for a pledge that was not pledged by me"