I was reading some poems by Edna St. Vincent Millay And found one called “The Suicide”. It opens with the lines at the bottom of this post. I connected with the idea of cursing life and giving it up, but I was unnerved by the direction she took it. It ends with her in heaven, in eternal rest, but jealous of the other dead people and angels who get to serve her god. When she asks for a task, the God tells her no because her life was her task and she gave that up. Does the idea of life as an act of devotion to be completed for the sake of a deity make it easier to live? It’s at least a relief not to be told to feel guilty because suicide is damning or something. That idea scares me so much because I want suicide pretty often.
"Curse thee, Life, I will live with thee no more! Thou hast mocked me, starved me, beat my body sore! And all for a pledge that was not pledged by me"
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I’m not familiar with the poem or author, but it’s a creative spin. Maybe the poem is meant not as a literal commentary on suicide but as an allegory for deserting one’s responsibilities in general?
Just guessing. Although I believe in a superior being (“god”), I get lost with literal definitions of heaven, pearly gates and such, so I have to approach it as an allegory.
About your question, would it be easier to live knowing you were assigned a task by a deity? For me, absolutely not. More likely it would invoke a rebellious reaction from me. I already resent being subjected to existence without my consent, and now to find out that I’m just a tool put here by an overlord to do a job? That wouldn’t fly with me. Before engaging in any task, I need to know clearly if I’m working toward a goal I agree with. I need to respect my bosses before I submit to their authority. And at the very least, I need to have some sort of compensation (happiness) for all my hard labor. Anything short of that is slavery, is it not?
Forced labor IS slavery for sure! And I don’t understand the religions that demand certain behavior based simply on blind obedience to a distant deity or on some rewards system. But in the poem (and in my own god-experience to some extent) there’s an idea of _loving_ the God and _wanting_ to serve.
Your perspective is very relatable. It seems positive to me to need to respect BEFORE submitting. Anything else would just cause resentment.
I’ll definitely read the poem when I’m not so suicidally depressed and can think straight. I would love to discover a deity whom I want to respect and love. Life would fall into place and I wouldn’t feel so insignificant.
Assigning a personality/identity to god is a tricky thing though. If we imagine a benevolent, omniscient, omnipotent god, then the obvious loophole is: why create so much pain and suffering? So I’m forced to envision a somewhat weak, limited god, because that’s the only way I can accept the existence of so much wrong.
In either case, it’s hard to believe that any benevolent deity would punish
(accidentally hit post. Continued…)
benevolent deity would punish us for killing ourselves because we couldn’t take the pain. That’s like getting mad at a volunteer for getting overwhelmed and quitting. We’re all “volunteers” at life, and if we can’t handle it, I feel like “god” has given us the option of quitting, no questions asked. Isn’t that how a truly benevolent boss would approach things?
Sorry, accidentally posted a response as a response to myself instead of to you. 🙁
Yeah, I do believe in a loving God and it doesn’t really help or make much fall into place. Hence my question about service. Life still sucks and most of the people I know who believe in a God deny that, which is endlessly frustrating. There’s another poem that expresses how I feel about it pretty well (if you don’t mind ancient wisdom literature that some people call holy look it up?) , Psalm 22:
My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning? I cry out by day, but you do not answer; and by night, but I find no rest.
It goes on to talk about the God being good and powerful, but doesn’t claim that that washes away all the pain and suffering the speaker is going through. Jesus references this poem while he’s dying according to some sources, so even the God of Christianity (the people I’ve met most fond of denying pain and depression) understands this feeling according to their own sources. I like the poem and wish the people who claim to think it’s holy would like it too. 🙁