Fragmented

Im really thinking that someone or something is out there screwing around with us. For me, the way things have fallen into place seem too precise to be a coincidence. It’s one constructive drop after the next and I am helpless against them. I am losing my mind and don’t want to lose anymore. There wasn’t much to begin with and I just don’t think I can hold.

I’ve been contemplating about making an exit for some time now, but still unsure about it, I do the coin toss. Heads=yes Tails=no

Seriously… what are the chances of landing 7 tails in a row? The way everything has panned […]

I’ve been thinking about me lately about how strange things have been.

First was the attempt I made on myself, which has left me with a broken mind and a body that just can’t move like it used to. Usually the first to find out about these things would be immediate family and circle of friends, but not in my case.

The first to realise something had gone seriously wrong was the mother of a friend that lives on the opposite side of the world. I don’t even talk to her but she just knew something awful had happened to me and told her daughter (the friend […]

I’m at the cusp of yes and no.
The attachments I have have dwindled to but a few and they are outweighed by the cons of remaining.

I’ve been floating and dropping into one rut after the other and if by some miracle they do stop, I see nothing ahead but a cliff edge. I can only stand there or fall off it. So why bother? Why not just leave now? It would save so much trouble.

I suppose the fear of failing to die is what is stopping me. Having failed before I’m aware that it would just bury me in more crap than I already […]

On one end of the scale, you’re overcome by so much raw emotion and desperation that you jump at it in a heartbeat.
And on the other end, you’re feeling nothing. Completely devoid of any emotion other than “fck it”.

Having experienced the former, I now find myself sliding towards the latter. Events, some recent and others not so recent, have not been good. It’s clear the stigma I have is poisonous. I’ve had backs turned on me and knives stuck in mine among other shit. I’ll spare the details, I just can’t be bothered.

I’ve lost a lot of faith in humanity and with it I’m […]

Sleep used to be a decent distraction. There were bad dreams, but that’s all they were – just random bad dreams. I managed to cope with them but I gradually got less and less sleep until the point where I was getting little to none at all.

So a trip to the psychiatrist upped my dosage and prescribed me new meds to help. The drugs knock me out cold for a long time which solved the getting to sleep problem but another has arisen. The bad dreams are no longer random and have begun reflecting reality. I don’t usually recall dreams well but the last one […]

What is a bucket for? Holding water, and that’s how a bucket stays relevant. You can put water in, keep it there as long as you like, then tip it out and refill it whenever you want.

I’m a bucket – a bucket that has sprung a great big leak. Anything that goes in is quickly drained away, leaving an empty vessel with a gaping hole. In order to stay relevant I have to keep myself topped up with distractions, but that that leaves no room to relax. Relaxing is impossible. It’s immensely tiring and I’ve not had a good rest in so long. I can’t […]

A most generic greeting uttered without thought. A greeting I’m sure many of us struggle to answer, I know I do. I absolutely loathe it.

It’s been almost a month since I last posted. How am I? Pretty shit.

The trauma I suffered now triggers severe anxiety attacks and I may never fully recover from the injuries I sustained.
That on top of a despairing outlook for me means things are most likely to get even more shit.

I feel like I’ve lost 10 years of my life due to the stress. If only it were a hundred years lost, that way I’d definitely be dead by now […]

… That I’d be here posting this, but here I am.

Not so long ago, 10 weeks in fact, I was the happiest fun loving person full of jokes. Life was great. Then life turned on me. One traumatic incident turned my life to hell. I won’t say what the trauma was but I will tell of its magnitude. I went through a trauma so great, so overwhelming that I literally blacked out. The next thing I know, I wake up in a hospital bed with a broken body. I was told it was self inflicted having thrown myself from three storeys, which clearly sent shockwaves […]