StrayMutant101

It’s not that I think what I did was right. It’s not that I have so much pride. It’s not that I’m too ashamed to. It’s not even because I’m being rude for what I did. It’s just that… I know I’ll do it again.

So what’s the point of saying sorry, trying to change, and fail, just to say sorry again? I don’t like lying, so that’s why I don’t like to do it, but I don’t know any other way to say that I was wrong other than I’m sorry.

I don’t care if I’m 18 and just graduated from high school, throughout my life, it’s just I feel like I’ve been here for about 45 years. I keep wake up with that dread, millions of voices in my mind keep telling me everything I’ve ever heard, all at once. I shut down completely, saying over and over the same line.

No matter where I turn it’s just hatred. I keep seeing people laugh at someone jumping off buildings, posting videos of fights, and just cruel comments. This sucks. I just can’t really understand. I’ve quit so many social networks, changed email accounts constantly, delete messages, […]

When I post here, I expect some jerk to have a comment like “kill yourself” or “You think you have problems”

Let’s face it. I’m a big crybaby. I expect these things because I get them every day in literally everywhere else.

So Christmas is coming in a month it’a one of my least holidays because I’ve never had a good one. I” trying not to let stuff get to me, but I can’t help but feel anxious to think that something bad will happen. Each year that I’ve had with that holiday has gotten worse and worse, from Crying myself to sleep, to a death of a friend’s family member t hospitalizations. At this rate I’m either hoping for a redemption or the sweet embrace of death (not by suicide.)

Why can’t I be normal?

I lose things all the time, and it sometimes involves my dreams.

I lose documents, games to play, notes, drawings… i see everyone having a better life that me.

Am I some kind of demon? Am I the one who everyone blames? I’m holding everything inside because I know what happens next… This will never get better; I’m not in a fairytale… I can’t do this any more… I might as well get it over with…

I don’t even know you guys… Completely strangers and friends are telling me to just snuff out… Everyone seems to turn against me… No one around me understands how I feel, and when I explain I either get stuck in the hospital, or just tells me that I’m acting… I don’t tell anyone about how I feel… the only […]

I hate my body… there’s pores, spots, and stretch marks everywhere…

I have a knife, I’m in the bathroom, what should I do?

I see people hurting; I see the smiles meaning something else. I do want to help, but it feels like I only hurt people.

It’s exhausting honestly. I see children who look up to me, my friends, knowing that I will fail them some day, that I didn’t know all the answers.

As I grow up, they do too… I see them looking up at the stars one week with wonder, and another them trying to slit their wrists. I wish I wasn’t an only child… I wish I had a younger sister… I think I wouldn’t feel this way if I had one…

Sometimes I wonder if I’m too weird for me to live in this world. It seems when I mingle and go to shindigs, no one cares to say hello or even acknowledge that I exist. It hurts internally.

I feel internal struggle everyday I wake up. Every night it seems that My medication is begging to be all swallowed.

I can’t tell any adults, there’s no one to trust anymore… It just hurts that I’m not important enough.

Even the internet doesn’t acknowledge me… I feel as though the entire world is telling me to leave… I feel hopeless.

I do want to thank you for those of you […]