No idea why, but I spent all day yesterday listening to this. https://t.co/36o6JcLtM9
Interesting song.
I feel so fucking empty. ALL the time.
Man, fuck this.
I miss them so. All of them. The place, even. Cold at times, warm at times…Inviting. A place of growth and happiness. I wish, more than anything, that I could be back there. A student. Or an instructor – for youth or (preferably) adults.
But…Nope! Probably not to be. I’ll just sit around here, going to college, bored, sad, lonely and depressed…Disinterested in everything. I swear I’m so fucked up.
Hasn’t anyone else felt like this? Surely so.
Couldn’t find one, at any rate…??
I feel like I’ve posted something like this before…So sorry for a potential duplication. Or…Whatever.
Anyway! A lot of times people will do “weird” things caused by depression, or other “disorders,” that can cause oddball behavior. Half the time – ok, I don’t have actual stats, so I’m basically pulling shit out of my ass – but a lot of the time, the behavior is just dismissed as someone “looking for attention.” This NEVER MADE ANY SENSE TO ME. Even on here, so many posts are about it: I did [behavior] to express that things aren’t ok, and it was just […]
Has anyone heard from either PessimisticWallflower or Remembrance?
I doubt it, since I can’t get in touch, but…Worth a shot.
Happy Leap Day
Well, today is an oddball for sure. I think there’s even a leap second or something to go with the leap day, but I’m not 100% sure about that.
Anyway, speaking of leaping things, I wish I could leap. Over this fucking wall of depression. I’m sure many feel similar.
Fuck.
Four bottles of Kirkland Sleep Aid dissolved in water…Hopefully that’s enough.
Drink and die.
One thing I noticed recently is my life resembles a hailstone, i.e. severe ups and downs. There’s actually a way to represent this mathematically (and yes, I am going somewhere with this!)
Take any natural number N. If N is even, divide by 2 (to obtain N/2); if N is odd, multiply by 3 and add 1 (3N+1). Repeat this sequence.
I’ll work out a brief example. Let’s start with 3:
3 is odd, so we multiply by 3 and add 1 to get 10.
10 is even, so divide by 2, to get 5.
5 is odd, so multiply by 3 and […]
When overdosing on, say, an entire bottle of pills. Do you think dissolving the whole thing in water would be a good idea? Drink, take way more than you ought to, and…
Or just take a shit ton and fuck the water?
Turn around and go home. Home, indeed, but not the traditional home as most people think, i.e. your literal home. This thing is broken. Turn around and go home. To nonexistence. Indeed, nonexistence would be a beautiful state to be in, if, in fact, you could even consider it a state of being. How do you even define nonexistence? No feeling, at all (mentally). No sounds. No colors, though I already know what that’s like. Nothing to smell, or taste, or touch. In fact, would perceiving the perception that you don’t experience any of […]
A little while ago, someone posted an experience about support (or lack thereof) with depression. I think the poster tried to tell their mom, and the response was something like “think more positively, you don’t have it bad at all,” etc. It occurs to me that other people, myself included, won’t tell family or friends about depression for fear of similar shit. Bottom line is, most people do not understand depression. Even a lot of depressed people are WTFing.
Even a lot of therapists, I’m told, have no idea what the hell to do. When it comes down to it, […]
I’m sure that people have played the game of Life, you know, with the board and the dice and shit. The board with such spaces as “get married,” or “pay day.” They should add a space called “suicide,” and if you land there you should smile and nod and leave gracefully. Sorry, sir. You’ve lost the game. Sorry, I say, try again some other day! Sorry, there is no feasible way out – at least not for awhile. Sorry, you get to sit there and watch the rest of us play. Sorry, you are a loser.
You’ve probably […]
It was the straw that broke the camel’s back…I’ve had depression for years. 19 now, 18 last year…
And she was my best friend…And my girlfriend at the time…
And last year…She broke it off with no explanation. I didn’t cry, because I don’t cry, for some unfathomable reason.
We were friends for awhile, but I fucked that up. I was too…Clingy, I guess is the way to describe it. And I don’t even know why. I guess I just needed someone…I never told her about the depression; I thought it would drive her away.
But I drove her away anyway, because I never […]
So. Here is my plan. I’d prefer to not be inundated with “we can help!” because nobody can.
I cannot put this into effect until January, unfortunately. But I have done some research, and apparently Kirkland is a good sleeping pill. You can buy them in 96 tablets. I figured that probably isn’t enough, so what you could probably do is, buy a few. Maybe over time, so nobody gets suspicious. Assuming these are water-soluble, make a solution with water and these things. Get into a bathtub. Go under.
And never come up.
Thoughts? Ideas? Criticism? […]
Admittedly, I don’t post prolifically, but I read the posts here every day. A lot of times, the selfishness of parents comes up (i.e. “they’re selfish, I didn’t ask to be here!”), and I totally agree with such sentiments. In fact, I’m here to post a true story that, I think, highlights such selfishness in an obviously negative way. I should mention that I’m actually not the subject of this story; rather, it is comprised of bits and pieces of blog posts by somebody named Anne McCarthy, about her son James (presumably James McCarthy). It is deliberately told in a somewhat […]
If you ask me, stillborns and babies who die soon after birth are the luckiest motherfuckers. They just…die. No suffering for them. No anguish. Hell, their families probably aren’t (all) that sad over it; they didn’t even get to know their little tike.
I wish I had been a stillborn.
Turns out, after like four attempts…
It still hasn’t worked. I can never pass out. I have no idea what the hell.
Fuck the world.
I would tell it:
return 0;
Barring that, break out of the very long finite loop called life. It’s taking up too many resources, and we need to kill it.
I have tried partial suspension. I passed out exactly once; and I would have actually died, I think, had my rope not loosened, somehow.
Since then, I’ve tried it several more times, but never again have I ever been able to pass out, let alone actually die. (Obviously…)
What the hell am I doing wrong?
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